Hope is not a strategy

Written Monday night, only posted now. Busy day …

Things are tough right now. What used to be easy isn’t easy any more, my body is physically exhausted from all of these crazy runs that I am, of course, running quite hard even if not full out. I am not sure what the future holds, and I know it will be fine but I think there is some testing going on here. Now when the going gets tough is when you figure out what you’re really made of, and hey, a struggle story always makes a better story than something easy. Unless that something was the dotcom boom, and that makes a pretty good story too.

But as anyone who knows me well knows, I am stubborn as all get-out. Part of what’s been holding me back, actually, is a lack of commitment (why, no idea). But at least that’s easy to change: all I must do is decide I’m going to be more focused, productive, proactive, etc. and I will be. Hey tomorrow is a new month after all!

It’s a rough time for the world at large, too. There are riots in Egypt; I am terribly concerned about this because I have people there who I consider friends (not close friends, but friends nonetheless), who took me literally into their lives and private clubs, and showed me the most amazing hospitality … and I have no idea what has become of them. The Cairo museum was attacked a few days back, and looters vandalized some of the artifacts, ripping heads off mummies and the like. I was there, less than two years ago in Tahrir Square with Hany. Tahrir means something like liberation, which is a bit ironic I suppose. But in any event I am worried: and I say this with full irony but it’s scary to live in a country where you are one of the “haves” because if anything ever goes awry law and order-wise you have one heck of a big target on your back.

Nelson Mandela is ill. Looks like he’s recovering but it does remind you that he’s human and that South Africa won’t be the same place after he goes. At a Clifton braai last week I realized how afraid I am for the possible future this country could face. People need hope, and not just blind hope but belief that the hope will translate into something. For that, there needs to be real change that people can see, and tap into. Something like the American dream, but obviously not the American dream. And then of course you wonder if things turn south what would you do, as an expat? Stay, or run home? That’s another question you can’t very well answer until the situation arises. Of course all this Egypt unrest makes me think of Iran and the failed Green Revolution. Such a tragedy, but such different turn of events …. General anarchy in Egypt and government-sponsored rape and murder in Iran (and Burma too for that matter). We live in interesting times, but then again, I suppose humanity always has. We make times interesting for ourselves I guess.

Another, related topic, was when I was talking to a potential Hub member we somehow got on the subject of how yes, it’s true that whether you believe you can or you believe you can’t, you’re right (Henry Ford, I think). But so much of that is fostered by our environment and if you are raised to believe you can, you are more likely to believe it and to achieve than if you are raised believing that you can’t. And THAT, is possibly the single biggest problem with the South African education system. This is the origin of our old enemies, fear and doubt. But how do you change something so big? This is one I don’t want to accept as though I have chosen it, but what to do?

The back half of the week was mainly spent crafting a proposal for government and sitting with various employees in various capacities. Sometimes I love managing. Sometimes I have no patience for it. But hey, much as I wish it might be different, I’m human after all.

Friday afternoon was a bit hectic; we had a meeting with government downtown and the lifts in that building are kind of scary. The doors shut really quickly, on you. So my co-worker and I were looking like we’re in a hurry and some guy holds the door for us, so my co-worker walks in, then as I walk in and the doors almost close on me he hits the number for the floor we’re going to and the lift slams the doors shut in this poor guy’s face as he’s saying “No, no, wait!” It all happened so fast that by the time I realized what was happening we were already on our way! So we did the only thing you can do in those circumstances which is to burst out laughing, and laugh so hard we cried. Maybe you had to be there. The meeting itself was great, very constructive and with lots of great feedback.

Unfortunately it ran so long that I nearly missed the start of the first Advanced class at CCF! That was great fun, we practiced techniques for muscle-ups which is something we hadn’t done in months (hence the need for an advanced class….). Then on to a workout where after about 15 reps my form just deteriorated horrendously on the cleans. My body is exhausted from this Trail Series, and probably I’m mentally tired too. Will be nice to be back to “just” CrossFit again and going all out for sub-10 minutes!

After class I took a video of the one-eyed opera singing car guard. This guy is amazing!! Of course trying to get the video off blue-screened my computer until I tried on a co-worker’s Mac on Monday. Props to Justin Stanford for suggesting that; I assumed it was probably a problem with the SD card. Maybe so, but still something the Mac could handle that the PC could not…

Saturday morning I woke up to see the posted workout was Fight Gone Bad. Now there is very little in this world that I fear like I fear that workout. And doing it the day before a race? Not a good idea. So instead of being very smart and just going back to bed, I went and did it anyway. My one coach told me to go at 70% which I was able to maintain for the first round. After that it was more like 85% … still I scored 275 which is only 12 points less than my PR, and considering that I was specifically TRYING not to go too hard, I am now quite sure that I can achieve my goal of scoring over 300 the next time that workout comes up. Except my wall balls really suck.

After the workout Roland tortured my calves for about 10 or 12 minutes. That was the physical equivalent of what Casper did to me on Tuesday. Wow, “this isn’t going to be pleasant” was really quite the understatement of the day BUT they felt so much better afterward. At this point I had hung out so long that I was invited to participate in the Olympic lifting session (the coaches were being trained themselves by an Olympic lifting coach). Having three coaches watching you at once can be a bit intense but it was actually great to practice my snatch that much with really low weight. And, I learned why you actually do need weightlifting shoes … standing on a plank suddenly I could do overhead squats! Tried not to go too crazy, though, again knowing there was a race the next day.

This was a double birthday weekend; one friend had a picnic in Deer Park Saturday afternoon (her real birthday was the week before but who’s counting). I couldn’t eat the homemade cupcakes before the race but I agreed to eat them immediately after (hey if you’re gonna eat sugar that’s the time to do it). Speaking of sugar, sugar is a hell of a drug: I was talking to this guy at the picnic and he hadn’t had anything to drink but ate 5 cupcakes and damned if he wasn’t acting a little bit drunk! Me, I’ll stick to the sugar in the wine thank you very much …. But fun time though!

I am also happy to report that that is the last weekend for a while where I will let the Trail Series interfere with my social life. Yay for going to bed at 8pm on a Saturday night every once in a while though … Sunday dawned nice and early and I headed out to Paul Cluver wine farm in Grabouw for race #4. This one was 9.1kms, which does not play to my strengths. Also my legs felt like lead … I blame the box jumps. I was told at the time I came in fourth when the official results were out I was seventh (there must have been an error somewhere ….) but actually it doesn’t matter because at this point it is statistically impossible for me not to win the short course series. “No stranger to the top of the order” apparently, but I am tickled pink that the organizer of the series knows me by name now. Apparently all it takes is one season of performing near the top for everyone to recognize you! Fantastically gorgeous drive back to Cape Town, as always on a weekend with the windows down and the music up! That is one of my favourite things about the Trail Series; the driving to and from the races.

The rest of the day was just great: making guacamole, having super-masseuse Meggie come by my place and fix up my tired (and scraped up) limbs … I had taken a bit of a crash on the course, not too dissimilar from my hash crash at the October 2009 daylight moon epic but extremely painful after! That aside, I went to a birthday party at the Bakoven pirate cove which was very cool because I met a bunch of really interesting new people. Cape Town may be a small town but it never ceases to amaze me how you can go to pretty much any party and meet some amazing people you’ve never met before. And then have Facebook take credit for it with its strange new algorithm that I haven’t quite figured out yet …

Yes, there is an easter egg in this blog post.

After a long and tough management team meeting today flew by; I think the best thing we did was get together with the FoodTents team to discuss some of the thinking that has gone into the business model and the value we want to offer. That context down we can now start to dig deep, and dig in, and make sure everyone is aligned. If you can’t see where you’re going, God help you trying to get there. Nothing worse than a team marching to the beat of different drummers.

I was vacillating back and forth about whether to go to CrossFit or yoga in the evening. I eventually chose yoga and good thing I did because a relatively light set just about killed me. My body, despite lots of sleep (8+ hours for the last 3 nights) is just exhausted. Said it once and will say it again: I love the Trail Series but my body does not. Time to introduce some longer conditioning into my workout routine I suppose, so that come the Winter Trail Series I can do better with less effort and also put less stress on my body.

So, these learnings in mind, on to February!

• “If this weight doesn’t feel heavy … don’t worry. It will.” – Janie
• “Let this be a lesson to all of us. Don’t buy cheap cupcake holders.” – Dan
• “I usually charge for that, but for you, I’ll do it for free.” – Sam
• “Do you know what rugby is?” – Dan
• “You’re still a bit of a chick driver. You don’t just forget to use the clutch!” – Justin
• “People don’t learn lessons until they are ready.” – Jon (paraphrasing)
• “That’s an understatement.” – Adriaan
• “As bad as it is, we need to understand what it is.” – Ellie

Growing pains

Some conversations leave you energized, and some leave you tired and exhausted. Part of this is the energy of the person at the time as well as how much you put in, and part is the nature of the subject matter. Tuesday morning I had a meeting at the lovely Vineyard Hotel with Casper, who has his fingers in a lot of pies but is, I think, having made enough money already, primarily driven by growing people. So among other things he is a professional coach, and when I learned this I asked to meet with him because I wanted to pick his brain. Turns out what I actually wanted was a kick in the ass.

Of course with this sort of thing you both know what’s going to happen ahead of time without naming the game: he was going to give me a coaching session so that in addition to whatever else I got out of it, I would get some understanding of what it looks like when it’s done well. Well, let me tell you … it’s a bit painful! There are a couple different tacks but the one he chose to take had me squirming like … well, I don’t know. It’s hard because part of what happens is someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, so either you don’t answer it, or maybe lie a little bit (or a lot). But when you get a series of these all in a row there’s no time to think, no time to hide, no time to do anything other than give anything other than the whole truth.

This was the mental (or emotional maybe?) equivalent of being pushed to the limit physically, and it was the first time in a long time, or maybe ever, that I can recall feeling this way. So, in a word, it was pretty mind-blowing! As I said apparently what I was really after was a kick in the ass, because I was afraid to get started because I didn’t know exactly what to do, was afraid I would fail, and would lose face, and would waste time when there is no time to waste. So this was half of it, the other half being that if I didn’t start, I would definitely fail. “So stuffed if you do, stuffed if you don’t: you may as well take the path where you have a fighting chance.”

The conversation had a couple of other unexpected insights. He first of all validated my approach of putting a number to something unmeasurable by rating my focus every day. He also came out with the statement that self-confidence is a defense mechanism, which I had never thought of but of course it’s incredibly true! It’s always the people who come out with the most strident comments like “I don’t care what anyone else thinks” who really care the most. And the people who must be right, especially when it means that someone else must be wrong … same thing.

It’s those old demons fear and doubt. How many times have you not done something because you’re afraid of failure, or rejection, or, or, or …? When really, you might justify it to yourself in any number of ways (the risk is too high if I fail, surely I will fail; I always have before, I don’t really want it THAT badly, I might hurt someone else, etc., etc.) but essentially it’s just cowardice. Man, that ego is a dangerous thing! Can you imagine the power of human potential if we could relegate fear and doubt to where they belong (i.e. keeping us from doing really stupid shit), and actually commit ourselves wholly to whatever it is that we’re doing? We are encountering some issues at Heart Capital just now because certain people (to remain nameless, and they know who they are, and we have talked about this) haven’t fully let go of the NGO way of thinking and of doing things. But, we’ll get there. Let the games begin.

I did name the game a bit at the end of the session by asking him why he had taken the time to meet with me that day. Of course he didn’t let me off easily and made me answer first, and of course I knew the answer but decided to take another tack. What I think the root of the situation is, is that I remind him a lot of a younger version of himself. Adin asked me a few months back why mentors need mentees. Case closed. Of course he also suspects we have the same Enneagram personality type (the kind that sees boulders and don’t get into traffic accidents, apparently!).

Yeah but anyway, good stuff, and the first time I can recall that someone else pushed me off a cliff rather than my pushing myself (or deciding? Can you even push yourself off a cliff?). This insight alone scares me a bit because there won’t always be someone around to push me.

I had another great moment at work later that day when two FoodTenters were discussing what to do about a particular situation and I then came out with this little gem: “What we should do is …. Wait a second, never mind what I think. What do YOU think we should do?” 15 minutes later, they had added some flavour and context I wouldn’t have been able to, and had reached essentially the same conclusion. Without my help. And that is so much better for so many reasons. This is a weakness I need to fight: always jumping in with “the answer.” It’s not scalable, and it goes against everything I believe when it comes to co-creation and empowerment and employee growth. But it’s good to have that awareness in the front of my brain so I can consciously fight it.

I wrapped up the work day by persuading my boss to vent at me. Apparently he promised himself he wouldn’t because “it wouldn’t serve any purpose.” This was absurd. The man needed to vent, I needed to understand the complete context, and if he didn’t vent at me he would probably have gone home and vented to his wife. Not to mention that I gave him some advice that he wound up using as to what to do next.

So, that crisis averted, I picked up a friend from the gym and headed to the Silicon Cape networking event at La Med in Camps Bay. This was way more fun than the last one because there was less corporate shilling, and now I knew a bunch of people. For a networking event not much networking went on but we all sort of hung out with our friends, which was kind of hilarious in a way. But hey, it was an open bar. I was a bit surprised to check all the people from Cape CrossFit who showed up at this event, and of course the guys from Uconomy who work downstairs. Small town.

I was drinking, yes, but I did notice one thing: I am reasonably sure that not a single woman got up on stage the entire night, for any reason. That says a lot about a lot of things, actually, culturally and in the geek/nerd/whatever sub-culture. I have been talking about speaking at one of the upcoming 27dinner events, and now I really want to. I used to be a software nerd, the fact that I worked for a dotcom is probably the single most interesting thing about me to most of this crew, and what I’m doing now is something I think more people should know about. For any number of reasons: general awareness, some of them may want to volunteer as consultants, and some may even eventually make a career change.

Wednesday was mostly spent managing, planning, etc., and Thursday thinking through how to craft a coherent narrative around the new FoodTents model. The pressure is on.

The other major event of these few days was race #3 in the Summer Trail Series, in which I came in second. I can’t say this any better than what I emailed to Casper: “I discovered last night something that I knew but hadn’t admitted to myself which is that although I’m highly competitive, I am also always playing it safe. At least athletically. If I know I’m better, I go for the win, if I know I’m not, I go for second place (or whatever). So I’m not actually pushing myself as hard as I could. Last night in a trail race I chose not to race for first but rather to get a sure second, and I’m now pretty angry with myself because I might have succeeded or I might have failed, but now I’ll never know. Although I wonder if the damage from trying and failing would be worse, and maybe that is the biggest fear of all. Interesting.”

Of course what I didn’t tell the ex-pro rugby player was that the situation was exacerbated because I’d had more to drink the night before than I should have done the night before a race (which is to say, practically nothing). I got shit for this from my friend (and, I guess, from tomorrow, CrossFit coach!) who wondered whether I was just giving myself an excuse not to do as well as I could. It might be that, or it might be something simpler, but ultimately it doesn’t matter. So I was (and am!) down on myself for my performance because I didn’t actually go all out.

Having said that, there are some things to be proud of. Number 1, this was my first time running sub-6-minute kilometres on a trail race. Number 2, I was unofficially 6 minutes faster than the first Silvermine race, and officially nearly 8 minutes faster. Number 3, it wasn’t at all easy to get second place. I ran behind this other woman the entire race because I knew I could outsprint her at the end. But I really, really, REALLY wanted to give up towards the end because I was so tired, especially when we had to run up a hill at the beginning of the last 400m or so. But I knew if I did I would be so angry at myself that I wouldn’t let it happen, and I must say when I really started sprinting with about 100m left she tried to keep with me, she tried really hard, and I was actually afraid for a minute that she had more in the tank and would out-sprint me! But then she backed down, which actually was probably a mental fail on her part. I’m not sure if it’s harder to chase or be chased in a situation like this, either way regardless of everything we definitely pushed each other, and from that perspective it was awesome. We actually chatted a bit after the race, and she’s a super sweet girl.

The other benefit of coming in second is that I got another Salomon voucher (this time for R200), whereas the winner got a Cape Storm voucher. Ha, I’m more than halfway on the way to a pair of new shoes!

What I have discovered through this, in addition to what I wrote above, is that I’m not as mentally strong as I could be, and these races are hardening me up there probably more than in any sort of physical way. It really is a case of mind over matter! So it was ironic that I happened to read this blog post today. Here’s an excerpt:
“When you learn to SEE the challenge instead of the calamity or the hardship, and love it. That's when you're ready. That's when you are able and willing to shift into what Josh Everett calls his "other gear." It's that state where the pain is there, you feel it, but it doesn't matter. You're above it. You're now refusing to be broken, and this is when you realize that you can run a little faster or hit a triple instead of a single. Just decide to do it, it's that simple.”

Maybe someday I’ll get to the point where I enjoy it but actually all I can think of right now is how I’m not actually enjoying these races so much as I did in the Winter Trail Series because I’m so obsessed with competing. There is some intense pressure! One of my athletic goals was to come in the top 5 overall in the short course final rankings, with my dream to be in the top 3. After three races I am in a [somewhat] comfortable position of first. Except that that’s not a comfortable place to be, at all. Now the pressure is on, and, well, shit, I guess that’s what the article was just saying. Rather than feeling the pressure and wanting to crawl under a rock and take it easy I need to toughen the hell up and completely enjoy the experience. Growing pains here, too!

The other thing that’s been obsessing me since I thought of it yesterday is Owen Middleton, the guy who runs the Trail Series. He has a bit of a scathing, masochistic sense of humor (cackling evilly when talking about hills). I mean from what I can tell he’s a nice guy but anyway he has great stage presence and I find him just hilarious. So I was joking around with my friend last night after running the race and said that I would love it if I could get him to follow me around all day and provide a running commentary on my life, because it would be like living in a sitcom.

- “So you’re human after all.” – Casper (takes one to know one)
- “If we can provide a value that’s greater than the price we’re charging, then great, and if we can’t then we should go out of business. That’s cutthroat capitalism for ya.” – Ellie
- “Yeah, it kind of is a secret, huh?” – Wayne
- “Impossible to make me feel guilty about French fries!” – Phumzile
- “You can’t put beans on the braai, can you?” – Jaco (this was a rhetorical question)
- “To be honest, and this is probably not a good perspective to live life by, BUT …” – Jonathan
- “One of the things South Africans love to do is pretend to the rest of the world that we’re nice people.” – Keith
- “He does seem …. Energetic.” – Keith

Sometimes I surprise even myself

I have too many balls in the air, I think. OK, that’s not surprising to anyone I suppose.

Last week Thursday we were building a show house in Philippi and I was expecting to be there for like an hour to observe, take photos, etc. So, being as that I don’t like wearing sunscreen because it’s really not healthy for the skin, I put on the moisturizer + SPF 15 that I somehow delude myself is better for my skin. Anyway, what else is not healthy? Sunburn. I wound up in the sun for 4 hours before concluding that I’d seen all there was to see for the day and heading back to the office to make sure everyone was being productive.

We have a lot going on at the moment between trying to get little things donated, to doing a member drive for the Hub, to reviewing all of our systems, to getting better at planning and tracking the effectiveness of staff, and, from my side, trying to make sure that we all, together, create our plans for what we should be doing. I feel for some of the people in the business; they have just mountains of really hard work. I guess we all do, actually.

Thursday afternoon was spent with potential investors in one of our projects, and then I picked up my harvest share of peaches and figs. This was shocking for two reasons: firstly, this was the most amazing fig I’d ever had in my life. Apparently the figs we get in North America aren’t ripe or something, or are a completely different variety altogether. But wow. I keep “discovering” a new favourite fruit … first it was guavas, then fresh persimmons, and now maybe figs. But peaches are also one of my favorites but for some reason in this country they are picked so early that they never get soft and ripe: by the time they start to get soft they get mouldy! This is a shame because there is nothing, and I mean nothing, like a fresh, juicy, and RIPE peach. Weird. Well, you take the bad with the good I guess.

Thursday night I met up with a friend for dinner. We went down to Olympia Café in Kalk Bay where I had one of the best meals I’ve had in recent months. And fully paleo except for some cheese on the courgette (zucchini) bake. Oh, and the wine. Still, a very chill and lovely evening and a new favourite restaurant I think! Then again considering how often I eat out, that’s not necessarily very hard.

I am not sure what happened to Friday. We had a meeting in the morning with the community running one of our GrowZones, then I went back to the office and I can’t actually recall what happened next. It was just that interesting, apparently. Fridays in Cape Town, what can I say? Oh but the picture above is an example of what I’m always trying to describe to people in America about the random sort of thing you will encounter driving in Cape Town. Usually they are in the form of shopping carts filled with randomly-sized objects sticking out in all directions, but on this occasion I had my camera handy so there you go.

So I can thank the Summer Trail Series for ruining my social life. I think the entire city of Cape Town was going to this Balkan Beat Box concert but it started at 9pm and I needed to get to sleep, so I passed. Lame, I know. Social life can resume once the races are over.

Saturday morning’s beach workout was short but super fun! We started with some Hoover ball, then we did a team workout where one group did partner carries, sprints, and animal runs while the other did burpees and kettlebell swings, then we swapped. I was actually happy that the workout wasn’t too terribly hectic because of the race the next day (yes, my life is seriously starting to revolve around these races!).

That afternoon I took some tourists from Sweden and my co-worker out wine tasting. Neethlingsof in Stellenbosch, and Glen Carlou and Fairview in Paarl. Glen Carlou had come highly recommended and it did not disappoint, even down to the Stellenbosch student pouring our wine. He was studying mechatronics (mechanical engineering and electrical engineering – hectic!) and came out with the best comment of the weekend: “Best traffic law in the world!” when I mentioned being able to turn right on red (you can’t do that in South Africa, well obviously it’s left here but same idea). Apparently you can’t in Sweden, either. Strange. Fairview was also fun because the guy pouring our wine there was pretty well drunk, so he gave us a bunch of wine that wasn’t on the list, including their uber-premium wine. Yup, for R250 (~$35) a bottle it better be that good!

So Sunday morning I actually saw the dawn for the first time in months (I was up at 5:30am), and drove the hour out to Oak Valley wine farm in Grabouw. In the Winter Trail Series my favourite race was at Paul Cluver wine farm (where next Sunday’s race is), so I was pretty excited for this. 7.25km course, undulating hills, and mostly mountain biking paths through the forest, alongside fields, etc. It was super fun, and not for the first time I thought that if only I wasn’t so competitive I should run with my camera and take pictures!

But speaking of competition, I was running along and I thought I was in third or fourth place. There was one girl ahead of me who I passed when she got very tired on the final series of hills. She had been setting pace the entire course so I was sad to pass her but she was going too slow and the guys I was running with were about my pace so it was fine. But then again I was thinking I went out too fast because I got very tired with about 1.5kms to go, and I could feel myself slowing down. With about 1000m remaining (or so I estimated, I couldn’t see the finish) I realized that there was a girl about 100m behind me who had come out of nowhere! So I was quite worried because she was clearly fresher than I was, and unfortunately I had no choice at this point but to kick it up a notch. I mean, I always go around bragging that no one can outsprint me and even though I was quite exhausted I would never live that one down, even in my own mind, to let someone beat me at the end like that. I beat her by 4 seconds, and as it turns out, it was for the win in the race!

This isn’t as impressive as it sounds, all the real competition is in the long courses which I will never be good at. Still, my first win at any distance longer than 400m, so pretty cool I thought! Two things funny about this. Firstly, after I crossed the finish line I pretty much immediately went off to the side and collapsed, a la after a tough CrossFit workout. One of the medics was so concerned he came to check me out and seemed a little suspicious when I said this was normal. After a bit I got up, jogged to the car to get my camera, and came back. He then said he wanted to listen to my breath so I let him: “Not a sound.” “I *told you* that was normal!” The other thing was that I really had no idea I had won until they were giving prizes. I was sitting with my friend talking probably about the evils of gluten, and then they read off third place and it wasn’t me (and the time was slower than my unofficial time I had on my watch), then second (who again wasn’t me), so that’s when I realized I had actually won. I was shocked. Still am, actually!

The drive back was fantastic: gorgeous day, driving around with the windows down, and in a pretty good mood obviously, although tired! I quickly showered, ate lunch, and headed to Muizenberg to discuss the business plan for the competition we are entering. We’re still at the conceptual stage, but we made really good progress I thought. Later on that evening I went out to watch a screening of Zeitgeist at the National Library of South Africa. This was cool, even more so to check the bowels of this building. There were all sorts of doors that said danger CO2 and I wondered at first why this was before I realized what an idiot I am. Whee …

Today was a big day: two meetings with provincial government officials. One went well, one not so much. In both cases we have quite a lot of work to do. I’m finding myself getting quite a bit stressed out and this is exactly what I wanted to avoid. Time to make sure I actually do work smarter and not harder or else nothing good will happen. So I went to yoga, and that has helped a little bit. I’ll get a handle, but something still just feels “off.” Much as I’m loving it (and the competition …) this Trail Series is really taking it out of me. This is a lot of races in a short period of time, and I can feel how it affects me: both at the gym where I am really tired even though I’m taking rest days (not enough apparently …), and at work.

Well, I’ll figure it out. Maybe first I need to stop worrying about it so much and it will come to me.

- “It’s always a good thing when government calls you.” – Max
- “If we want change, we need to take it back.” – Sjon
- “Not that I’m calling you a horse, Minister.” – (not saying who said this)
- “Tick bite fever isn’t contagious.” – Anton

Co-creation and return of the Trail Series

Well, I’m back into the swing of things. I was having a hard time; being sick and as a result not training and not eating well really took it out of me, I think. Apparently a mind is not very sound if the body is not!

Monday was still a bit of a disjointed day, in which I completely spaced on something I was supposed to do for one of our interns, and then lent out my car to a co-worker to go to the bank without realizing that I would need it back sooner than she might get back in order to drive a few of us to a meeting with the head of affordable housing of one of the biggest construction companies in the country. Oops. Well, we made it there on time but that is the sort of sloppy thinking that I just don’t do. Except that I did.

At least I finished one key thing I had to do that day, had it reviewed internally, and emailed it out. Working on my own deliverables during work hours is a big challenge for me, actually. I had another key document that needed to get done ASAP that I wound up doing a third of on my own, a third with a co-worker over lunch at Superette, and a third in the evening after work on Tuesday.

Tuesday I was much more focused but I am still feeling a bit of a sense of lack of … well, I was going to say control, but control isn’t quite the right word because I am not aiming for control. Lack of team alignment is a better way of putting it. I can, however, see how to make it right but it’s going to take a bit of time and a lot of energy. So I will characterize my concern as necessary and positive, because if you can’t see the problems then there is no way on earth you are going to fix them (unless it’s by accident).

On this subject, co-creation is a term that I had never heard of until I got to South Africa, and if anything can encapsulate what I learned at work in 2010 it is the importance of co-creation. I was familiar with the concept, of course, but the importance of this concept is second to none for me at the moment. The idea here is that by involving an entire team in decision-making, then first of all the plan and decision is likely to be as good as possible (assuming that quiet people speak up, dominant people don’t dominate, etc.), and secondly, the team will feel greater ownership of the decision or plan and will therefore be that much more tightly aligned both in terms of understanding why, and the details of the plan, and also just psychological attachment and ownership of the idea. The challenge with co-creation, of course, is that it’s expensive and co-ordinating schedules can be challenging. Having said that, it can be so much more efficient than a bunch of separate one-on-one conversations. So this is one area I want to get a lot better at, fast.

Wednesday was actually quite a good day: I rated myself 9 out of 10 for focus on this day, possibly because it was spent almost entirely in meetings. The first was planning out next steps for our affordable housing business, and the second was a looooong meeting talking through the cost and revenue projections for FoodTents, and then arguing about how to fund it.

I am feeling a bit more with it at the gym, although I’m still a bit out of shape and annoyed that I put on weight while in America. Bad habits, and it’s amazing what only maybe 85% paleo compliance over three weeks can undo! Well at least I know what I need to do, which is a heck of a lot better than the alternative. Monday’s workout was the baseline for the challenge we’re doing, and for the most part I finished pretty fast but got a little tired towards the later rounds of the clean & jerks. My form got very sloppy and I got quite tired by the fifth round of pushups or so. Room for improvement when we re-do this one in 8 weeks! Tuesday’s workout was also pretty cool: we practiced the snatch, which I hadn’t done in something like 2 months, literally. Then we did something fun: 60 seconds of max burpees, 30 seconds rest, 5 rounds. I, of course, was aiming for 100 (or 20 burpees every minute). I was on track until the third round, which I finished up at 79. Wound up with 97, but I learned that my form is not very good because Wayne was waaaaay ahead of me early on, like seriously, and in the first round you’re not tired yet so that’s all technique.

Wednesday was the first in the long-awaited (by me) Summer Trail Series. Unfortunately I missed the start of my race by about 2 minutes! The race was at Silvermine and the traffic on the M3 was just insane, and then I had to park in overflow parking and run probably 1km to the start. So that was not actually an ideal warmup, and THEN I ran a terrible race tactically because I was behind and went out too hard and then had to take a pretty significant rest period at about 3kms in going up a hill, and then I got boxed in on the single-track section. But I passed three competitors towards the end and was actually particularly proud of myself because the last 3/4km or so was slightly uphill but I decided there was no way in heck I would do anything crazy like stop and walk even though I was tired. To make a long story short I finished fourth, and my theory is that I could have been in the top three if pretty much everything that could have gone wrong had not in fact done so! Well, I’m not going to go too crazy over it; fourth is not terrible. After the race I ran into a friend who ran the long course who I had no idea was racing (!!), and then talked to the Inov-8 guy. I am still not convinced that I could run a whole race in those shoes without getting shinsplints or some sort of injury but we’ll see how I feel after sprinting in them sometime soon.

I was so mad that I didn’t bring my camera because the sky driving out of there that night was like something out of a movie, or a fairy tale. The moon looked gigantic like something from a SciFi movie, the sky was pink, the mountains by Stellenbosch and Strand were relatively clear and a gorgeous color of purple, and of course I do love the view over Muizenberg and the Cape Flats (if you can only ignore what actually is there: mile after mile of slums, actually, but the landscape is beautiful at least).


The other thing that I did this week was combine dinner and a birthday party on Monday night. A friend of mine who is actually one of the nicest, most responsible people I know in Cape Town (his employer is very, VERY lucky!) had a birthday so I stopped by for a bit before dinner. As it happened, I was having dinner with my lovely co-worker Mandy at Carlyles (chicken livers, shared salad & gluten-free pizza!), which was right down the road. I had such a great time at dinner; trying not too much to talk about work but she’s a very special person and I really enjoy the times we spend together.

After dinner I texted to see if the informal drinks were still on (silly me for even having to ask …) so I went back and I’m glad I did for a couple reasons. First of all, I wasn’t there for very long at all before dinner so it was good to be able to spend “proper” birthday with my friend. Secondly, someone I had been meaning to get together with for a while came by and that was good because we re-connected and are now talking more. Thirdly, at some point in the evening the really good wine came out. 1975 Cabernet Sauvignon; need I say more?

On a final note, I’m now talking with a couple of friends about getting more involved in their startups in some capacity. I am not really sure what triggered this drive to keep half a foot in high-tech (in one case it’s because I think the concept behind the company is incredibly powerful, and actually change the world revolutionary if it can be adopted – check out TrustFabric), but I suppose it doesn’t actually matter.

This post feels a bit scattered. I guess that’s a reflection of my brain today!

- “My traditional beer is cold.” – Adin
- “I love you, and everything you stand for.” – Craig
- “There are idiots everywhere, but not everyone is an idiot.” – Ellie
- “Australia is like South Africa because … there are a lot of South Africans there.” – overheard at a party
- “If your mind is unhealthy your body will be.” – Elodie
- “‎The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man's foot long enough to enable him to put the other somewhat higher." – Thomas Huxley (pulled from the fish bowl)
- “We don’t have time to beat around the bush. Being blunt is good.” – Ellie
- “Self-actualization can wait.” – Ellie
- “You better get used to it.” – Jaco (it being the heat, well, I suppose I did move to Africa after all)

Feelings – do they make you soft?

Have you heard of Hendri Coetzee? Well, I never had until I got an email with this subject line and first line about a week ago. Apparently he is an adventurer and was recently killed by a crocodile (what a way to go, really …) and maybe there is a warning in that, who knows, but he did have some interesting things to say in his last blog post that mirror a lot of what I have been pondering in recent weeks and months about decision-making, risk, fear, and doubt. Actually, fear and doubt are the devils we must fight because they stop us from accomplishing a lot of what we could accomplish if we only tried. On the other hand, they are useful safety valves because without fear and doubt we would undoubtedly (no pun intended …) do a bunch more stupid things than we actually do? So where is the right balance: I suppose that is what we are all trying to figure out.

Anyway here is the excerpt (sic; there are some typos!):

"It is hard to know the difference between irrational fear and instinct, but fortunate is he who can . Often there is no clear right or wrong option, only the safest one. And if safe was all I wanted, I would have stayed home in Jinja. Too often when trying something no one has ever done, there are only 3 likely outcome: Success, quitting, or serious injury and beyond. The difference in the three, are often forces outside of your control. But this is the nature of the beast: Risk.

Anyone who is good at what they do, be it marketing, sports or hairdressing will tell you they trust their instincts. There are rational explanations for people making the right choices based on information they could not have known beforehand but only because we live in a rational world. If you chose this option and believe that all that all there is to know is already known, then that is your boring truth, keep me out of it. Whatever the real reason, I think we all agree that people who can go successfully beyond facts are the ones who excel in any, and all fields."

Here’s my take, and I am not sure but that I’ll change my mind soon because I am feeling a bit out of sorts and not quite centered at the moment, although I feel much better today than I did Friday. But what I think is that to feel is important: we are human after all and compassion is critical, and it is important to be able to relate to everyone you encounter on their level. Spirituality is important but I suppose it’s like language: if you start talking in a language someone doesn’t understand you’re going to lose them.

But anyhow to feel is important, to experience is important not only in relating to others but in experiencing life fully and living in the moment. I don’t do this enough, as was brought home quite clearly yesterday when I was quizzed on the matter! But to be engulfed by emotions and made irrational by emotions: this is the ego taking over and is actually quite dangerous. Some of the biggest mistakes I have ever made in my life have been as a result of over-reaction from emotion, and I can see this quite clearly, hindsight being 20-20.

So my viewpoint is that feelings don’t make you soft. Emotions don’t make you soft either, but they do make you stupid if you let them control you rather than the reverse. And, as always, do not forget the loss-aversion bias. We are so afraid of change that we let that control us too, and as I said above fear and doubt are two of the most dangerous emotions around. Another one, of course, is over-confidence which is why it is critically important to have our critics and people who bring us down to earth (or reality checks of one sort or another – this is one reason that I love CrossFit in general and our coaches in particular; I’m still working on getting this in my professional life but watch this space over the next few months).

In the meantime I continue with my own self-discipline. Wednesday was not a good day for me. I rated myself a 1/10 in terms of focus; I was all over the map. Thursday was better, it was more of a 7. Friday was something like a 4: I was tired from not enough sleep the night before (I was at a braai and by the time the meat went on it was nearly 10pm and by the time I went to bed it was after midnight!). I was also jetlagged and couldn’t get out of bed in the mornings, and so was going to the gym in the evenings … all sorts of things to throw my rhythm off. But in retrospect I am glad I slept in that day because on Friday afternoon I met a CrossFit celeb (Chad Mackay, #12 in last year’s CrossFit games, in town from Australia for a couple of days). So that was super cool.

Thursday was a pretty fun day work-wise too. We went out with some potential investors (they were from Sweden and were loving the heat!) to check sites for property development, and then met with an experienced property developer in the afternoon. During this visit I discovered something that I had no idea existed: indoor braai rooms! How I got through all of 2010 without learning of the existence of these escapes me.

I also love that one of our experts that we consult with, who I’m going to meet for coffee in a week and a half to talk coaching, actually knew what I meant when I referenced Aristotle’s view of the best form of government. Now, you don’t see that every day but then again I suppose you don’t let the rest of the crew go check the inside of a potential factory site while standing around talking about what makes a good leader, and why capitalism and democracy are the best of a bad set of solutions, either. Love this guy, although this may have been the period during the day when I got the sunburn (I think I spent a grand total of 45 minutes in the sun…).

Wow the internet is slow. I had actually forgotten and somehow it didn’t seem *that* much faster when I went back to America in November but maybe it’s that I spent more time there recently and now I am noticing again. You can’t just stream a YouTube video live! Oh well you take the good with the bad I suppose. I’m also re-adapting to driving down very narrow streets and passageways. I think you get quite spoiled in America because everything is so big!

Friday night we had a very awesome braai in Newlands with our new friends from Sweden. I was sort of the Northern hemisphere representative so we talked about everything from the weather, to my co-worker’s experiences growing up and attending South African schools, to the wine farms and tourism, and even a little bit of business. But everyone involved had a good time and although I had one more glass of wine than I’d intended I still got to bed at quite a reasonable hour and got in a lot of sleep before the Saturday workout (which was a BEAST – prowler pushes and lateral burpees, where instead of jumping up you jump sideways about 2 feet and up about 1 foot). I never knew a burpee to be so painful. As an example: when I did the 100 burpees a week ago I did them in 6:40, which happens to be 400 seconds or one burpee every 4 seconds. In this workout, and granted I started with a bunch of prowler pushes, I did about 40 burpees in 4 minutes (240 seconds), or one burpee every 6 seconds. So by my math that’s 50% harder, folks!

I picked up my race number for the Summer Trail Series (which starts Wednesday with a 6.5km race – I am so excited!!), and then my co-worker, and finally one of our visitors who was leaving that day and we went to the Biscuit Mill for wine and food (in that order), and in my case stocking up on my grassfed meat. Then we quickly went by Camps Bay so he could dip his toes in the very cold Atlantic before catching his flight.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and into the evening catching up and planning with my boss. This helped me get back into the zone a little bit; I guess it’s a bit to be expected that after essentially a 4-week break I would be a bit out of sorts. But it was a very productive and chill Saturday (actually it was very hot, so taking a quick dip in the very cold pool before we got started was absolutely key!). To be fair it wasn’t that hot, but it felt hot enough! I was so tired that I ignored all other temptations and went to bed at something like 10pm. I had wanted to go to bed early Friday night but obviously that didn’t happen early enough for my liking but my body needed the rest. I felt much better today.

And today was also quite cool! First thing I got up and went to yoga, and this class was divided essentially into three parts: a more active part to get the heart rate going, a part that was less active to work on our organs (this was the hardest part for me, holding my hands extended over my head for 5 minutes was very tough because my shoulders were extremely sore from I think Friday’s workout), then finally a lengthy meditation. Now this was the coolest part for me: at the very end something very strange started to happen, not like when my central nervous system went into shock but I just started to feel an intense connection and energy, and definitely a shifting mental state. Hard to describe; I mean how do you describe the taste of an apple except in comparison to other things, and I don’t really have anything to compare this to. But I also noticed my heart rate and breathing speeding up, so I was almost stepping outside myself at the same time as I was definitely very much in the moment. Unfortunately this was pretty well near the end of the session (I guess, I may have lost track of time). Apparently the entire meditation was about 12 minutes. To me, it felt like 5. In any event, very cool: Ilana said I must have entered a meditative state, and that was definitely my first time ever having done that. I can see now how it could be addictive!

So, flush with the excitement of that I went down to Muizenberg to connect with a friend (and meet a new person over Skype) to talk about potential ideas for a business plan competition around providing a solution for some of the water problems; we are thinking of concentrating on the Eastern Cape. We accomplished quite a bit for an initial discussion and have our work cut out for us over the next few weeks!

A quick hike up the mountain followed our work and wow, what a view! I think I could probably stay forever up there. There is something about Muizenberg and the view to the east, now I wouldn’t want to live there because it gets dark early as the sun sets over the mountain but the town itself is lovely and the mountains out by Stellenbosch and Strand are some of my favorites. I still need to get back to Tygerberg at dawn, once dawn is at a little more reasonable of a time!

The final real event of the weekend was my first Kirstenbosch concert. Jack Parow was playing and really, I was just curious to see Jack Parow at Kirstenbosch. I described this on Facebook as something like seeing Snoop at Carnegie Hall … not exactly a good example of Jack Parow at his peak, and a very short concert, but something to witness just as a cultural oddity. Well, plus the homebrew that the yeast I smuggled into the country in November helped produce was very tasty.

So a great first few days back in the Mother City. If it’s possible, I’m looking forward to the next two weeks even more: got quite a lot of fun things planned on the social calendar, and ramping things up at work. But first, I need some sleep!

- “What do wild dogs, black rhinos, leopards, and leaders have in common? They are all endangered.” – Casper
- “You don’t have to be foolhardy and believe that what is isn’t.” – Adin
- “Are you saying I should get my wine?” “Um ….. yessssss…..” – Ellie, Peter
- “No, no, no … well, ok, yes.” – Max
- “Destiny.” – Peter
- “Stop chalking up! You’re not Chris!” – Roland

New year, new brand

I am out of shape. It’s not just bloating from the travel, but I’m definitely not myself. I guess three weeks of being sick, not really working out, and actually drinking too much beer will do that to you. As I said above, time for some proper discipline but the good thing is that living a clean lifestyle is what I actually want to do. And yes you can go out to a bar and not drink but really that’s not so much fun; the lifestyle where I can go home and relax in the evening because I’m not frantically trying to see people, or go to a braai and just eat or maybe have one glass of wine but not five, will suit me much better.

Also I don’t have much of a choice: the Summer Trail Series starts in one week and so I’m going to have my work cut out for me! But yeah this morning’s workout was not exactly a show off session, I was weak on the handstand pushups *and* on the pullups and my callouses are nearly gone and so my hands hurt and I got made fun of for whining. With good reason, and now I have a blister.

On to my first day of work! My heart pump was my passport, which I passed around the room: “So this is what a work permit looks like!” was the most common refrain. This is all also very exciting because now I can do things like get business cards, get listed on the web site, etc., none of which we could do when I was officially volunteering.

For free expression we had to list our two biggest personal goals for the year. Now I have a lot of smaller goals, and I do believe goals should be measureable but I went with two un-measurable goals:
1. I said to strengthen my relationship with my parents, and actually I should include my brother in this as well
2. To strive towards my optimal level of focus and discipline. Now, when you’re close to your optimum level it is hard to tell where you are, exactly (and it will vary from day to day) but when you’re not even close, you know. So I know – I could be doing a lot to improve my focus and discipline. In terms of how to measure this I suppose I could just gauge at the end of each day how I did, and aim at least for improvement over time.

So. Now you all know. But this blog post isn’t about how I’m out of shape or what my goals for the year are, it’s about where I work. Which is, after all, maybe not the reason that I want to be here but may well be the purpose for my being here. Purpose in life is a big topic and part of the fun, of course, is that this is all unknowable. Of course, some things you do know and despite feeling a bit of lethargy and jetlag, and while it may be true that I’m too cocky for a girl, when the whole is greater than the sum of the parts something good is going on. Actually a lot of things have become clearer for me in the last few weeks, and now I need to wrestle with fully accepting things as they are now and not judging them, so that I can then be effective in changing them as I wish; well, so long as my motives are pure, that is.

Enough rambling. So last year I talked about what we do here at heart. What I didn’t say at the time was that shortly after that blog post we shut down our charitable operations and incubator in order to focus on our core portfolio. In some ways this is a setback. But as far as I’m concerned this is the best decision we made all year: I will get more strategic bandwidth from the rest of the management team, will focus on getting one or two big “wins” and will get to spend about 70% of my time managing and 30% doing business strategy and planning. Best of all, once we have a track record in terms of some bigger success stories (we have had a lot of success but very broad and distributed – this is time now for deep and narrow), I have two of the best networkers and salesmen I’ve ever met out there raising development capital to expand existing businesses and start new ones.

Also, this focus will push up the importance of interesting work into governance and how we rapidly smoke test new ideas for social businesses … this is the sexy stuff, actually (well, for me). Listing out my 2011 business goals is actually in some ways more fun than my personal goals. Not sure why this is, exactly. I suppose that is something I should ponder. Maybe about being something bigger than myself? Maybe the challenge of accomplishing things I can only influence and not directly control?

Also, part of this effort is also a re-branding. We are now Heart Capital, a social venture capital firm. How do you like that, I’ve always wanted to work for a venture capital firm and now I do. Well, sort of. A typical VC firm will find small companies to invest in, in exchange for an equity stake. Part of the problem with the incubator, though, is that many of the social entrepreneurs out there actually do not have a good understanding of what it takes to run a business. In an environment like that, where you must be betting on the jockey and not the horse, you just can’t invest capital. This is the problem we were hearing over and over from the international markets as a rationale for the incubator: while blended value capital is looking for places to invest, and goodness knows there is enough capital out there, qualified deal flow just doesn’t exist.

So, our solution is to found these social enterprises ourselves, then, once they get big enough, spin them off into separate and independent entities. We are still thinking about how the equity stakes will work, however. This is in some ways back to the root, or core concept but to me actually this makes more sense than the incubator ever did. If you can develop the ability to rapidly found social enterprises that have the best combination of business model and social impact, and create an ecosystem in which the whole is greater than the sum of the parts (think chaebol but without the conflicts of interest … this is where governance comes in!), and actually the Hub is a key part of this aspect of the strategy, well, then you have a real winner.

Why call ourselves a VC firm when this model is so different from a typical VC firm? Part of it I suppose is using terms the industry understands. When we say “self-sustaining” to mean a social enterprise that at least breaks even, no one knows what we mean. “Profitable” makes much more sense. Trying to invent or reinvent a term is hard (Exit41 folks may recall “order center”), so easier to take a term people understand and talk about the differences. Also our core focus is that of a venture capitalist: make money. BUT make it by also doing good, so as always we are after blended value investors, with a blended value offering.

First day back in the office consisted of fighting jet lag (I started to get tired around 10am which, of course, is around 3am EST), and starting to put together two formal proposals, one of which needs to be done tomorrow and the other done on Friday. Well, no better way to get back into things than to jump in the deep end. Once I gather my thoughts a little more, time to start structuring things and tracking progress. Yes, I am excited. This is the best 2011 ever! But why do I keep thinking of Jason and the golden fleece? It must mean something … anyone?


- “Our idea of vegetables is fried chicken.” – Jacques
- “You’re going to be very busy.” – Max
- “It’s pretty boring, actually.” – Jaco (in reference to the work permit, and I will indeed say it’s definitely worth a lot more than its weight in gold, the most expensive piece of paper I’ll probably ever own!)
- "Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right." - Henry Ford (quote pulled from the fishbowl)
- “That’s so cool. You’re official!” – Peter
- “Americans are hectic.” – Adin
- “Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. But not with Jack Parow.” – Ellie
- “Wisdom is not what anyone else tells us it is.” – Brad

London, and back in Cape Town

I was so exhausted from the previous night’s “sleep” (God knows how I managed to sleep at all between the snoring, the dog, the cramped loveseat I was sharing with Jimmy, the fact that there was no heat, a massive headache, the list could go on) that once I got on the plane I fell asleep almost immediately and slept the entire trip minus the dinner because I was starving.

So, my first time in the UK in I think 10 years! For some reason the universe conspired against my meeting up with any of the people that I know in London. The original plan was to be there Saturday and hang with my friend Chris, and drink wine, and meet his young daughter. But, that was not to be. Another friend was somewhere traveling (“miles away …” as I emailed back – so anachronistic! Miles!), and another was in lectures, and well I didn’t really have time to contact any others so. There I was.

Also there I was with not just my laptop but a whole carry-on because Virgin Atlantic has some stupid baggage policy. Really, what does it matter if a bag is in the hold or the cabin? Weight distribution was the party line but I think it’s just silliness.

Nonetheless, I was determined to have a good time but I didn’t really have any sort of plan whatsoever. So I got off the Tube at Holborn which is where the Ask Jeeves offices still are (I didn’t stop up because I don’t believe I know anyone who still works there and if I did it might be a little bit scary). I walked around the neighbourhood for a good bit, because there were some really cute areas not far from where we worked that I wanted to check out again, but pretty soon I got hungry so I stopped for some breakfast and coffee.

I was thinking of hitting up a CrossFit gym on a third continent but I actually wasn’t feeling that well so I thought better of it and instead hiked around for a bit: from the Tate Modern across the Millennium Bridge to St Paul’s (I happened to be wearing a St Paul’s sweatshirt that day, and it was really cold actually – just above freezing!), down to the Tower of London and the London Bridge, then took the Tube to Westminster and checked Westminster Abbey, before going to one of my favourite places in London: St James’ Park. I walked around that for a bit, noting the dove with one black feather (wonder if that means anything), and thought that the park looks a darn sight better in the spring, although one tree was blooming. It was obviously confused.

Next I walked up to Buckingham Palace which I never really looked at when I used to go there all the time. So many places I didn’t have the time (or energy, at this point my residual illness + cold temperatures + actually my knee that I sprained was acting up) to visit. I used to love going to Kensington and walking around, or up in Russell Square where I used to stay, or the British Museum …. But I was short on time so I headed back to the Thames to catch some photos of the London Eye and backlit photos of Parliament (should have thought of that earlier in the day, d’oh), before going by Belgo for dinner and, yes, a passionfruit beer. Couldn’t resist that one, and it was surprisingly good.

The wine bar underneath the Jeeves offices was still there as is the Starbucks (and Belgo!), but our local pub that I can’t even remember the name of is gone, replaced by some nondescript restaurant. Shame, I have so many happy memories of that place … I did not attempt to find the other place where, after too many gin & tonics, I agreed to read Harry Potter.

This being London and the northern hemisphere, it got dark around 4:30pm so I finished up with dinner and headed back to the airport. The security took all of 5 minutes and I didn’t even have to take my shoes off. While I’m at it, why do the U.S. and U.K. have different restrictions on allowed volume of liquids? 100ml is not 3oz. Just sayin’.

Also while I’m at it, Virgin was a way better airline 10 years ago in pretty much every way possible. Except the lines are shorter now. Guess cost pressures really have increased!

So as some of you may know in around 1999 I seriously considered moving to London. But for whatever reason inertia took over and I never actually took the steps required to have done so. Going back now I remembered why I had felt this way about it but I also realised that the feelings I felt back then and had echoed just now absolutely pale in comparison to how I feel for South Africa now. I like the U.K. but I often describe SA as being more like home than home, and I most certainly have never felt at home in the U.K. So: nice place to visit but probably not a place for me to be living.

Some places just have an energy about them. My mother once said in relation to I think Washington D.C., that it clearly had an energy to it but not one she was attuned to. I have heard that Cape Town has a spiritual special energy to it, and I don’t know about that but what I definitely know now is that I must consciously increase my energy when I leave this place, and actually I am not really sure how to do that yet. Despite everything, and I mean everything, I was practically giddy when I looked at the mountains here again. Strange, yes, and obviously gives me more to ponder. I guess you can only ask why so far as it goes, and sometimes you just need to accept how things are. You can’t make yourself feel something, or not feel something. You can, of course control how you handle the situation that is caused by your feelings and this is an area where clearly I could be doing better but then again, I’m human, and who can’t say the same thing about themselves anyway?

Speaking of odd coincidences, I finally kicked the last residual bits of illness on the plane to Cape Town. When I woke up about 3 hours out of town I realized I was actually, finally, 100% better. Not 95% or 99% or no fever and close enough to try and work out. I actually fully recovered from illness … on an airplane. Now who can say that?

Well, life is hard. I was also welcomed home to my apartment by a friend who had been housesitting, and by my showerhead deciding to come off the wall and create Lake 18 Chudleigh Court in the bathroom. C’est la vie. Nothing too much more interesting happened in the afternoon: we went out to lunch, I had my last latte for a while (time to get serious again!), I caught up on email, and went by Cape CrossFit for my first workout back at my home box. Glad I did, actually, the power cleans felt really light and I did pretty well on the complex we did after that, it was 3 reps of a variety of movements at a given weight and I did it with 43kgs, and failed at 45 but actually 45kgs is probably pretty close to my 3RM for push press anyway, and I was a bit tired, and managed to be both dehydrated and bloated at the same time. Plane travel will do that to you!

Dinner was roast chicken, roasted butternut in coconut oil, and salad. And Delaire Sauvignon Blanc. Also accompanied by some great conversation: about power dynamics, the morality of speeding, and cults. Among other things.

When I was in Boston, Cape Town felt like it was very, very distant. Now that I’m back, Boston doesn’t actually feel so far away even though I know that it is. I am grateful that the days are lasting a little longer around here, that the heat wave is over, and that I’m generally healthy although I’m looking forward to some real discipline in all aspects of my life over the coming weeks. Vacation’s over. It’s time to step my game up. We’ve been talking about it for ages but talk is cheap: 2011 is here.

“Let the games begin.” – Peter
“Telepathy is perfectly natural.” – The Celestine Prophecy
“Tomorrow the storm begins.” – Ellie

The waiting

For the record, and because I realize I forgot to post this earlier, I am pretty sure that the New Years party (well, parties, to be more accurate…) I went to was not only the best New Year’s party I’ve ever gone to (it was enough fun to make me forget that I wasn’t at the Bakoven pirate cove!) but possibly the most fun I have ever had at any party, ever.

Another thing I forgot to mention was my utter shock at Shaq playing for the Celtics. I first discovered this at Hennessy’s I think last week, I wasn’t watching the game but I saw him on the post-game press conference in a green Celtics hat and I had quite a “topsy-turvy world” moment. But anyway, cool! He is apparently doing this out of choice for practically no money and is very active in the community. So, good for him!

Moving on. This week featured a lot of waiting, for a couple of things (including getting fully well, my throat remains a little bit irritated), but, most critically, to get my passport back from the South African Consulate, who were processing my work permit. And by processing, what I think I mean was they were waiting to get around to reviewing it: after a week and a half they hadn’t touched it. But in the final analysis everything was in order and while the delay (they were a few days past the 10 day turnaround time listed on the web site which apparently is only an “estimate”) caused me to have to reschedule my flights, the work permit was approved for three years so that was actually the important thing. Now I can actually be paid for the work I am doing – very exciting!

While I’m on the subject: been thinking a lot about the ability we have to affect the world around us (whether or not we’re living in a computer simulation; still haven’t read that article!). But one thing I will comment on is the utter truth of first accepting the reality of the situation before you can make any attempt to change it. For example if you are going to beat cancer you either need to be in complete denial, or, accept that you have cancer, that yes, it did in fact happen to YOU, and then decide you are going to beat it. You can’t beat it by straddling both camps and being half in denial that it’s actually happening and half deciding you’re going to beat it. Nope. Doesn’t work like that.

I actually didn’t really do a lot this week other than catch up with friends & family (the latter mainly over lunches). Monday night I was at Dylan’s with ex-co-workers chatting about such topics as the new CEO of Exit41. Tuesday was dinner with my best friend from Babson, followed by watching Scotty D at Hennessy’s for a while (he even dedicated a song to me!). Wednesday was a bit of a night off.

By Thursday I was feeling well enough to go into CrossFit Fenway for a workout, mainly because they were doing cleans that day. I feel like I did actually get some good pointers on technique; it’s always good to talk to different coaches from time to time. I also love CrossFit Fenway: it’s small, the coaches are good, they limit class sizes, and they take the time to make sure everyone is doing things properly. But anyway although I felt fine when we got to the metcon part of the workout I realised I was not – my throat was still ticklish and what this translated to was painful breathing. At least I’m getting way better at double-unders when I am tired!

Thursday was pub night at Cambridge Common. This was supposed to be a going away party but since I wasn’t actually leaving the next day (and in fact had no idea when I would be leaving) it was basically just a party, except that it happened to be the last time I saw a bunch of people. So, going away party indeed! The first time I had a going away party here in April a bunch of us got very drunk, thanks to shots of tequila. Multiple. And that was the worst hangover I think I have ever had: it took me over an hour to eat half a sandwich the next day. Needless to say, when someone suggested tequila shots on this night, especially since I was driving, I took a bit of persuading. But heck a sewing machine had just showed up in the bar, so clearly this was going to be an unusual evening. In any event I only had one, and then actually wound up staying a few more hours at the bar so it was all well and good. The party was thinning out around midnight and I was about ready to head home when my friend texted me that she was coming by, so to make a long story short by the time I finally got home it was nearly 3am!

After getting the call from the SA Consulate Friday morning I “celebrated” by doing 100 burpees by the fire. Unfortunately the floor was cold so my feet started to feel a bit frozen which made the last 20 or so particularly difficult. I think the first 20 or so were easy, then by about 40 I started to wonder what the heck I was doing. Well, on the plus side my workout for the day was over in 6:40!

Friday night was family birthday dinner for Robert at the BraeBurn Country Club, where I had a lovely braised lamb shank, a nice Californian Cabernet and some very sub-par Pinotage. Winter food! It was actually snowing a little bit. On the way over there I had stopped by CFNE to pick up a pair of Innov-8 shoes (one of the people who trains there is the local distributor so you can get them cheaply). I was hoping for pink or red but the only ones in my size were green (BRIGHT green), and beggars can’t be choosers, and I do like green. I tell you what, these shoes make a statement; can’t wait to try them out! They have a flatter sole than most running shoes, and are very lightweight so they are a good all-around CrossFit shoe (apparently you must not use them for rope climbing however or you can ruin the sole), and can also use them for sprinting. I mean I guess you can use them for longer distance too but they will wear out quickly. If I like them, may need to stock up next time I’m back!

Before trying on the shoes I was goofing around a little bit and decided to practice to see if I could get my 2 consecutive pullups which is the first of my 2011 goals that I felt ready to attempt. My problems with pullups are just with technique; if you lose your momentum you can’t really get it back. So: boom, first goal of 2011 done on the 7th of January. Some of them (400m run sub-1:05) are going to take a bit longer! Now on to 5 consecutive pullups. CFNE were doing CrossFit Total for the workout on that day, and boy if I had actually been feeling 100% I would love to have done that (it’s 1RM deadlift, press, and back squat, you add the weights together for your total score).

Following dinner I headed to Everett where a friend runs karaoke on Friday nights, and she texted some other friends to come hang out for a few beers once I got there. I am ashamed to admit two facts: 1. I did not actually know where Main Street Everett was (the road I thought it was turned out to be Broadway), and I used to live in Everett. Sad. 2. I brought one of my new shoes into the bar to show it off. But, hey, Katie apparently drove someone out of the bar by singing “I’m on a Boat” so at least that was pretty funny!

Saturday morning I packed and then we headed to Quincy for a hash through the Blue Hills. That was really awesome! Running through the uneven surface was pretty challenging, but super fun. And this is where I learned that it’s pretty smart to follow Jimmy CW wherever it is he goes! Well, at least until he’s drunk … more on this later!

So the walkers apparently felt the need to stay at the beer check and drink all the remaining beer, so as a result we runners waited for them for literally an hour. I was cold. I was actually so cold that I went inside. Yes, I’m starting to feel like a real wuss … then happily when everyone got back we went into the basement instead of remaining outside. And then two people ate durians and I had some of one of them. I like durians, I don’t know what the problem is. Corpse fruit? Banned on the Singapore subway? Even the dog won’t eat it? Well there’s no accounting for my taste. Maybe it was addled by PBR.

Dinner was at a superb local pub where they had the football game on every TV (!) good beer by the pitcher, and did not serve us Irish car bombs (er, um, …). Had a bit of déjà vu after drinking the car bomb when I was talking to a friend who was apologising for how he thought he came across the other night (odd because another friend had also done the exact same thing a few nights before at Cambridge Common). I found both of these situations strange because in both cases I had a very positive memory of the conversation they were apologising for. Not to mention that I don’t really think you should ever apologise for saying what you think: if someone gets their feelings hurt, they should probably grow a thicker skin, I mean ignorance may be bliss but if someone is going to think something about me best they tell me to my face rather than just think it or, worse, talk behind your back. Of course do I always practice this one myself? No … but trying to get better. Nobody is perfect, and after all our souls are here to progress, right?

Most of us headed back to Ryan’s place to continue drinking. I was actually pretty stupid because I drank so much that I fell asleep before the end of the Jets-Colts game which was actually probably the best football game I would have been able to watch on all of my trips to the States. Oops. Well, on the plus side the Jets won. Not that it matters, the Pats are going to smash them next week. Oh, so on the way a few of us are driving back over and we see Jimmy in the parking lot wandering aimlessly, so we tell him to get in the car. So he gets in the car. Next thing his phone rings and the side of the conversation we hear goes something like: “I’m in a car.” “I don’t know.” “Well they told me to get in!” Apparently he had abandoned the guy who was supposed to be giving him a ride back! Then he upped this an hour or so later by not leaving with his ride back to Western Mass. He must have had some great faith in the universe that he would get home eventually! Oh, the hilarity …

The hilarity continued the next morning when we realised there was no heat or hot water, and we couldn’t actually find the hot water heater. Peppermint did find a gauge on the oil tank that read EMTY, so we assumed that was the problem and headed out to breakfast at a local diner. Turns out someone had just accidentally flicked the emergency off switch. Not sure about the EMTY gauge!

So we were all a bit tired and punchy and so the breakfast conversations went something like this:
“Have you ever been to a Springboks game?”
“Yes.”
“Cool. … What the fuck is up with Zimbabwe?”
… and …
“Wow, that’s bigger than I expected it to be.”
“That’s what she said.”

And so goes the hash. I was disappointed that no one else ordered the hash special; I thought it was great, if a bit salty.

Since I was going to be getting on a long plane ride after the afternoon’s run, I really needed a shower so I went to my friend’s place in Somerville and hung out there for the rest of the afternoon until it was time to head to Alewife and participate in some mass stunt where people took their pants off on the T. I was wearing a lion costume anyway so this wasn’t so dramatic for me but boy it was cold and I tell you what, some of these people are really nuts. Pants for the color blind anyone?

Unfortunately it was cold out (maybe mid-20s F) so my ideas of running around without my sweatshirt on were stymied but it was a really fun trail and the sunset was absolutely stunning. I wound up near the back of the pack for a while because I was so busy taking pictures! But what a way to end my last day in Boston. This was some emotional goodbye, and yes, I do love this city. It’s beautiful and I have some wonderful, beautiful, supportive friends who I miss terribly. But North America is not for me, not for now at least.

There’s a mountain called my life /
What’s on the other side I cannot see /
And it’s a road that just keeps on winding /
Keeps on winding forever it seems
- Sunburn

• “Darn that Consulate.” – Peter
• “i didn't realise that you were theeee ellie” – Kath (God only knows what she’s heard about “theeee ellie”)
• “Patron is always a good decision.” – Ben
• “You are too cocky for a girl.” – Dimitry (I’m leaving out what he said next … but you can probably guess)
• “Ok, wow, yeah, you kicked my ass. That was pretty sad.” – Dimitry (second guy in a week that I beat doing pushups while drinking … I really must learn not to do that but unfortunately when you challenge me I’m very competitive!)
• “I haven’t let a closed tab stop me from drinking.” – Ben (or maybe Melvin??)
• “I think I may have, um, left my sewing machine at the bar …” – Ben
• “I can’t believe you ate that!” – Jimmy
• “Ever feel like you’re going in a basement to be murdered?” – Jack
• “It’s like a South African bank!” – Ellie (in reference to the one-at-a-time entrance procedure for the basement we were trying to get into)
• “It tastes like a milkshake!” – Katie (in reference to the Irish car bomb we had just drunk)
• “Don’t open it, just throw it.” – Jack (I think he was talking about a can of beer)
• “I don’t even remember being here.” – 2nd
• “My chicken suit is with Maid of Honor.” – Katie