The four minute mile

No, not my mile time. I’d be happy to run one sub-60 second 400m, let alone four!

I’m sure many of you, dear readers, know the story of Roger Bannister and the four minute mile. It was like this magical barrier that no one could break through, until Bannister did it and then several others followed almost immediately in his footsteps.

“The only pace is a suicide pace and today is a great day to die.” – Steve Prefontaine

I used to be a track athlete so I know the story of these greats, including Pre, so it was interesting to see a quote from him up on the box in Vermont where I trained. It was kind of a seminal workout for me in a way, where we were doing heavy back squats and I’d just set a massive PR, the sort of leap that you don’t typically see outside of your early days of training, and all of a sudden I’m now squatting a weight that had been my max-for-day at CCF about a month ago for reps. Six, to be exact. That’s no small thing.

Yeah the weight was heavy, but it felt a lot lighter than it had a month ago. Why? It sure as hell wasn’t that I am a lot stronger than a month ago. But something had gone different in my brain. It’s like Derek said: it’s the brain that fails the body first. Hitting a massive new back squat PR was like a mini version of breaking the 4 minute mile; once I’d done that weights that used to scare me no longer did.

I experienced the same thing with the dumbbell snatch last year: once I’d done it at the Virgin Active (with one arm, at least) I knew I could do it in competition. Knew I guess means figured, because you never actually know. One of the girls in the gym posted that she climbed her first rope this week … then climbed it in the workout another fifteen times or something. You can’t climb a rope until you can, and you can’t do muscle ups until you can and you can’t walk on your hands until you can.

Fresh with my new resolve not to let my mind fail my body [too often] we did a workout that started off with Tabata pullups (20 seconds on 10 seconds off for 8 rounds). I got 9 in the first 20 seconds, kipping. Then after the workout the guy who runs the gym was training so I did a few Tabata rounds with him in solidarity, this time doing butterfly kipping pullups, a move where I struggle to find a rhythm. First time I’d tried it in weeks; cranked out 8 with no problem to start with. So we’ll see what other mental barriers I can demolish this year.

The choices have already also begun. While traveling it’s hard if not impossible to stick to the strictest diet, so I will eat fruit and if the occasional scrap of cheese or sugar in a sauce makes it past my lips it’s not the end of the world. And there may be the occasional Progenix shake consumed if I don’t have a proper protein shake available. But competition season is here. Rice, wine, cheese, and cheesecake are not on the menu.

I arrived in Vermont insanely late as you may remember. I am actually not sure I can recall the last time I was that exhausted. I was so tired in JFK, I kid you not, that coffee was having no effect. I was literally delirious with fatigue, and I actually went to the bar to drink just to stay awake. It actually worked. But the next day I was like the walking dead. Crazy and not in a good way. I was recovered by Wednesday, finally, and not a minute too soon.

Staying with my parents was lovely as always, although there was exciting drama in the form of the heating oil running out because the company that was meant to automatically refill it had changed management and stuffed up the delivery. Oops. If that was meant to be a message from the universe, message received.

There was also a lot of snow. Last winter apparently was quite light in the snowfall department. Not so this winter. I wasn’t complaining because it was lovely. Well, ok, actually when I first picked up the rental car and had to remember how to drive on the right AND drive in slush I wasn’t too happy about it. By Thursday morning when I set out for Boston by way of Shelburne to visit J, who I had been accidentally avoiding all week due to my state of general exhaustion I was complaining not about the snow but about the cold because it had reached a state where my mother refused to let me go outside in just a fleece.

When I felt the outside I understood why. It was -11F/-24C. That is cold. It was so cold that despite the gloves I was afraid that I might be getting frostbite on my fingers and I was wondering how on earth I was ever going to clean a barbell again.

It’s funny now that it’s over.

I made excellent time to Boston; I think I may have been trying to out-race my own demons in my head on this mini road trip. Back to Wi-Fi at my lunch meeting. Exciting stuff. No, I’m not being facetious. I really am excited for what the future holds now that my enforced rest period is coming to an end.

As I write this I am about to get back to my strategic planning, and I’m on a jet plane to Seattle. Should be a fun trip. I’m having fun right now, because I’m flying first class. No, I didn’t suddenly come into money but it cost fewer frequent flyer miles to go first class from BOS to SEA than to fly coach from Vermont. And I got a free lunch at Legal Seafoods into the bargain. Although parking was $35 so it’s not all fun & games.

But on a more serious note, flying first class is awesome! Once you get past the surly check in agent, you get your own security line, you get to board first, there is actually enough room for your stuff, and the best part? There is a flight attendant who comes around on regular basis to ask if you need anything. I may actually get off this plane without being massively dehydrated! Oh, and they feed you. On a domestic flight. Never you mind that I can’t eat half the food.

That’s by choice. A million little choices.

• “We’re not fighting. He’s letting me have what I want.” – Ellie
• “Of course you are. Aren’t we all?” – Mom
• “Don’t whimper. It’s not festive.” – Laurel
• “I’d rather do heavy thrusters than light thrusters.” – Dani
• “Do you need another rum?” – flight attendant (I was amused at the use of the word need in this context)

Reflections on 2012

Talk is cheap. Getting around to the important things is hard.

It’s a hectic thing to live up to your potential. I was just telling my brother that he possesses a rare skill which is to have an intuitively good sense of what is a good approach, or the right approach. But for him and me, knowing what to do is actually the easy part. It’s doing it, or working with others to make such things happen, that’s hard.

Well, I learned a lot about myself last year, and I expect this coming year is going to be similarly interesting and challenging, if not more so. I’m excited and terrified at the same time.

One of the conversations I had on my Reebok ad shoot that stuck with me is how I was chatting to one of the actors who was saying just how exhausting his job is. When the cameras roll, it doesn’t matter how tired you are or what else is going on but you need to perform in that moment in the way that the producer wants. I told him I’m quite familiar with that, between maybe being exhausted and showing up to CrossFit and flipping the switch anyway, to my job where again I may be exhausted or maybe I have to deal with an irate customer or a high-stakes business meeting or even just things that are annoying me that I’d rather postpone …. But you just find a way when in those situations to perform at your best. Most of the time, at least.

And I honestly believed myself when I said I thought this was hard. But then he one-upped me and he said you know what? It’s easy to get excited about your own life. Imagine trying to get into the character of some random person, in a way that reflects someone else’s vision. Not so damned easy.

Well, so, I can look back over the last year with hindsight. I had fun compiling my top photos of the year, a project I started in 2010. I noticed something in the photos that I selected: when I’m really in the moment, I’m not taking photos. Some of the most memorable times of this year didn’t make the photos. But there were the various CrossFit competitions, the beauty of Cape Town, San Francisco, and Vermont, the great South African roadtrip with Susan, and the … experience …. that was the time on the road with Tailgate32.

There is some similarity in architecture between Colorado frontier towns and Bristol, Vermont. I like to take photos of flowers and animals (and clouds and sunsets), and I am pretty sure I took more photos of Dustin (the camera man) than anyone or anything else while on the road with Tailgate32.

Looks like many of my raw CrossFit numbers improved by 5-20% in the last year. Many others stagnated or may have even gotten worse, as I struggled with a bad injury that left me unable to kip, or jump, or do any sort of violent movement of my core.

I made a pretty dramatic job change, and, so far so good. I have definitely met some very interesting people as a result of this. I’m a believer in a way that I wasn’t sure I would be when I set out. I guess that’s only a good thing.

There are some changes I have identified that I need to make. As I’ve said, never a fan of New Years resolutions. But this is a good time of year to reflect and set goals.  

Since I’ve started this blog I’ve written down a review quarter-by-quarter, but this year that didn’t seem right. This year actually had three phases to it:

1. The CrossFit Games season
2. The injury …. And the drift
3. Skyrove

The CrossFit Games season

In which I started off on a detox diet, felt really awesome, slept 8+ hours a night, didn’t drink a drop of alcohol for five months, and poured my entire heart into a competition only to realise that my best wasn’t good enough. You can’t be the only hero in a team of six. But hey at least I managed to snatch that 32kg dumbbell enough times to keep us in the competition so in a way, this was a big win because I realised that there’s a lot I could do if I just set my mind to it.

• The good? The control, the improvements in performance, and how I felt physically.
• The bad? Losing. The body image issues I developed (yes, the leaner I am the more issues I get, paradoxically). The resentment I developed after the loss, as a result of mis-aligned expectations from the start. The smug moral superiority trap I started to fall into.
• The ugly? The injury. And competing with the injury (not very smart). Threatening to punch Paul (while stone cold sober). Not very nice of me. It’s not life or death, and your competitors aren’t the enemy; they are just the competition.

The injury …. And the drift

I was really, REALLY badly injured. I am not at all sure why I kept training, when simple things like twisting my body and touching my toes caused pain. I guess I thought I could heal faster than I did, and I realised I needed the distraction from what was happening (or not happening) at work. It was at around this time that I learned that I’m far too much of a control freak to be a consultant, and that there needed to be more enterprise in the social enterprises I was working with. Social impact is the raison d’etre of course, but without sufficient startup capital and a business focus first, we were stuck in an opportunistic cycle of mediocrity. So when I was approached again in June to leave Heart, this time I listened.

• The good? Taking up qigong. Learning how to listen to my body better. Learning how to focus on form while fatigued (a work in progress but I’m immensely better than I was a year ago). Finding some kick-ass therapists and figuring out how to use them.
• The bad? F*ck, I was injured. I couldn’t practice the half of my goats. I had to watch the CrossFit Games. But then again I couldn’t have competed anyway, it was hard enough to deadlift 60kg weights let alone try and clean & jerk them. I had finally reached the end of my rope with a place where I’d poured in my heart & soul, only to come up a bit short on results and nothing but nothing upsets me more than coming up short where it counts.
• The ugly? That I was dumb enough to train through an injury like this. I should really be smarter than that, and I really kind of thought I was.

Skyrove

My first executive gig. My return to tech. A chance to apply what I’d learned about management, entrepreneurship, and doing business in South Africa. More interestingly, a chance to apply my networking skills to sales and business development. Also, to get used to being in charge. It’s one thing to be a great individual contributor when someone else runs the show, because you can always bitch and moan behind their back. It’s a different thing when you sit in that chair. Also, an extended return to the States, meeting some very cool Wi-Fi industry execs & thought, and what is surely a once-in-a-lifetime experience with Tailgate32. I actually still cannot believe that I got to do that, or that it was as all-encompassing as it was. The circus.

• The good? A chance to take something great and make it even more great, and start to walk the path I’d always sort of known I’d walk. Tailgate32. Minneapolis (we’ll always have the Mall of America field!). The Broncos game. Wi-Fi boys. Really starting to love the USA again. Being in the country (ok, at the Cisco after party!) for Obama’s re-election. Regaining my love for what I’m really good at.
• The bad? Workaholism redux. Not knowing my own limits. Ego. One too many martinis (ok maybe like 7 too many!).
• The ugly? Stress, stress eating, not sleeping enough. Knowingly and wilfully causing myself emotional strain and heartache.

What’s the main lesson of 2012 for me? Well, check the last blog post. I’ve discovered that I thrive on structure & positivity.

I’ve also come to realise that almost everything is in the head. This is what world-class athletes say, at least, and I suppose they would know. I will do what I set my mind to, because I know I can.

And this is only the beginning. Or, at least, it’s as far as I’ve gotten so far in the story of my life.

Of course, it wouldn't be as much fun without 2012 in quotes:

• “People are just completely lazy asses. Except for some people.” – Jobst
• “If you want to be a champion, you must eat, sleep, and act like a champion.” – Mona
• “It looks like a concentration camp for vegetables, if you must know.” – Peter
• “Unfortunately for everyone involved, including me. Oh, wait, I guess I’m the only one involved.” – Ellie
• “You guys, I seriously can’t remember the last time I had a beer.” “I can. It was two hours ago.” “Do you want a beer?” – Ellie, Joe, and Jon Jon
• “It’s crazy to think that a good idea is not enough.” – Anton
• “I’ve met a lot of people who I think are thinking about this space entirely wrong. You’re not one of them.” – Richard
• “He was quite blown away by you.” – Peter
• “Don’t give people too many chances.” – Henk
• “Whining won’t stop it.” – Chris
• “If you think about your hand, it’s going to hurt. Don’t think about your hand.” – overheard at the martial arts training centre
• “Can I be a girl in this workout?” – Andrew
• “If never lifted anything.” – Chris
• “If you TRY for hero, your ego will fuck you over every time.” – Kerry
• “It’s when you start to attach labels to it that you run into problems. When someone calls you ‘elite’ either you get a big head or you think about it for a second and realise you’re not so damn elite.” – Ellie
• “Some people are just priceless!” – Jeff
• “You’re not really going to go to gym, are you?” – Jeremy
• “It’s my true wish that no one would refer to me as ‘crazy psycho Anton.’” – Anton
• “He’s coloured. Does that count? Does coloured count as black?” – Ellie (gotta love the things BEE makes you say!)
• “Today is Thursday? What's tomorrow?” – Zaheer
• “I’m not humble. I’m realistic.” – Ellie
• “I’m not jaded. I’m realistic.” – Ellie
• “Charismatic people can be dangerous.” – Ellie
• “I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, or the worst thing I’ve ever heard.” – Jeff
• “And he’s the nice one? He doesn’t look very nice!!” – Zaheer
• “I’m not whining. I’m just making conversation.” – Ellie
• “You enter into the mouth of the dragon and it swallows you up.” – Amanda
• “The zombie apocalypse is in my hip.” – Susan
• “It’s all sparring. It’s all kung fu.” – Kim
• “Vegetables don’t have fat!!” – Susan (this was part of a larger conversation that went something like: “Vegetables don’t have fat!” “What??” “Susan!!!” “Vegetables don’t have fat!!”)
• “Don’t be dismissive. You don’t know what you’re dismissing.” – Ellie
• “It’s Laa-Laa. What’s the worst that could happen?” – Ellie
• “You were already part of the family. You just didn’t know it yet.” – Susan
• “F*ck this workout.” – Norman
• “It’s the mind that fails the body first.” – Derek
• “If you compete, you must go either to win, or to have fun.” – Kim
• “You do have a knack for meeting the right people.” – J
• “I think what this country lacks is perspective.” – J
• “But … rationality wins.” – J
• “You might be able to fit a square peg into a round hole. But you’re probably going to damage the peg.” – Craig
• “It’s not something you form an emotional attachment to. Like a dog. Or a child.” – Michael
• “Do all your stories involve a bottle of wine, Ellie?” – Rob
• “She can hold her own.” – Laa-Laa
• “It’s too small to contain you.” – Richard
• “Don’t question it. Just crush it.” – Richard
• “I’ve learned that the better you are, the more humble you must be.” – Jean
• “That’s my kung fu stance.” – Kim  
• “Just … don’t let it affect your CrossFit too much.” – Susan
• “Rationality always wins.” – Jaco
• “Pretty sure he’s going to ask you to show him that walk on water thing.” – Steve 
• “Master the technique, and speed will come.” – Shirfu
• “A broken product is worse than broken sales, because you might not be able to fix your broken product. ” – Ellie
• “How’s that going to be for you? You’re working for the man now. I mean … you *are* the man. But you’re still working for the man.” – Doug
• “Welcome to the family, Madame CEO.” – Justin
• “80% of them fail that test.” – Keet
• “When you take a really big bite, and you don’t think you might choke, you’re probably not paying attention.” – Amy
• “There’s nowhere to hide.” – Amy
• “I think I’m going to throw up.” “Happy birthday, Ellie!” – Ellie & Coach Chris
• “Well, you ARE a girl.” – Mike
• “I didn’t invite anyone.” – Jaco
• “I basically talk in awesome quotes, so it's hard to write down all my eloquent speeches.” – Roland
• “300% margin is better than a kick in the teeth.” – Laurie
• “That was the second thing. Hey happy Monday! The third thing ….” – Michael
• “No, you have THAT face.” – Michelle
• “I’ve managed to get a picture of a warthog into a written submission to the Department of Communications.” – Dominic
• “This is the industry of which you’re now a part.” – Edge
• “If you bite too hard you’re not going to be a good team player.” – Rich
• “You look tired.” – Kim
• “By now you know what I mean when I say easy.” – Ellie
• “I think you two are going to get on like a house on fire.” “That doesn’t sound good!” “I know. But it is.” – Doug & Ellie
• “You can’t exactly make a thruster easy.” – JP
• “There’s no value in free Wi-Fi if it’s awful.” – Dave
• “This is a 27dinner, not a counselling session.” – Jess
• “Schools are the worst designed games in existence.” – Danny
• “Here is where we step firmly out of the realm of the scientific.” – Byron
• “Forget like an oligopoly. It is an oligopoly!” – Ellie
• “There’s always an angle.” – Jon
• “The dog’s not stressed. Why are you stressed?” – Shirfu
• “Being a CEO isn’t a small thing.” – Riaan
• “I’ve just had a bottle of wine and you’re telling me to watch my language?” – Roger
• “Any one of my fucking chickens would make a better President than Mitt Romney.” – Matt
• “Can I just call bullshit on you, though?” – Cathleen
• “I knew I liked you!” – Vinny (the enemy of my enemy is …)
• “It helps to get obsessive.” – Michael
• “You’re saying the company is the product?” – Michael
• “You were so confident that I thought – ‘how could I possibly be right about this?’” – Cathleen
• “I look at that thing and it just makes me feel defeated.” – Aidan
• “You’re not wrong.” – Matt
• “Everyone talks about how much they hate Oklahoma but I now fucking love Oklahoma!” – Dustin
• “I almost started an electrical fire at the Mercury Lounge.” – Mike
• “That’s not an accent. I’m just drinking.” – Aidan
• “Sugar’s not a drug. It’s a way of life.” – Dustin
• “This is awesome! I haven’t been to a truck stop in years!” “You were at one a few hours ago.” – Ellie & John
• “Well, have to is a pretty strong word.” “As far as I can tell, you’re not even able to right now.” – Matt & John
• “It’s called Stockholm syndrome.” – Mike
• “Can we keep her?” – John
• “Why are you wearing that?” “….Because I have to.” – Ellie & Aidan
• “That wasn’t me. Oh wait, that was me.” – Ellie
• “Yeah but you don’t count [as a girl].” – Dustin
• “You’re running?!!?!” – Mike
• “I’m not that drunk. Oh, wait, I am.” – Ellie
• “Good luck staying sober.” – Henk
• “I see now why they’re called Ruckus.” – Ellie
• “Some …. Handle noisy environments better than others.” – Andy
• “Maybe they don’t have one.” – Steven
• “Two months? How is it that you’re sitting at this table, then?” – Nigel
• “I don’t think he was expecting Romney to lie quite that much.” – Cyrus
• “The question is not are you upset, it’s are you surprised.” – Michael
• “Even though you’re obsessed with shoes you’re not a chick so it’s ok.” – Rob
• “In case you haven't noticed I have a bit of a type A personality.” “In case you haven't noticed I have a bit of a type A personality.” – Rob & Ellie
• “You’ve learned a lot, hey.” “I learned this yesterday.” – Anton & Ellie
• “But I can’t tell them that!” “I know, but I can tell you that.” – Ellie & Riaan
• “Attraction is part of leverage.” – Laurie
• “I’m afraid that in general what you’ve all signed up for is a hard thing to pull off.” – Justin
• “Cisco can’t think of Meraki as their nemesis.” – Adel
• “A lot of the stupidity in Africa actually has a lot of thought behind it.” – Simon
• “I didn’t say it was too heavy for me! I said it was heavy!” – Ellie
• “It’s funny what we define as fun. Most normal people would look at you and say ‘You’re crazy!’” – Ryan 

Waging war

Glass half empty or glass half full?

When I was in college (before I dropped out, ha!) there was a friend of ours. No need to name names, because it’s not really important. But the thing that made him memorable, more so than all the other friends to have come and gone over the years is that he was extremely negative. And how!!

It didn’t seem to matter the subject. The football team lost, and they were all a bunch of losers. You did well on your math test? Well good thing, it’ll bring up your average from that disastrous Spanish exam. You lost weight? Wait until after the weekend. New boyfriend? We’ll see how long that lasts. Actually, it was poisonous. It was mostly notable for just how bad it was, in retrospect.

I mean, look: we can all be positive at times and negative at times, right? We’re human, we’re well-balanced (some more than others). I have always thought that I’m a realist … sure I can be cynical as hell, but not for no reason. Doug says I’m the epitome of enthusiastic, and this is why I’ll be successful. Hell if I know.

What I have discovered these last few weeks is that I’m a lot more negative than I would wish to be. Whether it’s a customer, a vendor, a political situation, an unfair criticism, or even someone else I feel is being too negative, I bitch. And moan. OK maybe it’s not quite that bad but I sure as heck do make my disdain known. And you know what? I don’t really dig that about myself. I would much rather be the one who says nothing rather than say something not nice … unless it’s REALLY justified.

So. With this new awareness, I’m going to do the only thing one can in the circumstance, which is to do my very best to wage war on my own negativity. Which, come to think of it, is going to have to translate to other areas of my life as well. I tell you, I was feeling pretty down on myself Friday when I couldn’t squat snatch to save my life and then, to add insult to injury, I did a prowler push/at ox jump/ring row workout that I recall kicking my ass last July at CrossFit Diablo. Well, it did so again. So much so that after my first prowler push I went to jump on the box, landed, and my legs collapsed. I am not at all sure how it is that I didn’t hurt myself badly.

Speaking of injury, one of the guys from our gym was nearly paralysed this week while body surfing. And if that’s not terrifying I don’t know what is. He’s recovering well but it’s horrible … last time I saw him we were doing a workout right next to each other. Reminds me of that poet soul Malcolm Hart … saw him at a Thai restaurant in Berkeley, said I’d call him, two weeks later he was dead and I was inconsolable. Just goes to show … be careful what you take for granted.

There is so much beauty and gentleness in this world to go alongside all the ugly and hate and prejudice. I know what side of that I want to come down on.

So then Saturday, my last training day of 2012, I was planning to go to the Cape CrossFit beach workout. But I woke up, looked at the workout and decided I didn’t feel like doing it (and that it might hurt my back), so I slept in, had a beautiful brunch with Sam, went home and packed, and went to the Virgin Active to lift some heavy weights and do another crazy workout …. Overhead squats, bear crawls, kettlebell snatches, bar-facing burpees … but before that I decided to lift some weights, starting with 1 rep max back squat, which is something I hadn’t tested in a while due to back injury, mainly.

Well, I hit a solid PR at 108kgs and it felt really, REALLY easy. Then I kind of lost my head space by chatting to the guys next to me, but I feel like I had another 5kgs in me. Next time.

So, the last two work days of 2012 were pretty quiet, as happens. I had a somewhat depressing lunch on Thursday followed by an ass-kicking of a workout that night, followed by a conference call with one of my favourite Wi-Fi boys, which made me really excited again. It’s amazing what outlook and enthusiasm will do.

As I wrap up 2012 and look forward to 2013, it’s that old time when we look at the old and ring in the new, but I’ve always said I hate New Years resolutions. I think they are stupid because you always break them and set yourself up to fail. So I don’t make resolutions I don’t plan on keeping, but what I will say is that my new focus on combatting my tendencies towards negativity and bitching and moaning is something that has already started and that I will do my best to continue in the new year.

Not that I won’t still bitch. I sure as heck will. Some people and some situations require it. I’ll just do so more consciously.

As I finish writing this post I’ve arrived back to my parents’ house in Vermont. Due to my trans-Atlantic flight being 45 minutes late I missed my connecting flight at 5:30pm and the next flight was meant to be 10:45 but wound up leaving some time around 1:30am. I’m not even sure. I was delirious with fatigue. I was literally drinking to stay awake, but I met some cool people, including a Brittany Murphy look-alike who wanted to swap her New Orleans ticket for my Burlington ticket (I did think about it).

You only live once.

• “It started at a bar.” “Doesn’t everything?” – Rudolph & Ellie
• “I’m done playing in the kiddie pool.” – Jalal
• “I can only imagine your frustration with forced inactivity.” – Steven
• “Nine months is just not acceptable.” – Zach
• “You do realise what you’ve built is their wet dream, right?” – Ellie
• “Wait, so you’re saying they didn’t trust you because you weren’t dodgy enough?” – Tim
• “I don’t care about Cisco. But you can’t make fun of Rocky!” – Roland
• “Who the devil is Meraki?” – Roland
• “Geez, what are we going to do then?” – Tim
• “It’s funny what we define as fun. Most normal people would look at you and say ‘You’re crazy!’” – Ryan
• “Well, maybe you shouldn’t be reading the rule book.” – Hes
• “That’s more than you squatted hey.” – Pieter
• “Of course it matters.” – Pieter
• “That looks fake!” “No, dude, it’s Carl Paoli!” “But it looks fake!” “No, dude, it’s Carl Paoli!” – Ellie & Chad

The more things change, the more they stay the same

“All people dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their mind, wake in the morning to find that it was vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous people, for they dream their dreams with open eyes, and make them come true.” – D.H. Lawrence

I have been feeling like a really lousy friend recently. I can actually count on one hand the friends I’ve spent time with before the holiday break, and actually I’m pretty sure almost all of them were post-gym playdates. I trained at Ballistix then hung with Hes & Ryan. I trained at West Workout and then had lunch with Liezl & Michelle. I met Tammy for a beach workout. I hurried over to the Shrimptons’ after gym only to have what I thought would be a ‘quick’ Skype call turn into a 45 minute conversation. The only time I can remember really stopping to smell the roses was when I was playing Cape Town hostess to a Wi-Fi boy who’s from Betty’s Bay but now lives in Joburg … and even that had to come after my gym time was done.

I think it might be the time of year. Firstly, I used to love Christmas when I was a kid. It was my absolute favourite holiday, and by orders of magnitude. Between the vulgar materialism that I despise and a couple of bad personal experiences around the holidays, I no longer love Christmas. Not that I hate it, but I just don’t go nuts for it the way other people do. So when my friend Sam suggested that we skip the normal Christmas routine and rather bake and deliver charity cupcakes, I thought that sounded like an amazing idea.

This is also the time of year when it gets hot and my body just wants to be healthy. It’s what makes the competition season diet, training, and sleep regimen a pleasure and not a chore. But I recall very distinctly last year going into hermit mode. This year I am paid, in part, to be charming, so I can’t just retreat to my own thoughts.

Cape Town summer where everything is so bright that it looks faded, where for me history seems to come alive and I can imagine what this place was like in Colonial times. It’s like Cape Town was meant to be hot, so hot that you just want to sit in a shaded corner with your typewriter. I’m no James Michener, but this place has that sort of romanticism about it. It’s times like these I can imagine being here 100 years ago, or in another English colony, perhaps somewhere in Asia. I was musing if perhaps my boarding school days led me to have a greater affiliation or association with the trappings of Colonialism than I would have otherwise. Even the new money in Cape Town has an old money feel to it, in a way that it doesn’t in, say, San Francisco.

My northern European blood doesn’t like this hot weather much. I don’t like extremes of either sort, but man, this gets to me. Getting burned by sitting in the shade doesn’t help.

I actually took off most of the holiday weekend, and spent time with friends. Not enough of them, and not enough time, and I think it actually took me about three days to recover from Friday’s workout. Note to self …. Sleep and eat better before deciding to pretend you’re indestructible. I did something I’d planned for a loooong time which was to go visit my friend Jo, who has this amazing place in Scarborough, for a mini-vacation.

And it was. Firstly, Jo is lovely. Smart, thoughtful, gentle, kind, and conscientious. I was apparently really run down, probably if I’d gone too much longer at my current pace I would have gotten sick, and she did a great job of taking care of me: cooking, letting me be chill, and also taking some photos of me because I will be needing such things soon. She also has some very cool friends, who I got to know a little bit better between a Saturday night braai and a Sunday brunch in Kalk Bay.

I also saw my friend Keith who I hadn’t seen in faaaaaaaar too long. As I said, crappy friend. But hey better late than never. As it happens he is now staying at a house in City Bowl that is not far off of my dream house. Gorgeous views, not at all too large, and very Cape Town. Maybe some day I can afford to buy a house like that.

The weather was a bit funny over the weekend. A weather front moved in Sunday, and that night may have been literally been the perfect weather for sitting outside under a nearly full moon, looking down on the city. The air was a little bit warm, but cool with the breeze. Around 1am an electrical storm came up, and those are rare around here. Then it rained, and made the entire place smell clean and fresh, but you also know it’s transitory, like a dream, and when the next day comes the sun is going to burn everything up.

Christmas Day dawned foggy, and Keith and I went to the beach (as one does, on Christmas). I, of course, thought I’d sunscreened my entire back but turns out I missed a massive patch. Fail.

So one of the themes that has come up quite a bit in recent days is money. Cape Town, and South Africa, is a great place to live … if you have money. No car, no job, no money for food, well, that’s another matter. I was having a fascinating time at Jo’s braai listening to three different South Africans talking about topics I’d thought about: poverty, privilege, politics, race, apartheid, dependency, motivation, hope. One is currently an expat in Nairobi, one does town planning in various African countries, and one has recently returned from living overseas in London.

I think in a way I have a very unusual relationship to money because I was in the right place at the right time and through that got enough that I could afford to do nutty things like move to Cape Town and volunteer for an extended period. But now the capitalist in me is back, and I hear myself talk sometimes and I sound cynical, even, or jaded. And Africa terrifies me, because I’ve been in SA long enough that I generally know how things work here. Sometimes there’s a surprise. But it’s not Nigeria or Tanzania.

And then there’s that Christmas cupcake bonanza. Firstly, what a sort of lovely person is Sam even to think of such a thing, and specifically to think about the places we could go that wouldn’t already have an excess of holiday donations. Instead of the Red Cross Children’s Hospital we went to an old age home and to a public hospital.

Hospitals are sad, sad places actually. We made some people happy, certainly. I am not sure how much of the details of such a thing I will remember but there was this young boy on a tricycle peddling around the pediatric ward. When we tried to give him a cupcake he kept running away, and he certainly wouldn’t speak. But, like a scared cat or something, when I was kneeling down talking to someone else he came closer, and closer. I held out the tray but I could see he was too scared to take one, so I picked one out and handed it to him, and he nearly snatched it out of my hand before retreating a few feet from us to eat it in safety.

Yes, they may be poison, but we all need a little poison every once in a while. Red velvet cupcakes are more of a devil’s food than chocolate anyway. I even poisoned myself a little bit. Always good to remember why it is I don’t eat wheat.

But you know, it is sad. This poverty here is so in-your-face, and you can’t just snap your fingers and do anything about it. The world was supposed to end over the weekend. For better or worse, we’re still here, and having to reconcile the ennui of worrying about self-actualisation while other people are worrying about putting food on the table.

But you know what? I learned my lesson the hard way. I’m not going to bankrupt myself or make sacrifices that cause me to become resentful just to make the world a better place. I may not know what the future holds but this is an area where Ed Boudrot, a mentor of mine, was very right: rather than complain about how things suck and you’re disempowered, fix the situation, reframe it, or leave it. There’s more of Robin Keller to my personality than I once thought … we’ll see what happens to me next. But I’m not thinking about what’s happening next any more than you can think about anything else other than the workout you’re doing when you get into a competition.

Yep, I’m getting pretty excited to get back into beast mode. Maybe you can tell.

I keep looking at these photos of myself that Jo took. Partly it’s because at this time of year I always go through all my photos from the year so as to make a ‘best of’ album. But also because it’s strange to see myself like that and especially to notice how asymmetrical my face actually is! Do I really look that way? Oh well, asymmetric face asymmetric body ….

My body gave me a hell of a fright when I was utterly, utterly convinced I’d pulled my groin on Sunday. This is an injury I was familiar with from St Paul’s, and some injuries you just don’t forget. If you’ve never experienced this particular thing you won’t understand … it’s like an ankle sprain or a coccyx injury, if you’ve had it you can commiserate with others, but I can’t really identify with people who have or have had shoulder or neck injuries because I’ve never had the displeasure. In any event I was sure that I’d be out for six weeks and was already planning my regimen of strict pullups, ring dips, etc., but by the next morning I was almost totally fine. Fine enough to do a workout with 55 light squat cleans. Oddly enough what hurt wasn’t my groin and wasn’t my healing injury but the other side of my back completely, so I took the deadlifts and squat cleans slowly so as not to hurt myself. Still, had a much easier time with 2/3 bodyweight bench press this year than I did last year!

Amazing. Well, maybe it’s the time of year or whatnot but I’m getting a bit impatient. I’m usually happy to talk. But right now I don’t want to talk. I just want to get on with it. I don’t want to explain CrossFit to newbies or people who may have an incorrect impression about it. I just want to train, and compete, and get on with it (injury-free please).

I’m also VERY much missing consistent training at my home gym. Thank goodness the holidays are ending soon and we can get back to what I used to think of as a ‘normal’ schedule. Except, wishful thinking what with a USA trip coming up in a few days and then a Joburg trip shortly after I return, and a competition a week and a half after that. Well, maybe lack of routine is the new normal. Whatever it is, I’ll adapt to it. But I sure as heck do miss being able to train at my gym.

In a world where it suddenly seems like everyone wants a piece of me, I’m looking forward to slotting into my team and doing my bit as best I can.

Same with work. Enough talking about doing, time to do. The calm before the storm is about over, I’d say.

• “No wonder you needed a Snickers.” – Jo
• “A lot of the stupidity in Africa actually has a lot of thought behind it.” – Simon
• “I’d better not see you doing overhead press in jeans!” – Howard
• “At least you know what you’re training for.” – Jobst
• “I didn’t say it was too heavy for me! I said it was heavy!” – Ellie
• “I think if we bake any more today we’re going to ruin Christmas!” – Sam
• “He has a reputation for being … difficult.” – Kerry
• “It’s because you fit in well with the guys.” – Kerry
• “I mean, I’m not actually sleeping with the enemy. But it’s close enough, right?” – Ellie

Turning the ship

So I’m basically three months into my new job, five weeks in the middle of which I was out of the country. The first month I didn’t really know what was going on. The second month I thought I did but I was wrong, and I kept figuring that out week by week. By the third month, I’m now feeling like I’ve picked up enough of what’s going on that it’s time to start making some decisions. I’m sure a year from now I’ll look back on my foolish self of now … but you can’t wait until you’re actually good to start taking action.

The ship is slowly turning.

Some things are easy but just take time. Some things are very important but require careful analysis lest you make a mis-step. Some other things are more politically sensitive than anything, because they may have been done a certain way for a long time and humans are not computers.

But you know what? I love my team. I’m figuring out how to work with them to get things done, at about the same rate that we’re all, collectively, figuring out what needs to be done, and prioritising it. This week was cross-functional team meeting kickoff week, in between some external meetings.

One of the things that Doug said to me a few weeks back was that he thought it was clear I was a good strategist, and we would soon see how much of a decision-maker I am. I remember getting a bit defensive at this, probably because I was a bit concerned that I wouldn’t be as decisive in this new role as I perhaps had been in previous lives.

Well, there are still some negotiations that I haven’t done before where I’ll want help, but I’m definitely starting to hit my stride. I think the guys were actually just waiting for some direction and, on the one side, high expectations and on the other having someone to stick up for them. I did one thing this week that I thought was going to be a lot more controversial than it was. I also got a verbal yes on two deals: both hopefully the beginning of some good partnerships. I never put too much weight on verbal commitments: money talks, especially here. But still, it’s encouraging.

You know what, I’m pretty simple. Ask me what I think and I’ll tell you. I am reasonable and try to be fair. I’ll admit when I’m wrong and say when I don’t like something. But I never shout and yell and the only time I get upset is when there’s a criticism or attack that I find to be unfair.

In one of those strange twists of fate, I found myself on the roof deck at the Grand Daddy getting along like old friends with a hopefully soon-to-be-resident in Cape Town American by the name of Elizabeth. This was ironic because the only reason I was in that place at that time was that I happened to go to an event in San Francisco on a night when my heart was actually distinctly elsewhere …. But at that event I met a guy who connected the two of us. It’s a small world. And who else showed up that night but Karl, El, and Sheraan. Funny how you can be in Cape Town for years and not meet people then once you know each other you see each other everywhere.

Sometimes people ask you questions you can’t answer. Someone asked me on this occasion what my next thing was. That’s like asking me where I’m going to be in ten years. I have NO CLUE. Haven’t thought about it. Yes, I’ve thought about what I would do if I for some reason had to get another job tomorrow, but that’s not the plan. Me, the world, and my situation will be very different in a couple of years when the time is right to move on. Right now, trying to separate me from the company would be like trying to separate me from my Inov8 collection.

But in all seriousness, I’m quite excited to have met this new crew, and see what they might bring to my future. There are some interesting aspects to being female in technology, to being a female business leader, to being a female leader in South Africa, and to being an American expat in South Africa. I suppose there are some aspects of this that are just me: there is the Ellie that gets Aidan to talk all about this girl he’s crazy for only a few hours after he meets me, the Ellie that persuades Mike to talk his crew into letting me stow away with them for a week, the Ellie that has a knack for meeting the right people, the Ellie that continuously procrastinates basic things like importing my cat and buying furniture.

Why I set the bar high in some parts of my life but completely ignore it in other aspects puzzles me. Fear of failure, most likely. Stick to what I’m good at. I guess I want it all, I don’t want to compromise, I don’t want to have to make choices. Except the ones I do. So I avoid the ones I don’t want to make.

Yes, I really do care what other people think. But not when that means compromising what I think is right. Sometimes there are things more important than being popular.

I also took a day off this week to play model for a day, shooting a Reebok TV commercial. It’s going to be shown worldwide, so hey if you see someone in a Reebok ad with a Tom Brady look and orange headband, that just might be me. I was originally meant to do the CrossFit ad they were shooting but got a strange call saying they’d prefer me rather for this other ad rather. I can’t complain, this way I actually got to meet a bunch of fun new people. I hang out in CrossFit gyms all the time anyway, it’s not so often I get a chance to apply my CrossFit skills to new situations!

Sadly it did put me into a state of exhaustion for Friday. Our call time had been 5am at a wine farm in Stellenbosch and the day after a day of activity and sun, inadequate sleep a few nights in a row, not to mention a lunch with Elizabeth at Sandbar, including a glass of lovely Sauvignon Blanc, I set up the bars for a hectic workout. The guys from CrossFit Platinum and Ballistix CrossFit had in recent weeks done a “20s” workout which was 20 reps of 20 different exercises. Bottom line, I was in quite possibly the worst possible state I could have been to do this workout. I underestimated it and was dehydrated and without enough carbs in my body …. I hit the wall 20 minutes in but ploughed on because I was too stubborn to stop.

I’ll do it again. This should be a sub-30 minute workout for me, and next time it will be, damn it.

I had a moment about a week ago when I was in the middle of a beach workout in Camps Bay, running through the sand and I just thought how amazing my life is right now. Sure there are things I’m not 100% happy with, but I am trying to learn and trying to get better. I guess that’s the main thing; I really try to take criticism to heart, whether it’s self-criticism or criticism by others. I can be selfish, I can be arrogant, I can be oblivious, I can be cold-hearted, condescending, scornful. So can we all. You know what they say about people who live in glass houses.

And you know what? Those things make me who I am, and it’s the other side of some of those attributes that give me whatever success I’ve had and will had. As to why I’m here and where I’m going …. I may have no clue, but I’m ok with that. I don’t really have another choice now do I?

The worst thing you could ever  say to someone is ‘don’t ever change.’

Well, that or tell them what the future holds.

• “A little bit of luck didn’t hurt.” – Keet
• “I’m arrogant. But I’m not THAT arrogant.” – Elizabeth
• “I don’t have a next thing! I’m three months into my current job!” – Ellie
• “There are very few things that can’t wait a few hours.” – Debbie
• “I was like: ‘You have some serious attitude issues to sort out, guy!’” – Helen
• “Skyrove is not a ‘thing.’” – Henk
• “There is a lot of data that we need.” – Tim
• “It’s actually a farce, at this point.” – Ellie
• “Some customers you just have to fire.” – Allister
• “Aren’t you glad you don’t have my job?” “Yes!!” – Ellie & Tim
• “Tim’s not evil!” “Tim hasn’t started drinking yet.” – Ellie & Adam
• “Everything you say just gets more and more ridiculous!” – Richard
• “You are today, sweetheart.” – Gareth
• “Yeah. Sometimes it is.” – Paul
• “I’m sorry – you jumped out of a 20-storey building?” – Ellie
• “I should hang a sign on myself that says ‘I’m not an extra!!’” – Olivia
• “From now on we’re going to call him Wet Chesty.” – Paul
• “I don’t remember.” – Paul 
• “By legal they might have meant not as well enforced.” – Tim 
• “You can't get rid of people's networks. Which is a bit of a problem.” – Tim