The road trip to end all road trips

One thing I’ve noticed recently is that a lot of people don’t ‘get’ marketing. They can sell something to someone who is similar to them, but they don’t know how to speak to people with different backgrounds and motivations.

Well, I didn’t know Susan Mopper very well before agreeing to let her hang with me for a few weeks, and well, you know how it goes. Friends are one thing, roommates are another. Similar to J last year though, we knew each other both a bit, and by reputation, which made it somewhat safe from both of our standpoints.

So without a worry in the world about what might go wrong, I planned an epic road trip. To me, what makes a good road trip is ROAD. And coffee. And food. But you never know what’s going to work for other people, especially those you don’t know that well.

Turns out, this lady is my sister from another mother (an overused phrase, but true in this case). You want to know something about me? Ask her. True story.

Long story short? My plan found a willing partner in crime, and after five solid days together we’re still buddy-buddy. Which means we’re both pretty chill, most of the time!

Our itinerary:

• Friday: wake up early (haha … too much wine at Carne the night before put an end to this part of the plan!), drive to Prince Albert for lunch. A box of grapes, a rainstorm, and long drive later we arrived. Unfortunately the place Keith and I ate last year was closed …. So we went to another place where we ate with this lovely granny who told us essentially her life story in about an hour, while sitting by the fire, eating Karoo lamb. We planned to drive the Swartberg pass but it was impassable due to snow, mud, slush, etc. so we went on the paved roads and stopped to take photos of aspen-like trees over rivers. Beautiful. Dinner in Wilderness … the best steak in the area, apparently, and I think I ate a 500g t-bone all by myself.
• Saturday: Beach WOD: sprinting (2x100m, 4x200m, 2x100m), breakfast at Moontide (LOVE this place!!), drove to Knysna for some salad and coffee by the heads, window shopping, oysters & champagne, to Storms River Rest Camp to check in, then back to Knysna for dinner at Firefly. One of my top five restaurants in South Africa, hands down. My introduction to just how awesome American country music can be on the drive home in the dark.
• Sunday: Storms River Mouth hike (was supposed to be preceded by a repeat of last year’s running/HSPU/burpee box jump WOD but my body wasn’t having any of it), drive to Jeffreys Bay for lunch by the sea, and then another long drive to Hogsback, punctuated by the most hectic petrol station EVER. Hogsback was apparently JRR Tolkein’s inspiration for Lord of the Rings (he apparently vacationed there as a child). Dinner at a local bar & grill type place then back to the B&B to chill, accompanied by Two Minute Puzzle and Jeremy Loops.
• Monday: Woke up to rosy fingered dawn. Breakfast, walk to a lookout point, hike through the Arboretum, lunch, and a long road trip through the countryside. Aloes and blue skies. Stunning sunset that Susan chased in the car, an aborted trip down a dirt road, and a non-paleo meal in a frontier town restaurant (the sad thing being we TRIED to order it properly … really we did!).
• Tuesday: We were supposed to go horseback riding in the Addo Elephant National Park and hopefully see some elephants. But … long story short, we didn’t, and just drove straight back to Cape Town instead. Like straight back straight back, arriving literally 2 minutes before qigong.

But: mainly a lot of road, and a lot of country. A lot of driving, and a lot of drivers. Road that varied from flat, wide, and straight, to narrow, windy, twisty, and rutted. Even dirt roads in some parts. The non-reflective road paint on narrow roads at night could be a bit scary, I’ll admit.

I do want to take this opportunity to comment about the general awesomeness of the average South African rural driver. There are some exceptions, certainly, but for the most part the drivers are aware and courteous. It is common practice to move to the side of the road, if you can, and it’s safe, if you see a vehicle behind that wants to overtake (most roads, even national highways, are only one lane each direction most of the time). There was about 95% compliance to this practice on our road trip.

Secondly, you are aware not just of what is going on in your lane but of what is going on in the other direction. There were multiple occasions when overtaking another vehicle would not have been safe had the oncoming traffic not also proactively moved over. I love the predictable unpredictability of the Cape Town drivers but I also like the predictable predictability of the rural drivers. Just …. So on the ball. And fast moving. Which I guess you have to be with vast distances to cover.

What is also awesome is the speed limits. They are entirely appropriate: for well-lit, dry roads.

I’d been on the Garden Route before so while it was of course stunning, it was not new. What was new to me was Hogsback, which was amazing …. Like it reminded me of New England around Halloween amazing, but in its own sort of way. Seriously, I could have stayed there for a week.  And I could have stayed in Tsitsikamma for a week, and I could have driven for a week around the Eastern Cape and up the Wild Coast. There are some places in the world that are quite soul-less, and others where you feel like your heart is going to explode from sheer joy just by being there. That’s how I feel about Cape Town and some of the places we’ve been on this trip. But also San Francisco, and New England in the spring and fall, and even places I haven’t been, like Savannah, Georgia, Denver, and the Southwest.

Life is all about choices of course. Some are good, some are bad. Some seem like a good idea at the time. As much as I love it here, and I see something every day that makes me rejoice that I’ve chosen to move here, I do sometimes miss America. I miss the flags, the Dodge Rams, the football, the familiar chain stores, the dollar, the driving on the right, the American man.

Bottom line? I love my country. Both of them.

At dinner with Susan at Firefly we were talking about all numbers of things but one of the subjects was how some of the best relationships are the ones that never happen. The guy who comes to town and turns your world upside down … and then goes home. The guy who you meet and start to fall for right before you both are moving away. (high school, anyone?) These are special because you just never know. It never had a chance to fall apart, for familiarity to turn into contempt.

In some ways the best part of any relationship is that awkward time between when you were happily talking and getting to know each other, and discovering you had common ground, and before someone makes the first move. That time when you actually both realise you like each other and you’re not quite sure, and you try to play it cool whenever someone else might notice your crazy behaviour. That time when you have a huge silly grin on your face when you see each other but you both make each other so nervous you literally can’t think of anything to say or what you do say sounds stupid the second it comes out of your mouth, when you’re verbally (and sometimes even physically) dancing around each other with stars in your eyes. For a minute, you’re a teenager again. Everything is possible, everything is perfect.

But it isn’t. Or maybe it is. That’s the wonderful/terrible thing about imagination; about anticipation. That’s the yin and the yang, the dark and the light. Cape Town as a graphic novel. Life.

I’m sorry but you really cannot understand the euphoria of the good if you haven’t felt the despair of the bad. I’d much rather life be a roller coaster than a pancake.

Susan also made the good point that part of why we can appreciate this beauty so much is that we don’t stop often enough actually to notice and appreciate. Even living in places like Cape Town and Denver, you look, and you see, but maybe not as deeply as you could.

When you’re on the road, you have a lot of time to think, in between exclaiming: “My GOD that’s breathtaking!” or “Check out this idiot driving!” or “I’m starting to understand why they put warning labels on alcohol not to drink and walk in the road because you may be killed.” I do have a tendency to over-commit, by which I mean both that I over-estimate my own ability to do things, and that when I commit to something it’s no joke. I hesitate to start things because once I do start there is no stopping me. I guess it makes sense; you can’t coach passion and if you don’t have passion for something and you’re doing it for some other reason, at some point, that reason won’t be enough.

Getting out of town was just what I needed to clear my head. I feel, in a way, like I’m wrapping up the first part of this year as I prepare to go to the U.S.; many of my plans will commence upon my return, and in a way I’m actually kind of just waiting for that. So I’m of two minds. The impatient and petulant Ellie wants to get going already, wants to be like Neo and just be able to KNOW. The more chill version of me is looking forward to a long vacation, and understands that before you can be ready to learn a lesson, to get ripped down and built back up, you need to be prepared, to be ready.

Susan’s right: you can’t appreciate accomplishment if you haven’t put in the work to get there. Although one person’s idea of a good time is another person’s idea of work. Maybe when I realised that my version of ‘hardcore’ was unbroken rest, it helped.

I know it in theory, but you don’t learn lessons before you’re ready, and you don’t listen to advice until you decide you’re going to. At least I finally have the mental tools to handle it without getting cranky, and the first step in the breakdown process is to get ready for the dismantling that is going to begin. To move up the spiral you must move up to the next level, and stepping forward sometimes requires stepping back.

10 day rest starts on Sunday.

And will be broken with a triple. Because that’s how I roll. [and that’s what Laa-Laa has planned for us!]

• “You were already part of the family. You just didn’t know it yet.” – Susan
• “You are high maintenance. But in a very low maintenance sort of way.” – Susan
• “If you don’t have to live without bacon, why would you?” – Susan
• “You had me at ice cream.” – Ellie
• “It’s just about doing things right.” – Susan
• “I don’t know what’s worse, people who are intimidated by your strength or weak people who find it sexy.” – Susan
• “You’re right. It is our fault that we’re surrounded by awesomeness.” – Susan
• “That petrol station had more life than JBay and Knysna put together!” – Susan
• “I f*cking love this song.” “It’s Jeremy. How could you not love it?” – Susan & Ellie
• “Who wants rewards without doing the work?” – Susan
• “I don’t know why they put a vest on that poodle. He’s already got a sweater on.” – Susan
• “That would be like insta-death. Which beats a long, slow death I suppose. But I don’t want to die today.” – Ellie
• “Yes! Good job.” – Shirfu

Zealotry

Or, not having an open mind. Zealots of all sorts have always annoyed me. Religious zealots, Mac zealots, CrossFit zealots, you name it. I admit I went through a CrossFit zealot phase. I call it evangelism stage 1, when you think it’s the coolest thing ever and try to push it on anyone who will listen, even if it’s clearly not a good fit.

Difference being, I grew out of it. I actually get quite sick of talking about CrossFit sometimes. Sometimes. But I usually don’t bring it up any more, except maybe to make a point or a comparison. I no longer argue with people when they try and tell me about their diet or how they eat. If people are curious, and ask me, I will tell them. But I’m over pushing my religion onto other people.

To each his own. We all do different sports for different reasons, and each is unique and wonderful in its own way. I have tremendous respect for trail runners and triathletes and pole vaulters and karate black belts. I do. What all serious athletes share is a dedication to the sport, to taking more from it than what it takes from you, to leaving your personal sh*t at the door when you go to train. Like beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the ‘best’ sport is a personal question.

I mean … I get that you think your way is best. And there are probably very good reasons why you think that way. But there are many ways to skin a cat.

Fundamentalist people who don’t think are just like sheep. You can tell them anything. But on the other hand, how bad are the rest of us most of the rest of the time, just sitting around waiting for a leader to tell us what to do or spur us into action? Why do we revere the teacher so much? The master? The gravitas comes from …. Where? From within, or do we endow it on the individual? Or both?

Same concept goes for business. One attribute I am continuously working towards is keeping an open mind. Not committing the ad hominem. Accepting when my opinion is maybe wrong when confronted by data that doesn’t meet my expectations. Letting people voice disagreements. Changing my mind when it’s warranted. Changing tactics when that’s warranted. Even giving up and moving on, and not worshipping sunk costs.

I like to learn as much as I can, try things out, see what works. Test. Evaluate. Conclude. Repeat. Not as structured as this, of course, but this is how we learn, and we of course learn more from our failures and pains than our accidental successes. Life is one fiery cauldron. But I believe in, and practice, a mixture of religions. CrossFit and qigong. Lynotherapy and acupuncture. MBA and social change. These are strange bedfellows. To me, it makes sense; I absolutely love the mixture of east and west, hard and soft, practical and ideal. But what works for me won’t necessarily work for others.

Interestingly enough, we also fear the teacher. I think because he or she is going to evaluate us. Not the same as judgement, but close enough to be scary. If you can break me down physically and mentally and reconstruct me so my mind and body are significantly stronger, I’d do it.

Right? Or would I be too scared of my coach seeing me in that broken down state, the lowest of the low? I guess it depends on how badly you want it.

Had great conversations with Henk at the Bromwell and Jaco at Mama Rosie’s, both of which, while very different in content, paralleled each other well because the difficult thing isn’t doing things. It’s really all about people, relationships, living life, knowing which things to do, and following through. What path to take: where to live, where to work, what sport to choose, what to eat, how to balance work/training/life, who to be friends with, who to have a relationship with, when to leave a relationship. How life trains you to the degree that you let it, and how 22 year-olds can be more mature than 32 year-olds.

I think at the end of the day, you kind of know. Somewhere deep inside you know what’s going to be right even if you haven’t fully comprehended it in your prefrontal cortex, if you haven’t yet explained it to yourself. I figured out something this week that was bothering me, and it was an intense relief. I always want to understand what I see going on around me and when I don’t get it and it’s important to me, it bugs. Like it drives me crazy. People are like arches; if something doesn’t fit once you figure out the keystone everything makes sense and it’s beautiful.

Speaking of crazy and beauty, a conversation with my co-worker this week got me thinking about animated Cape Town. Like Cape Town as a graphic novel. Think about all the things that go on in Cape Town (or in any city, really): the family dinners, the rapes, the picnics, the people shooting heroin, the tequila shots, the kung fu training, the informal markets, the blowing out of a candle. The intense dedication to … whatever. Your sport. Your book. Your work. So many separate worlds, literally right next to each other, and yet oblivious to each other.

What would make Cape Town such a great setting for a graphic novel is the smallness of the town, the natural beauty that surrounds us every day, and the start contrast between the bright sun and white walls, especially in summer, and the dark, cold of night. When Cape Town is light, it is hard to see. When Cape Town is dark, it is impossible.

We left Cape Town for the Garden Route on Friday morning. Had a bit of a late start due to Michelle’s birthday dinner at Carne on Thursday. That was a lot of fun. I do love my CrossFit family. I have a good one. More details on the trip in the next post.

I must be doing something wrong, because I keep getting emotionally beat up to the point where I need two [long] vacations a year. That much was clear when I under-performed on a mentally tough workout that is my favourite workout. No matter how much you want to leave your sh*t at the door when you train, it doesn’t quite work that way. And yes, the body is tired and sore and injured …. But that’s not what went bad this week. Fundamentally, what needs the most strengthening is my mind.

My qigong instructor Bridget told me that you only dream when your mind is troubled. If this is true, I don’t know. A few months ago I had a very powerful dream; one that spurred me to take action. To a certain degree I think that interpreting dreams is kind of garbage and I’m no longer a fan of predicting the future, but from another angle, if they are a mirror of our subconscious, then this one may have turned out to be more meaningful even than I thought at the time.

Am I scared? Hell yeah. 

• “Physio? You look possessed!” – Zaheer
• “Where are all the A players?” – Henk
• “I’m sorry but defeating me and then trying to kiss me counts as provocation!” – Ellie
• “Normal people don’t do this stuff. You know that, right? I’m not the first one to tell you that, right?” – Jaco
• “They are just glorified vegetables with beaks and wings!” – Jaco
• “Everyone’s tired anyway but we enjoy it.” – Mama Rosie
• “You must confront the source.” – Shirfu (seriously, must oracles also speak like oracles?)
• “I met a coach.” – Amanda
• “We see not 50% improvement. 100% improvement.” – Amanda
• “Don’t stop. Don’t hesitate. Just go for it.” – Zaheer
• “You know that moment when you realise you’ve already decided you’re going to do something?” – Ellie
• “Once you decide what you’re going to do, there’s no going back for you, it’s a full commitment.” – Lauren
• “There’s another bottle upstairs. Calm yourself, woman!” – waiter at Carne

Shu-Ha-Ri

The first rule of Fight Club is: don’t talk about Fight Club. And the sign of someone truly confident is someone who doesn’t need to brag or show off about what they can do.

One of the clichés that I always repeat when people ask me why I’m in South Africa is just about how I fell in love with the place. That the lights seemed brighter, the sounds seemed louder, everything seemed more vivid here. Still does. Susan was saying how when she is taking photos she can actually kind of see the vividness. But, I suppose, she’s looking for it since I put the idea into her head.

One of the best things about new people coming to town is getting to see the world through their eyes, which is to say, a reminder of what I used to notice before I just got used to it as being ‘normal.’ The curiosity about the car guards, the amusement over buying electricity, the crazy insane hectic traffic, the overuse of the word hectic. It’s like Olivia said on the way home from work every day in reference to the pedestrians nearly getting run over by various vehicles including my own: “It’s like Frogger! Every day!”

I’ve been thinking this week about how you see what you are looking for, and how much of everything really is in the mind. The difference between the Olympic lift you make and the lift you miss isn’t your strength, it’s your belief as to whether or not you will make the lift (well, that and the execution). But you miss almost 100% of the lifts you believe you are going to miss when the bar leaves the ground.

My crazy hectic physiotherapy is so painful that some of the practioners have a hard time doing it, because some of the patients literally can’t stand the pain. I can understand that. I have a high pain tolerance, and I find it …. Very painful. But, it actually makes sense to me and it definitely seems to be helping, dramatically. I had never really thought of being able to handle high levels of pain as mental strength, but it beats telling the physio to stop and either not getting the benefit, or having to take more sessions to work as deep as is needed. I always say to anyone doing bodywork on me that whatever pain they cause hurts less than the pain of injury. Do what you need to do, people.

But you also see what you are looking for, and miss what you don’t. It’s ironic when you say something intended to make someone think about what they are doing but it’s too subtle and goes right over their head. Or when you start seeing yin and yang everywhere, once you start looking for it.

It’s all sparring. It’s all kung fu.

I love it.

I think when people look at CrossFit they see the physical. I think when you start CrossFit you focus on the physical, and the diet, sleep, recovery, etc. The mental aspect of it is there, but it’s kind of hidden. The yin is outweighed by the yang. Perhaps that’s what makes CrossFit New England so successful (they are famous for focusing on mental training). How to train your mind … I am not sure. It’s like how to maintain proper body movement while fatigued. I even specifically decided to do a workout with deadlifts, to practice body control while injured and fatigued. Risky, yes, but it’s part of my mental training. Definitely a realisation I’ve come to recently; I would much rather be complimented for my mental strength than any sort of physical prowess, and you can always tell the people who will be good because of the look in their eyes rather than what their bodies are currently capable of.

When I was at university I took this one writing class where the teacher said on the first class something about how tough it was going to be. Some huge number of people didn’t come back. For me, that ‘warning’ was the best advertisement possible. To say that qigong has the highest dropout rate in the Centre, is a similar sort of advertisement, especially when coupled with the statement that it’s possibly the most powerful thing taught there. If it were easy, it wouldn’t be any fun to master; there wouldn’t be a sense of accomplishment.

Something else is the importance of taking what your teachers have to teach you, and once you reach a certain level of competence interpreting their teachings in your own way and then potentially even moving beyond. Interesting excerpt from another blog post on this subject:

Going back further in Okinawan Karate history before Karate was introduced to Japan, they had the interesting concept of Shu-Ha-Ri, which I have discussed before.  However, to recap:

Shu:    means that you copy your master as closely as possible, to learn his techniques in as much detail as you can.
Ha:    means that once your technique is up to a good standard, you have the freedom to make subtle changes to suit your own physique and experiences.
Ri:    means that you have mastered the techniques to the extent that they are a natural part of you.  At this point the student may transcend the master.

This is not a far cry from Bruce Lee’s famous quote: “Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless, add what is specifically your own.”

Wise.

But – when the end of the road approaches, sometimes we don’t want to see it. Call it inertia, call it worshipping sunk costs … I’ve always said when I absorb what I can and get bored I move on. But usually I take about a year too long to do so. However, which is worse – sticking it out too long and making sure you’ve learned all you have to learn, or snatching defeat from the jaws of victory? In a way, I may have left Ask Jeeves too early. But man, it was crushing my soul to stay. I don’t regret that decision any more than I regret quitting school to work there.

Maybe at the end of the day that’s what it comes down to: regrets and remorse. The two are not the same, by the way, any more than are correlation and causation.

I have been discussing gender and strength in South Africa for a couple of days now, ever since Marcel (the sprint coach) was saying how many fewer women were doing athletics now than was the case 20 years ago. They are all now too afraid of growing big muscles. Anna was saying that she stopped weight training for the same reason. Seems to me this country needs some strong female sex symbols, to at least give women a choice of what they want to aspire to.

I mean really, for every guy who might think I am too muscular, or strong or aggressive or scary there are probably three who think I’m incredibly hot because I’m strong, and because I’m different. The cute little CrossFit outfits that look even cuter out of context don’t hurt, certainly. But let’s face it (I can’t take credit for taking this line of thinking to its logical conclusion, so I’ll just say it – Susan is right!): any man who’s going to be interesting to her (or me) is going to be one who’s not afraid of that strength. One who, when the sweats come off doesn’t back away but rather lets out an involuntary: “Oh yeah!”

And I don’t just mean the physical strength. If you’re going to spar, there needs to be respect.

• “I could never be with someone who is either physically or emotionally weaker than I am.” – Susan
• “When your heart rate goes up, it gets hard.” – Graham
• “It will do you a world of good.” – Hon
• “If I say I think you’re strange, it means I love you. If I say I think you’re a nerd, it means I respect you.” – Ellie
• “It’s Laa-Laa. What’s the worst that could happen?” – Ellie (this was followed by maniacal laughing by Susan)
• “Ellie, I’m actually scared that one day I’m going to break my computer over Wordpress. No, I’m being serious now, this is ridiculous.” – Tallan (I was giggling in the middle)
• “I think you’ve found your guy.” – Zaheer
• “You can’t feel sorry for horrible creatures!” – Bridget
• “Dragon water. Well of course it is [called that].” – Susan
• “I never could be vegetarian. It wouldn’t be possible.” – Jeff

Zen and the art of learning

The physical: that one’s obvious. The mental: that ability to know where your limit is, and actually push yourself to or over it. The emotional: knowing when to fight or argue, or talk, when not to, and why. These are the things I’m learning.

I was about to write I’m not a teacher, but that’s actually not true. I am a teacher, like it or not. I am also a role model, like it or not. But this was all by way of prefacing that I’m not sure but I suspect that teachers get a kick out of students who learn. Some coaches prefer to work with newbies so they can see progress; some prefer to work with elite athletes whose motivation, dedication, and execution will be at a high level. But ultimately, if you’re teaching and someone’s not getting it for whatever reason, that’s gotta be frustrating. Especially if they are not even trying to learn.

I was a bit stressed on Friday not only because I had stuff I wanted to get done that didn’t happen because there was too much else going on, but also because I needed to spend time with two of my interns, to guide them. And I love this time that I spend with them, but it’s very draining because I want to do a good job, and I know that they also want and expect and need me to be doing a good job. You can’t half-ass guiding someone, and you can’t be partly present, especially when the subjects are complex and you’re trying to solve problems that no one has solved for years. On the flip side, I also care A LOT, because they are working on things that I have wanted to get concrete insight into literally for YEARS. Focus, focus, focus.

But I’m excited by both of their progress, and insights, and maturity. Now that I’m a little older, I do tend to underestimate the young. Hell, when I was their age I was running a little group at Ask Jeeves, and sure as shit didn’t want people underestimating me. But I see how it happens, it’s easy to do. If you’re not paying attention. The difference between a groove and a rut is only the depth, right? Or, if you’re so convinced you’re right that you stop paying attention to new information.

So Friday after work I drove up to Bellville to do my first sprint workout, but also to get a sense of this coach. For a learner and a teacher to work well together there must be mutual respect, and it helps if you get along as people. I think Marcel and I may just get along. I am a decent enough athlete, and knowledgeable enough athlete (thank you Cape CrossFit) that I can look and sound like I know what I’m doing. From my first impression of him, there are things he can teach me. Mechanics, yes: my stride length should be a lot longer but my knee height and turnover are good. You can sort of see when someone looks at you and says essentially: “pretty good but you could be a LOT better if we make a couple adjustments” that they see some sort of potential.

We somehow got on the subject of mental strength and being able to push yourself to the edge vs leaving something on the table. This is something I struggle with, and one of the reasons I’m sort of out and about trying to learn from different masters. So I’d say we passed each other’s tests. He wants me to train five days a week, which is amusing because I had just told him what I wanted to get out of the training, which is to complement my CrossFit in some very specific ways.

So I go back to the CrossFit gym to pick up Susan and one of the other students in her class, and then my gymmates staged a somewhat tongue-in-cheek-but-not-really intervention. Like training somewhere else is stepping out on the family, you know? So yeah it’s an ego boost that they care enough to care about what I do. And another part of me thinks it’s none of their damn business how I choose to train, but that’s also a cop out and I know it. I owe this gym and these people and this community a LOT, and I am an important part of the Cape CrossFit competition armada. So actually, it is their business too, and I do owe them at least an explanation. Because, after all, I’m doing this for fun, yes, and because I can, yes, but also because I think it will make me a better CrossFit athlete for a lot of reasons that have less to do with the physical and more to do with having another coach, having more competition experience, having some variety, running more, etc., etc.

And damn, my hamstrings are sore in a way that they haven’t been in years. Constantly varied, functional movement performed at high intensity. Boom.

Speaking of training, Saturday I did my home version of the workout I’d missed on Wednesday because that was acupuncture day. The CCF armada did Lynne which is 5 rounds for reps of bench press (it’s supposed to be bodyweight for the guys and obviously some smaller percentage of that for girls), followed by max pullups. I don’t have a bench or a pullup bar at home but I do have the gymnastic rings so I did floor press (which is a more dreadful version of bench press), and ring pullups. Unfortunately I picked too light of a weight for the floor press … my first round was 27 reps. And then the pullups were as dreadful as you might think, but I got 15 on the first round, never fewer than 10, and most importantly of all even with all that kipping my injury is feeling none the worse for wear today. It was a fun workout. Any sort of strengthcon I am most likely going to love.

Following the workout and introducing Susan to the fun that is the Biscuit Mill, we went to the opening of the martial arts studio, followed by drinking wine in the shop with two of the instructors, followed by dinner with most of the family and instructors in Sea Point, and by dinner I really mean drinking.

Now I’m not sure for what reason but my insecurities require pretty constant validation. And I never had any sort of real interest in martial arts ever … until now. Cape Town is cliquey, yes, but everywhere in every city there are little pockets of people doing weird stuff, and amazing stuff, and stuff that will blow your mind. Like really blow your mind. Check this or this. And these are some of those people. It’s not just Shirfu Jeff Lan, either, but some of Kim’s throwaway comments when he’s not showing off indicate just what he is capable of, and what he aspires to. Stuff like that scares the living daylights out of me, because it’s a power that I don’t fully understand, and it also fascinates me …. Because I can see that it’s powerful, and I cannot understand it. And I want to.

Longwinded way of saying that these last few months, for whatever combination of reasons and I think there are several, I’m slowly being let into this community. And this is all the more flattering because I didn’t try to penetrate it, but it just slowly began enveloping me. That’s a metaphor right there, huh?

Yes, there’s stuff I’m not down with and that I find obnoxious. Even kung fu masters are human and have their own conceits and arrogances and fears and don’t always listen to what you are actually saying because they have their own pre-conception. But they are still kung fu masters and have a heck of a lot to teach you, if you are ready and willing to learn. I’m not about to start learning shaolin, or even sanda. The appeal is there …. It fascinates me, but I also know the amount of time such a study would take, and it doesn’t make sense for me. Right now, at least. I suspect when the time is right I will wind my way further and further into this cult as well, but that time is not now. Hey, you never know. Never say never.

What separates a great teacher and master from a good one is an ability also to learn. I feel like a small child in the presence of knowledge and skill for which I have a great respect … conscious incompetence. The inner power, the outer power, the agility with the weapons … whereas Kim hands me a sword or a spear and I know enough to know that I don’t have the foggiest idea how to use the thing. Then again, my snatch technique is going to be better than his. The look he gets in his eyes talking about daggers and hand-to-hand combat is the same look I get in my eyes when I talk about handstand pushups.

I suppose we respect what we have learned because we know what goes into it, and the same way that CrossFitters tend to look down on normal ‘civilians,’ I totally get how they can look down on CrossFit as an overly-physical, overly-aggressive, Western activity. I mean what do they see? They see me, broken and injured, foolish and impatient, … and did I mention foolish and impatient? And I’m not even a typical CrossFitter! But, they seem to like me anyway.

Susan and I were talking about comparisons, and the reason I never feel very elite is that I choose to compare myself to elite athletes. Same goes for Kim: he doesn’t feel elite because he compares himself to his dad, and I find his mental strength absolutely mind-blowing, which is a huge compliment, possibly the biggest I can give. But for his father, he sees Kim’s mental strength is still being very early on a spectrum, and I can understand that perspective too.

There are most definitely some big differences between what I am learning about Shirfu’s philosophy and the culture of the martial arts centre, and CrossFit, or rather CrossFit as I think it should be (because goodness knows every CrossFit gym is different but that’s a story for another time and if you’re in the cult you’ll know what I’m talking about). But there is also a LOT that’s in common, we just use different words to describe it. They are both highly technical, skilled activities. They both require physical and mental strength, stamina, flexibility, body awareness, being able to control your body while tired … there’s a reason why Kim and I get along so well: we have a lot that we share, and a lot that we learn from each other. And, he’s got that wisdom of his parents: yes, all human relationships essentially come down to sparring (he says, as the two of us are sparring). The ones that work are the ones where there is parity, mutual respect, and enjoyment. If you’re not having fun, stop. Remove that source of strain from your life, if you can.

I do feel like I have a responsibility to be a bit of a CrossFit evangelist. That sounds egotistical and in a way it is, but it’s also the reality of the situation. I am one of the top female athletes in Africa, in a sport that’s growing in popularity and is getting a huge injection of awareness thanks to Reebok’s marketing dollars. But there’s CrossFit and there’s CrossFit … aka there’s how it should be, and then everything else. I feel like I owe it because of what it has given me, which is a lot in terms of health, knowledge, confidence, power, friendships, even connections. I want people to understand CrossFit. You might say let the results speak for themselves, just like if you’re a master you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. But … that’s also a cop out.

I make a mistake by describing the beauty of a well-executed squat clean by using words like ‘power’ and ‘explosive.’ That’s part of it, but the reason a heavy squat clean is beautiful is speed, agility, technique. It’s not because the weights are heavy that we rejoice and find it beautiful. It’s because the weights are challenging. It’s not the force, it’s the purposeful execution of force.

I dunno. I feel like a typical CrossFitter wouldn’t see what I see with these martial artists, because you have to look past the obvious to the essence. Same way they don’t see the similarities with CrossFit because they are so focused on what they see and hear, and yes it does manifest as a loud macho weight-banging yelling shouting young Western conceit. And it does have those elements. But it also has the beauty of the perfect snatch, or learning a kipping muscle up, or how when you do reach your edge whether in training or in competition, the world disappears into a tiny pinhole and you are present. No, it doesn’t have 3,000 years of history behind it. But that moment is beautiful too.

So yeah. I want someone I like and respect to like and respect me, and part of me is CrossFit. But these things take time. On the flip side, how crazy do my CrossFit friends probably think I am, going all Chinese and martial arts on them. And, I suppose, it doesn’t actually matter. You can never control what other people think. This is part of the emotional maturity that I’m working on … I want, the ego wants people to understand and agree with my rationale for my choices. But is it actually that important? Is the cost/benefit worth it? Shirfu is wise; if I spent time I could make him understand. But I can do a lot of things …. Doesn’t mean I should. In some other cases, the person involved is not so wise and honestly trying to justify myself or explain why I have or have not done certain things … essentially get them to see things from my perspective is just a waste of breath. Of energy. Of chi. Pick your battles.

I, like Susan, like to understand how things work. Women of science, not faith. But living in Cape Town has made me slightly less of a sceptic, and more of a mystic in a way. In a way I’m ok with that. As with body awareness, the more aware I become the more I become aware that I don’t know or am not good at. An unconscious incompetence turns into a conscious incompetence. I strive not to underestimate, and to understand and accept that there is a lot that I don’t see because I’m not looking, don’t understand because I don’t have the context, can’t see because it’s hidden or too obvious, and can’t anticipate because I’m not actually Cassandra (thank God).

I try not to be dismissive. You never know who you might be talking to. I had a giggle at someone recently telling me about this trendy new thing called CrossFit. 

One last thing. Laa-Laa created a monster.

• “Good luck. It’s Marcel.” – Jaco (it was that his eyes turned into ‘you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into’ saucers that made this so amusing …. what he didn’t anticipate was that I was a CrossFitter)
• “I make time for what’s important to me.” – Ellie (ain’t THAT the truth)
• “It’s like trying to eat an incredibly dry cracker. Except it’s f*cking juicy!” – Susan
• “I’m not whining. I’m just making conversation.” – Ellie
• “You enter into the mouth of the dragon and it swallows you up.” – Amanda
• “Does anyone have any questions? Ellie?” – Kim (he’d just finished a description of sanda that was happened also to be about the most targeted marketing I can imagine)
• “The zombie apocalypse is in my hip.” – Susan
• “It’s all sparring. It’s all kung fu.” – Kim
• “I told you I’m gullible.” – Ellie
• “You realise you’re a weapon, right?” – Craig
• “Vegetables don’t have fat!!” – Susan (this was part of a larger conversation that went something like: “Vegetables don’t have fat!” “What??” “Susan!!!” “Vegetables don’t have fat!!”)
• “Don’t be dismissive. You don’t know what you’re dismissing.” – Ellie
• “Being sick is sort of like being possessed, if you think about it.” – Susan 

What to do

I’ve been struggling with conceits, and the concepts of conscious incompetence vs unconscious incompetence. The former is where you know you’re no good at something. The latter is where you either don’t know that you don’t know, or, worse, you actually think you’re good and you’re really not.

How do you break it to someone that they have an unconscious incompetence? No one likes having their blind spots pointed out. It’s like how do you point out that an idea is not actually going to work because you haven’t considered the complete context in which you’re operating? You’re only looking at a piece of the puzzle? Like going to gym every single day but continuing to eat like crap and drink all you want, and never get any sleep, then wondering why you don’t see the results you want.

Maybe it’s me but I find it so much easier to figure out the best way, or a good way, of getting somewhere once you know where you’re going. But figuring out if you’re going the right place is the million dollar question, now isn’t it?

Two generic problems I’ve talked about before: one is where you’re an entrepreneur and you design a product or service you would like and don’t bother to wonder what other people want. Classic mistake. The second is related, but is in the development space where well-meaning NGOs and social enterprises design these castles in the air to help/save the poor ‘beneficiaries’ without even bothering to find out if the ‘beneficiaries’ want to be ‘saved’ or ‘helped.’ It’s like if the foundation isn’t right you’re rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic or putting lipstick on a pig.

This stuff isn’t easy. What’s even harder is how to diagnose and fix all the possible things that could be broken: the team, the business model, the four Ps, the social impact. Would that it were simple …. But even explaining the complexity is a fun one. Some people totally get it, some other people can’t see it.

But it’s funny too; I got caught up in my own little (or not so little!) issues that I completely missed the impact I was having on some people who are very important to me. Yip, tunnel vision is hectic.

Anyway. My friend Susan arrived from Colorado on Wednesday. Second time in two years I’ve had a friend come to stay with me, who I have barely known before they arrived, who turns out to be very VERY similar to me. Laa-Laa can be quite wise! I’m not actually sure whether this is a good thing or a bad thing yet … we’re definitely having tons of fun two days in but I’m seeing how having another version of me can be quite …. Interesting. Like when we decided to do some 45kg cleans in my living room without a warmup (Susan was wearing a dress), or when despite both of us being a bit sleep deprived we stayed up talking until 12:30am. It’s like the ideal sleepover guest … another version of me! Who knows CrossFit and anatomy and food likes and dislikes. So yeah, we’re having fun. And we haven’t even started yet.

Things I learned this week? Qigong should not be done following ring dips. My foot position on squat cleans needs attention. People remember the shit you say. I’m afraid of power and situations that I don’t understand, and if you appeal to my ego but I don’t know why, I’m going to completely obsess over it.

• “No. Not here.” – Kim
• “Do you know how difficult it is to get through airport security with this many syringes?” – Susan
• “I think as much as I think he’s underestimating me, I’m underestimating him, and he’s going to completely kick my ass.” – Ellie
• “I know that sounds like I’m being smartass but you have to know what ipsilateral means.” – Susan
• “I need 100%.” – Peter
• “I hear that he’s like …. Quite possibly the best. Like a South African Jet Li or something.” – Zaheer
• “And he’s the nice one? He doesn’t look very nice!!” – Zaheer
• “That’s what happens when your end user doesn’t have any money. And is starving of hunger.” – Heinrich
• “Some people are more annoying than others.” – Susan
• “Managing and doing are hard.” – Andy 

Consistency

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit.” – attributed to Aristotle

I was talking to a friend the other day, partly by way of explaining my frustration with myself, and my situation, and my inability to live up to my own expectations and those of others. What I was saying is that when I’m fully present, I can be quite good. But when I’m overloaded, or distracted, or trying to do too many things at once, it kind of all falls apart (yep I’m human, right?). Not to mention that consistency at some things, like taking a shower every day, is easy. Consistency at other things, like being a good manager … incredibly difficult.

I am consistent at the things that are important to me. What is important to me at this exact moment? In no particular order: my interns, getting my cat’s paperwork in order, planning for Heart, taking care of my injury, the qigong practice, planning my upcoming trips, and being a good host to Susan when she’s here. Training: yes. Diet: a little bit less so. But those are almost more habits than priorities.

What’s not on the to-do list? Furniture shopping. Re-connecting with some people I’ve been neglecting (this can wait until after I return). My inbox. Hubspace. Thinking and acting defensively (wishful thinking maybe). Things that don’t involve lifting heavy weights or sprinting. Training, if I think it’s going to impact my healing.

Perhaps most important? Not being true to my own sense of what really needs to get down. It seems like every time I compromise myself by letting someone else dictate my priorities, I run into issues. Wow, what a surprise right?

You know, you can be as rational as you want but when someone hurts your feelings even if you don’t take it personally, you’re still hurt. And it’s frustrating and annoying, and your gut instinct is either to lash out or defend yourself …. But sometimes it’s like talking to a brick wall. Kind of like trying to explain how many little things which are, in and of themselves, easy, add up to a distraction, the opportunity cost of which is higher than you’d like. And the floggings will continue until morale improves.

How many times do we REALLY change our opinions of a situation or a person anyway? We go in with whatever preconceived idea we have, and we just look for evidence to support that opinion: this person’s stupid, that’s never going to work, he’s never going to change his behaviour, that’s a waste of time, it’ll never work out. You know the saying there’s an app for that? There’s a cognitive bias for that. I just can’t remember the name of it just now. Well, that’s why they’re called self-fulfilling prophecies, whether they relate to you or to others: people tend to rise or sink to the level of others’ expectations. Appearance begets reality. There’s a cognitive bias for that too, I bet.

Speaking of my interns, I love my interns. They are not just fresh faces and energy and perspectives, but also just cool people. Thomas is starting to trust his instincts and analysis more (after all of one week!), and Olivia is such a trooper. She is literally uncovering unmet, unarticulated customer needs in disadvantaged communities, on day 2 of her primary market research. After a day 1 in which her head was spinning in many directions, and I had to carefully redirect her back onto course. It was too cute; she reminded me that I warned her this would happen, that she would have frustrating days where she felt completely lost but it was normal, a part of the process, and I was there to help her see the forest for the trees. Because that’s actually what I’m best at, I think.

What’s moving along fast now is my healing psoas. I had some acupuncture and physio on my rest day last week and it felt better than it had in weeks the next day. So of course I did what any sensible person would do … I went and threw heavy weights over my head and then did a whole bunch of pullups. Which actually felt fine, in my back … what didn’t feel fine was my grip between the rowing and the kettlebell swings!! Then we went out for all you can eat sushi. Epic. Those places will definitely lose money on me, guaranteed.

I also had a nice weekend where I didn’t crack the laptop the entire weekend, which probably explains why I am so horribly behind in my emails, and stressed. Stress woke me up after 5.5 hours of sleep on Monday night and prevented me from getting back to sleep. That is highly unusual. Good news is the sleep deprivation will keep me properly resting for the next week or so at least.

Was also chatting to a friend about how my view on bad situations is now evolving. I used to be a firm believer in either accept the situation, or change it, or leave it. But actually, it’s not that simple now is it? Some situations you can’t just leave, but you’re powerless to change it, actually, and you certainly can’t accept it. These cause stress.

Anyway: happier thoughts. Saturday CF charity workout “Hope” – this was a Fight Gone Bad style workout. Five stations, one minute each station, three rounds, with one minute break in between rounds. Burpees, power snatch, box jumps, thrusters, chest to bar pullups. For the most part it was fine: my back was stiff in warmups but was fine by the time I got to the barbell although I did take it a bit easy on the thrusters. More to the point I made a tactical error in minute #2. In such a workout the secret is to keep a steady pace and not spike your heart rate. I dramatically overestimated my ability to power snatch the light barbell without resting … and spiked my heart rate. And my pullups were absolutely pathetic (hence the 'no ego' photo above .... waaah that bar looks far away!!). But actually I did about as well as I expected score-wise and I had a miserable good time. Then we went out for burgers.

Then to the martial arts studio for massage and conversation, went to Hollie’s for a drink, then to Mandy and Peter’s for dinner with Hollie, and lovely Alex and her husband. Sunday morning more massage (this one wasn’t free, sadly!), followed by Sandbar brunch, cleaned the house, and headed down to Nordhoek to have a quick hike and a longer chat with my newly found friend Amy. I love many of my old friends but sometimes you meet new people and JUST LOVE them. Amy’s one of those.

Instincts are an interesting thing. This is the subject of many books, but what gets my antennas up is a couple of things. One is when you feel like there’s an impending train crash. But I hate being Cassandra so I usually shut up.

Another is when there’s clearly more going on than meets the eye, and you don’t know why. Or you suspect, but you’re not sure. I hate uncertainty. Well, Occam’s Razor is always a good rule: the simplest explanation is probably the correct one. And that, my friends, is what makes purposeful meditation like MindScape so powerful.

Cause, effect … hard to know which is which sometimes. But the qigong opening meridians and ways of thought might be finally, FINALLY calming me down about letting my body take the time to do its healing thing. I’m now capable of taking off over half the days in a week from training and not getting upset about it. I mean hell, a day with a hectic rehab session or acupuncture isn’t exactly a “day off.” Maybe I’m finally growing up (I’m quite convinced that Kim telling me to rest is like the pot calling the kettle black BUT at least I’m not lying to him by omission any more, and hey sometimes do as I say and not as I do is valid. I’ve always hated ad hominems. Like underestimating young people. Moving on.).

Speaking of, I’m not ready to say that I prefer it to CrossFit, but the more time I spend there the more I like it, and the people. I remember the first time I walked in (to the old location). Hobbled, more like it. It was intimidating as all get-out, and I’m not easily intimidated. But now, I feel like it’s family. And there’s a place in Cape Town that I enjoy and look forward to going to as much as CrossFit. Now THAT’s saying something.

• “Ellie’s it’s never just a workout.” – Rika
• “A cupcake and a muffin can’t both be a muffin.” – Benii
• “If anything hurts, stop.” – Chris (only funny because he said it right before a workout that’s notoriously painful)
• “Shame, he is gentle.” – Bridget (for the record, this is not a shame!)
• “Is he South African?” – Amy (as though that explained everything!)
• “It all comes down to what you believe.” – Debbie
• “I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, or the worst thing I’ve ever heard.” – Jeff 

Yin & yang

How do I respond to criticism? Well, I’m usually a little bit angry, especially if the criticism is justified. What makes it even harder is if I legitimately don’t know how to fix what is being criticized OR, if while there is some truth to it, on the other side there are plenty of reasons (not rationalisations …. reasons) to justify the behaviour.

The visionary and the realist. The two need each other but will be continuously butting heads. Yin and yang.

Training and rest. To train effectively you need to be able to bring intensity. To bring intensity you need to rest. Yin and yang.

I’m finally starting to feel the power of the qigong. At first, it felt like “just” meditation, but of course with this absurdly hard element of trying to relax while in stress positions. But now, I can actually start to feel the power and energy that comes from it.

On Tuesday I spent a good hour after class talking to Derek, who has been around the centre for years and years. Interesting conversation, but at the crux of it was that yin and yang element. Apparently they always suggest people start with a physical activity like kung fu, because without having a good understanding of the physical body it’s hard to relate the mental and spiritual aspects. I watched Kim teach one of the shaolin kung fu classes this week and it is beautiful. Rather, he is beautiful (not so most of the other students). I can’t wait for when I’m properly healed; he and I have some fun plans. But they require me not to be tentative in what I can and cannot do!

I realised this week that the injury affects me more subtly than you might think. Yes there are some things I will not do at the moment because it strains the back too much. But more so than that, I was having a hell of a time getting into the right starting position for the clean with the PVC pipe … I was just inflexible. And when we were doing death by pullups and burpees, I wasn’t able to go at more than about 90-95% … because I didn’t want to risk hurting myself and I could feel that the risk was there. Thank GOODNESS we’re not going to the CrossFit Games. There, I said it. Andre was right (although his timing was a bit off … but he’s not the only one!).

Anyhow that concept of not just using physical force and force of mind but to generate force from within fascinates me. I doubt I’ll ever be bending metal pipes with my neck, but I think what they describe is sort of like going into ‘the zone’ except more so. And I’m incapable of going into the zone unless my pain level is less than, say, an 8, AND I’m doing something straightforward. Not so trying to do box jumps or handstand pushups or something.

But it’s fascinating. The more I learn, the more I want to know. It’s kind of like nutrition, movement, physiology, training. I’m excited for the formal opening of the centre next weekend (it’s been around for 20 years but just moved locations a few months back). Finding what is the appropriate balance, because there are so many hours in the day, is of course, the challenge.

At the same time, good old Western medicine is good for some stuff, definitely. Sometimes you just need the nuclear bomb approach.

My co-worker Anton asked me this week if I would ever consider doing some sort of athletic pursuit as a full-time vocation. My answer? An emphatic no. Firstly, what better way to turn a hobby into a chore or a duty? Secondly, the market here isn’t big enough. Africa is ground zero for real social enterprise, but there’s a reason Carl Paoli is in San Francisco; one we discussed at length. If your career involves being a thought leader or innovator, you need to be where the action is.

So I turn now to the proper choice of how to spend my time. The challenge this year has been shifting goal posts, and trying to figure out the most productive use of my time. Long story short, I’ve failed pretty miserably.

Failing to plan is planning to fail. So, it’s time to dial back the activity and the unstructured trying to help, and letting my inbox become my to-do list, and back up about 30 paces. My timing, of course, couldn’t be worse, with the descent of several new interns (two started this week and they are both amazing and doing awesome work already!), but there are more to come, and people don’t manage themselves, especially when what they are doing varies so dramatically.

Had quite an interesting visit out to Mama Rosie this week. There had been protests the day before. Unlike protests in, say, New York, or even in Cape Town outside of Parliament, protests in Philippi involve violence. Burning of tyres, tearing down of traffic lights … goodness knows what all else. It’s so easy to forget, when caught up in the details of day to day life. We really are killing all the fish on the planet. And there will probably be wars over water in our lifetime. And yet we do what we always do. We go to the grocery store and buy fish, go home and watch TV, maybe go out with friends and get drunk. It’s easier to hide from reality than face it straight on.

There are a couple generic ways to fail. Don’t know where you’re going. Going the wrong place. Not knowing how you’re going to get there. Failing to move at all. Time to move the needle.

• “Ellie, why are you so fat?” – Mama Rosie
• “More needles!” – Kim
• “If you just talk, talk, talk all the time but never do anything it’s not very useful is it?” – Derek
• “These young people nowadays, they don’t know how to train!” – Shirfu
• “I’ve heard it’s worse than childbirth.” – Bryony
• “Well it’s a one-way ticket in that I don’t have a return flight.” – Charlie
• “I’m not jaded. I’m realistic.” – Ellie
• “Charismatic people can be dangerous.” – Ellie