Being appreciative

There’s a fine line between being critical enough to diagnose and correct fault, and just being critical. How harsh is too harsh? At what point do you become high maintenance? At what point does self-criticism turn from a self-improvement tool to a re-enforcement of negative self-perception?

On Sunday I ran a trail race. I once used to be quite good at these things, but my metabolic conditioning is not very strong at the moment, firstly, and secondly … well, there is no secondly. I’m just not in ‘cardio’ shape. But my overhead squats are pretty kick-ass … at least when my shoulder and wrist stay stable.

Anyway as always you learn lessons in such a situation. I always knew that long distance stuff like this is more mental than anything, and I also learned that my mental muscle is a bit tired at the moment. I just didn’t feel like keeping up with the leaders, so I didn’t really try, and the end result was predictable.

I also learned that you can’t run in anger for too long. I didn’t start at the front of the pack so instead I had to overtake all these slow pokes and run around them … and as a result I lost a lot of unnecessary energy, exhausted my ATP stores, and wasted a lot of time.

Now on the positive side: it has been years since I’ve been able to run a trail race and not be afraid of the downhills because of my right ankle which was sprained three times in as many years, the last time very VERY badly. This time, amazingly enough, I could actually run down the single track downhills with relative ease. And THAT is one of the reasons to trail run – to just lean into the downhill, let your body go, and reach crazy speeds, all while not being quite sure where your feet are going to land, but figuring it out as you go along.

Monday-Tueday was a Joburg trip. It turned out to be very well timed trip as I met some key people, got some key insights, and started to see just how exactly to make the puzzle fit together the way I want. It’s always good to know yourself well, your own strengths & weaknesses, and also to have a sense of what the competition is doing, why they are doing it, and who you need to be afraid of and why.

One thing I’ve learned is that there are two things I’m doing, that might be the key thing, that the others are unlikely to copy. Because either would be too scary for them, but for me, I have no choice.

On a related point, my positioning is appealing and I can tell because the indirect players in the value chain are telling me so. When you end a meeting and the OOH guy literally hugs the OTT girl, you’re probably on the right track. Just … I have to hurry.

Monday night I went to a networking event and in the words of my pal J … I really do have a knack for meeting the right people. I was having one of those times when I was not necessarily in a networking mood; I was tired, I didn’t really know anyone except for this one guy who I don’t like or trust, who I was hoping wouldn’t see me … so I walked up to the people at the end of the bar and introduced myself. Turns out they worked for a company I’d been meaning to contact but never got around to. An hour later they had introduced me to another good contact, and we’d had a good meeting of the minds.

Then I went out to dinner with a friend who is in the middle of a couple of very rough transitions right now; one of which is to leave his current job. For a number of reasons, all of which I agree with. But heck, that still takes courage and a lot of it.

Courage? So CrossFit, like life, like work, always involves some of those moments where you think: I am in no way prepared to do what is being asked of me. But then again, neither are the other competitors in the lineup, and more importantly than them: to heck with it, I’m going to do it anyway. And no, I’m not going to fail.

One of the things that I do by nature is to see all the various areas for improvement. I finish a workout or  a lift and the first things that run through my mind are how I could have done better.

This is a useful self-improvement tool. But … It may also be overly self-critical, in a game where the mental aspect is arguably more important than the physical. You have strength, conditioning, technique, and then the power of the mind.

I was in a meeting Monday afternoon with a man who is a successful entrepreneur and businessman, but also just quite an interesting person. Our companies are becoming closer partners and each time we meet we learn more about each other, as one does. Somehow this whole subject came up, and he gave me a very clear message, almost a warning: that I needed to take care to be more appreciative. No specific ‘or else’ because there are a lot of potential ‘or elses.’

That night, after my networking event & dinner, I got back to my guest house and there was the 2009 annual report of this guy’s company, with his photo plastered everywhere. OK so far so random. Then I had a dream, and in my dream a cat I used to have came to visit me. This cat was killed by a car after I moved to South Africa (I shamefully admit to allowing emotional abuse push me into letting the poor cat be an outdoor cat at all to begin with … but hey we all have our weaknesses). Long story short, I dreamed about a dog losing part of a limb, then my dead cat came to say hello, then I woke up.

Be more appreciative, because you just never know how long something or someone is going to last. Message received.

Started my next day with a good long training session. The photo above just about sums up that day. Lots of technique and efficiency work. It was nice, actually, REALLY nice since my first meeting wasn’t until late morning, to be able to spend three hours in the gym. Yep, definitely a luxury this CrossFit thing.

Just like ‘when do we see you again’ is a lot better than ‘oh you again,’ it has now gotten to the point where when I fly back to Cape Town it no longer feels entirely like home. I was driving into the city (again, after landing in rain after leaving a stunning day up north), and as I came around the bend on De Waal Drive all I could think was what a beautiful backwater this city is.

Charming, wonderful, multi-cultural, and with character that extends past shopping malls and office parks. But if what I like is getting things done, and you can’t do new things without having those personal relationships, I will be spending more time in Joburg. How much more is the question.

Trying to be more appreciative makes me also appreciate Cape Town that much more. It is magnificent.

I got home that night hoping to see my cat, and give her some love since I’d woken up in the morning dreaming of the other cat. No such luck, as she was missing when I arrived home. If there is such a thing as the universe conspiring to tell me something about appreciating what I have while it’s still around, it would literally be shouting at me right now.

I think I get the message. But what I do with it is another matter.

• “A strange kind of winter.” – Jarred
• “Yes. It is how you going to deal with it.” – Neil
• “I’m just going to sit back and wait for that to happen. Because we need it to happen.” – Craig
• “I think I know who you’re talking about.” “Yeah. I drop really subtle hints.” – Ellie & Craig
• “Approaching --- would take courage.” – Doug (or not)
• “I don’t normally share this with people. But you will understand it.” – Doug (way to give a girl a compliment!)
• “They have a plan. The rest are just lucky.” – Doug
• “We have to control our emotions. So that we can control our thoughts.” – Doug
• “And also, no one takes you seriously [if you don’t live in JHB].” – Byron
• “I’ve never trusted him.” “Your instincts are good.” – Ellie & my Monday night date
• “I think what you’ve just seen is the end of the beginning.” – Lance
• “If you look around the table and you can’t see who the sucker is, the sucker is you.” – Lance
• “This is not a book club.” “It’s not?” – Rick & Ellie
• “You kicked over the chalk bucket the last time you were here!” – Jason
• “Oh my God. I can’t believe I just called CrossFit ‘my alone time.’” – Ellie (but it is)
• “I want to no rep Spencer Hendel!” – Rick
• “I’m not quite sure where this is going but it’s going somewhere.” – Mark
• “No. I’m going to do it.” – Ellie 

The mental game

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. I really like people. At least the cool ones.

It’s also trite but true that you get out of things what you put into them. This is definitely true in CrossFit – the harder you push that intensity, the better the results.

Same could be said of friendships; or even most relationships. A while ago I wrote a post about what I look for in a relationship … any relationship. I’ve been so focused on my work these last few months that if I care enough to spend time with you, I sure as heck want that to be quality time. Not that the people I haven’t seen in ages mean any less to me … it’s kind of complicated. I should call some people.

Anyway. This week I was lucky enough to see one of my absolute favourite people in the Wi-Fi space on Thursday night, followed up by meeting a very VERY cool girl who I hope may become an addition to my stable of close friends.

I was re-reading the post I wrote ages back, and it’s mostly still accurate.

I want to surround myself with people who can carry on interesting conversations. People who have similarly high aspirations to my own, who push me and stretch me, and question me, and don’t let me get away with cop outs (although let’s face it, if you’re going to avoid something you’re going to avoid it!).

There is an appropriate mix of driven selfishness that makes you interesting to me, but when you do care, don’t pretend to care. Actually care. None of this polite smiling then sniping behind peoples’ backs. OK, wait, I do do that too. Shoot.

But there are better people out there than I. People who spend hours helping other people with no specific guarantee of reward. People who get out of their own head to go hug their brother before the final event of the competition. People who actually get emotionally involved at the plight of the beggars.

Someone once said I’m nice but dangerous. I think sometimes that I’m a strange combination of soft and hard. I’m pretty much a softie, unless you’ve annoyed me, or attacked me, or unless I’m going for the jugular. In that case, beast mode on, all bets are off. (running in anger, I suppose)

Why am I blathering on about this? Because everything in life is about the people. You want to sell Wi-Fi? You need people. Especially, to move up the value chain and do interesting things, you need partners and you need to know how to talk to partners and answer the what’s in it for them question.

I’m not saying I don’t also have an altruistic streak, because I do. But there is a part of me, as I said above, that is definitely an attention whore. I wouldn’t want to be so famous that I had to worry about every person meeting me just wanting to be associated with an image of me. But in a small way, this may already be the case. It’s kinda like chauvinism; it might be there but I choose not to see it, so it may as well not be. It’s all in the head.

I was not feeling myself from last Saturday through Tuesday. Just head not in the right place. Mentally tired; physically tired, even to the point where I skipped a training session. CNS meltdown as a result of too high of ambient stress.

Like when you’re sick and then you forget what it feels like to be well, but you do vaguely remember that there is a time when you just feel normal; that’s what this was like. Yeah, I can vaguely remember having energy and enthusiasm. I was also affected more than I realised by some pretty incisive comments by Jeff, making me question just why I was doing all this, anyway.

Back to basics. Doing it for me, to learn. I’m achieving that. Don’t need to be resentful of other things along the way; just be grateful. And I am. My life is amazing. Like really amazing.

So what’s up with the mental game? Well at Saturday gym I watched Grant fail his 107kg snatch over, and over, and over, and over. The boy had the lift. He was under the bar; not quite solid maybe … but it was so frustrating to watch him. His head wasn’t in the game. Somehow this had the opposite impact on me and once I remembered that success in a move is more mind than body all of a sudden my snatch balances came together, and my overhead squat with it.

I’m at a point in my training cycle now where you should be missing some lifts. If you’re not, it means you’re being too conservative with the weights. So my deficit handstand pushups were … challenging. And I did miss some reps. And the overhead squats aren’t as pretty when the weights get heavy; it’s stubbornness that makes the lift not necessarily perfect technique.

So what? So I’m happy that I’m not playing it safe with the weights, but a part of me still feels like I failed when I miss reps. The curse of the Type A personality is that I cannot be perfect, I cannot do everything at once, I must delegate and deal with the lack of control issues that result. Just means I need a good team around me; the sort I want anyway, where we are stronger together than we are apart.

But frustration abounds, nonetheless, of course. I can actually feel the instability in my shoulder and I don’t like it. I don’t like how slow the rotator cuff is to heal. I want to get back on those rings and practice bar muscle ups … but I can’t. It’s so frustrating, but I’ve learned this lesson the hard way.

We’ve been having all sorts of fun things in the programme like this one: 2x max duration weighted plank hold. So you put a weight on your back; go into a plank position … and hold it as long as you can. The problem with this? It starts to hurt eventually, after about one minute, and you kind of have to decide how long you are going to hold it. And it’s empowering at the same time as it’s not; because if you held it for 2 minutes you probably could have held it for 2:10, and so on.

There is no perfect. But hell. The CrossFit is so empowering to decide you’re going to do something and then go do it. It’s not about ‘my warmup is your workout.’ It’s not even about the competition; the competition is just there to make you push yourself harder. And this is why competitors have a bond that is the same type of bond that CEOs have (as I’ve now discovered).

There’s a certain intensity of presence in a moment and focus on outcome that is so intense it’s almost blinding. It can be; actually. You can’t understand unless you’ve felt it. Was watching an old CrossFit Games video where Spealler is saying how there’s of course an intensity to competition but there’s also this sense of calm where everything suddenly gets quiet, and slows down. I’ve felt this, and it’s intense: the presence in that moment. The same sort of thing you hope or strive for in the rest of your life, where you’re so focused on the person in front of you that you do not want even to look at your smart phone.

It takes a mental strength, or a courage, to do things that scare us. To walk out on that floor, to do Fran, to go for a max lift, to call a difficult customer, to take the advice of your girlfriends when they want you to do something you know you must but don’t want to do.

So we’re all of us insecure and afraid of things. Failure, rejection, losing, whatever. This is why it’s better to laugh at yourself and control the conversation than wait for others to laugh at you. And they will talk behind your back, but screw it anyway; you can’t live life under the sheets of your bed being worried about what might happen.

Or so you think until the guy you buy your vegetables from has his arm in a sling because he was robbed and stabbed. And your new friend tells you that the worst thing isn’t a bad Fran time or losing a customer or having to make tough painful decisions involving people, but it’s losing a limb, or getting raped, or dying young.

Maybe I’ll be a Joan of Arc on my mission to make public Wi-Fi good, reliable, free, and secure (here’s a hint: the business models of the future don’t rely on selling throttled internet access). That’s actually only the beginning. Maybe I’m tilting at windmills but if you have any sense of what the future holds and you don’t skate to where the puck is moving, you’re not playing the game right.

Better to be crucified but at least try. I learned some new things this week that make me very, very scared. It’s an interesting and dangerous time for digital privacy and radio frequency air rights, and location-based advertising. There’s a right way and a wrong way to do things, and some of what I am seeing scares me more than a little.

If shaking trees doesn’t get me what I want, it’s going to be time to break out the axe. Bring a little knowledge to the fore, and see what happens then.

In two weeks I’m taking a weekend off and going up north to see the flowers, and some friends. I can use the rest for my brain and my body.

I have a feeling I’m going to need it.

• “Overhead squats! I should really come watch you train; to observe all the different kinds of tension-causing activities.” – Byron
• “He said: ‘Why do I need to wait for five more people?’ They had to hold the mast in place.” – Rudolph (Africa.)
• “Next thing is I’m going to have words with ---. Except I can’t do that yet because one of them’s in the hospital. And I didn’t send him there.” – Ellie
• “Be warned. It’s not a nice face.” – Stefan
• “You probably already thought of that, huh?” – Rob
• “So I’m not a random!” – Rob (definitely not)
• “One thing is clear. We’re going into uncharted territory here.” – David
• “Well I like him because he replies to my mails.” – Tim
• “I must have missed something. Well obviously I missed something.” – Stefan
• “It’s an essential part of training.” “What? Chocolate?” “Snatching.” – Richie & Ellie
• “I’m starting to wish I didn’t have so much respect for you.” – Jeff
• “Trust me. I may be impatient. But I’m also realistic.” – Ellie
• “He should be informed before playing.” – Cedric

Inspiration

This city I call home is pretty damn amazing when you think about it. I got home very late on a Friday night, and slept as much as was humanly possible.

It was good to be home. Much as I love Johannesburg, and everything else that’s going through my head, it was nice to show back up at Cape CrossFit. It was nice to see everyone, to get goosebumps at the audio selection, and to snatch alongside Grant. Although his snatch is way prettier than mine.

What was nicer, in a way? To have one of the girls in my gym comment on my Facebook check-in that I was looking super strong and it was inspiring to watch me continue to get stronger.

You know how I said above that you can only inspire people who are paying attention? Well, sometimes, apparently, you can be an inspiration without even knowing it. I had no idea she was paying attention to me like this; I was aware of her getting stronger, but it never occurred to me, really, that I was being watched in my own way.

But seriously, it’s a great feeling to provide any sort of encouragement to women to be strong, when our culture doesn’t necessarily encourage this.

It happened again not once, but twice in the week. One day I was in the gym in the evening doing my rehab, and this girl who has been training for a while, I don’t know her name but she has the heart of a fighter and that is why she will one day be very good, came up to me right after her workout and asked me, all in one breathless question (she’d obviously been waiting all class to come ask): “You know that thing they did in the Games with the one-legged pistol squats with kettlebells? Can YOU do that?” I said I had no idea, but probably: let’s go find out. So we did, and I could. And she left happy. That thing she’d seen on TV, performed by a living, breathing, female that she knew.

And then the next morning I woke up to a great long Facebook email from a friend that said, in part, the following: “Thanks for helping me think a little out the box and for teaching me to not be afraid to do things that night challenge me - like you so often do - probabaly without thinking. I just take a little longer. Boom!”

So, what did I learn? While I may be hard on myself for lacking a sympathy gene, and while I may feel inadequate most of the time because I feel like I’m too self-centred, and especially now where if it’s not CrossFit or Wi-Fi I’m probably not that interested in it (tunnel vision, anyone??), apparently I do have an impact, and on some people it’s a positive one.

While I may or may not have been whining on this blog recently about sometimes the attention [that I do crave, let’s not lie here!] being all a bit too much, and just wanting to crawl under the covers some days and not come out, well life gives you what you need, right? Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not too much to handle, and we all have our ups and downs.

What I meant to say: I am happy and proud to be a role model of sorts for some people, just as I look up to many role models around me. And for any of us to go whining about how it’s so much pressure to be a role model is just silly. It’s like in certain situations I can see and feel that I have a little bit of star power to me, for whatever mix of reasons. I go certain places and my presence is felt, let’s just put it that way. It’s not important why, but it’s disingenuous to pretend it’s not there. I’m just glad I’m not actually famous.

Back to reality. Training. Then Saturday accounting lunch, and afterwards some errands and what can only be described as a mental vacation. I took a hot bath, relaxed, and was so indecisive I couldn’t even figure out if I wanted to put away my groceries or do laundry first. Mental rest day.

Sunday morning was literally magical. I was meeting my friend Justin for a mountain run. Justin’s an Ironman so it was very nice of him to take it slowly for my deconditioned ass, but as we started out running up Devil’s Peak, a rainbow came out. And it was not a subtle rainbow, it was an across-Table Mountain, full-fledged, cross-the-sky rainbow.

Then we ran up the mountain, and some niggles in my body that I’d been ignoring came out. Time for more mobility.

This city is stunning. The way the mountains frame the city, the way the colour of the sea and the sky complement each other so perfectly. About this time of the winter the depth of the green of the mountain, and the different kinds of fynbos, with the blooming proteas and aloes, and the clouds and sky and even the cold temperatures make you feel spectacularly alive. On the way up we jumped a stream. On the way back we got caught in a squall, and got soaked.

Something that struck me the other day as I was getting off the highway in Johannesburg was that although I obviously am a foreigner in a foreign land, and there is no mistaking my accent and different upbringing, I’ve been here so long now that it does all feel pretty familiar. The road markings. The brands. The way people speak. The architecture.

Like the entrepreneur’s curse is always to be walking that tightrope of fear and responsibility, and feeling guilty when not working, the expat’s curse is to feel almost at home, but not quite, both in country of birth and country of residence. When you’re an American working in America, you (or at least I, and I did quite a bit of work with overseas organisations so I like to think I’m pretty open minded) tend to have a feeling of ‘other’ when dealing with anyone outside your country. It’s not a trust issue, it’s a familiarity issue, and it is damn weird when a Bostonian actually does have more in common with someone from Toronto than someone from Little Rock.

Be that as it may, this is how I now feel about South Africans. ‘They’ are ‘mine’ in that this is now as much my home culture as America is. I may never love or understand rugby like I love or understand football. But I feel more and more at home every month. Justin even commented when we were running: How long have you been here? Six years? THREE? Only three? Wow.

Yeah. I feel that way too sometimes. I was just looking through my photos from 2010 recently. That feels like a lifetime ago. Different people in my life; I couldn’t yet do a pullup, different field of work, certainly a lot more immature. And if I’m this much more mature three years later, I have a lot of growing to do still. I’m tired just thinking about it.

But back to reality. That run was an epic way to start the day! I followed it up with lunch at Sandbar, accidentally running into Roland and getting some great feedback on mobility, dorsiflexion, and Olympic lifting, while I was busy doing whatever it is I was doing. Brain still not fully engaged. And I forgot to write down his best quotes. Although I’m sure he had some. Probably wasn’t trying hard enough.

Then: I flew to Port Elizabeth to speak at a conference, which I wasn’t really in the mood to do but you do what you must. Was fun though, as always!

Back again to Cape Town and a welcome sleep in my own bed, but the weekend and first half of the week was telling: last week did take it out of me. Overtraining and overworking manifest similarly.

And then there was a bit of a shock to the system on Tuesday morning. I can tell when people are being emotional, of course, but when there is a deep truth to what they are saying, and the truth is something you’ve not really concerned yourself with because it’s kind of immaterial to you, but that doesn’t mean it’s immaterial to others. Makes you think.

I was trying to explain something to Jeff on Saturday – how sometimes just because you CAN do something doesn’t mean you SHOULD. It may be better to lose a battle than to lose the war, and there’s a hell of a lot more to life and work than money. I don’t know if I’ll be in the telecoms space, or in the tech space, or in Cape Town, or Johannesburg, or even on this continent in the next few years. What I do know? The way that I go about doing things matters. I may not be perfect, but at least I try to do good.

Intrinsic motivation, and aces in their places. That’s kind of the name of the game this week. I am about to unleash an interesting series of events, internally and externally. Will be interesting to see what happens when the dust settles.

But damn, it hurts when I see someone I care about get hurt.

I also want to pat myself on the back for listening to my body. Trained Tuesday morning and just wasn’t feeling it … at all. I couldn’t snatch to save my life, so I stopped early. Next day woke up at my normal 5:30am time and felt exhausted and unmotivated. So I skipped gym and went back to bed. Clearly what I needed was rest, not more training.

Got it back that night when I went to throw down with the boys Nick and Peter at CrossFit City Bowl. My snatch was back, and we did a sneaky little workout that kicked all of our asses …. But hey, I still beat the boys. That was the idea, after all.

Training by yourself might have an element of Rocky to it, sure, but as I said above it’s a bit lonely. And lacking girls to throw down with, I’ll play with the boys.

• “I think we both know that’s completely untrue.” – Jeff
• “5 is nearly 6. 3 is nearly 2!” – Sam
• “I kind of like them both.” – Ellie (indecisive much?)
• “A frustrated man with a smartphone? Well you could take a photo of me right now!” – Andrew
• “We got a verbal on the Cape Town event.” “What, even after my porn joke?” – two of my crew
• “I also like Joburg.” “Yeah. I don’t understand that.” – Ellie & Damon
• “It’s pretty!” “It’s pretty useless!” – Ellie & Stefan
• “I’ve said that to a number of them. It didn’t go very well.” – Jade
• “In my opinion, I’m right and you’re wrong, no matter what that date says.” – Jeff
• “You’re going to kill us!” “That’s the idea!” – Peter & Ellie
• “Even if we’re not really competing; it’s still a competition!” – Ellie
• “You get around a lot, hey!” – Nick 

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king

There is a certain amount of power you have just by having knowledge, and context. Information asymmetry, in other words.

This is why we [should] respect masters and gurus and teachers and people with more wisdom than we have. It’s also a way to get things done.

When you have knowledge and/or connections others lack, you hold the cards. You can see, more clearly, the playing field. You can see when your competitors are playing checkers on a chess board.

You may not see when your knight is about to get taken, but you’re usually pretty aware of where your queen is at and your strategy to win.

Interesting week, last one. I was in lovely Johannesburg. The pull to this place gets stronger and stronger every time I go. It doesn’t help that the winter up there is somewhat nicer than in Cape Town. The nights are cold, yes, but the days are sunny and warm.

I was in Jozi this week primarily for lead generation. I was speaking at two conferences: one on shopper marketing, the other a telecoms conference about customer loyalty and retention. For neither of these audiences was Wi-Fi necessarily a topic they knew about, and for both it was a bit of a mental stretch, I think. But the people who got what I was saying, why, and the implications, properly got it.

So, mission accomplished. I’ve also discovered that I really do like public speaking. Especially by the Friday morning presentation, I was flying. Then again, I’d just come out of what was possibly one of the most important meetings of my career (on another, broader, business development topic), and it had gone even better than I could have expected. This is what knowledge, context, and framing gets you.

I was pondering a bit this week, again, as I was having dinners with a few different folks, whether I am more salesman, connector, or maven. The first dinner was with a guy I knew from WBA. Unfortunately for both of us, the way that dinner went was that I had to drink him under the table (make him struggle to keep up, at least). This only happened because I warned him who he was dealing with, and he didn’t listen. The second was with a gentlemen I’d just met, from Egypt. Most interesting series of conversations, that.

There’s three types of people in the world: the ones who know what’s going on and control it, the ones who can see what’s going on but can’t predict or manipulate it, and the ones who don’t know what the hell is going on. I obviously prefer the first type – these are the ones who make change. And change is fun.

To be a salesman, connector, or maven doesn’t mean that you’re not all three. In a way, my role is actually more maven at the moment than salesman. But the salesman always comes out. Maybe because the tech I’m working with is just so cool, and so complex.

Like one of the conversations this week: the telecommunications industry is a bit addictive because it’s always changing, and it’s insanely complex. How do ISPs keep from being dumb pipes? And how do mobile carriers stop from becoming a different sort of dumb pipe, with OTT companies eating them for lunch? How does one innovate before you’re on a burning platform? Especially in a big company? This is what keeps such smart, SMART people as I’ve met in this last week in the industry for 10+ years.

Speaking of titans of industry, I met one of the sharks I’d heard rumours of this week. Is it possible to be excited and apprehensive at the same time? I suppose, in my position, one must be. To be anything less would be naïve.

You really only live in your own head. I discovered, a bit to my chagrin, that I lack the sympathy gene, or at least the false sympathy gene. It goes with the filter problem: if I don’t care, I have a hard time pretending.

Sometimes I do care, but even still: I feel more sorry for myself being injured and food poisoned last year at Regionals than I do for the others that under-performed. But even still, there is a specific understanding that only athletes who have lived that specific scenario at the same time can feel, and when one of you brings it up, it just causes emotions to come to the fore, followed by other, related emotions of frustration.

It’s funny too: a comment that to one person might not have a lot of meaning, someone who is listening, and who understands, can feel the emotion behind. I suppose in a way even to reveal this part of yourself requires a bit of trust. Top athletes don’t just let out their fears and frustrations in public; you’re supposed to congratulate the ones who did well and not be mired in self-pity. But yet you feel what you feel.

Being injured sucks. And being out of control sucks, at least when it’s not willingly. And it’s a pipe dream, but sometimes I wish that I could have someone really smart and competent would take care of me, and make all my decisions for me. I’d hate that in the long term, but at times of emotional overload I wouldn’t mind a day or a few like that.

There’s a difference, I guess, between having stuff be more than you can handle, and more than you can comfortably handle. Plus, at the end of the day, you don’t really have a choice, and that’s how you get stronger. You don’t quit in the middle of a CrossFit workout. It’s just not done.

I was just saying above how I act funny when I’m a bit insecure. It’s …. Interesting, I guess, to see someone else acting similarly funny. What makes us insecure in different scenarios, and why we act as we do: no real answers of course.

One thing I don’t care for in Joburg is the traffic. I could NOT raise myself out of bed Wednesday morning and then had to drive to the gym, so I got to my hosts for the week at CrossFit Kyalami a bit later than I’d anticipated. And from there, the teasing began: “I thought you were going to come EARLY!”. I do so much enjoy travelling about to other boxes because you learn something new from each of the coaches. Plus it’s quite nice to have people about when I’m training. The loneliness of the 6am training session at Cape CrossFit is dramatic, sure, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not lonely.

Gyms do take on the personalities of their owners, and this one is fun. It’s serious, yes – technique is important. But you can’t spend five minutes there without smiling. At least I can’t. But then again it’s like Schrodinger’s cat: I have no idea what it’s like when I’m not there to observe. But the logo is pretty cool. I like the logo quite a lot. I guess it doesn’t take that much to generate a brand affinity in me.

Come Friday night flight back from Joburg I was flat exhausted. Not enough sleep, a bit too much of emotional highs and lows. When I landed in Cape Town, it was raining sideways.

I do sometimes question this almost irrational pull to Johannesburg. But it’s like most matters of the heart: the heart wants what it wants, regardless of what actually makes sense. There are some things and people in Cape Town that keep me here, and may well continue to do. But there are also people that pull me to Joburg.

So much for predicting the future. For now I will be content that I live in a place that I love deeply, and I get to travel to another place I am coming to love, and develop relationships that side as well.

• “Logic always wins, Ellie.” – Riaan
• “Don’t look now, but your boss is behind you.” – Ellie
• “You know me. You don’t need to know anyone else in here.” – Lance [true]  
• “What, are you too short?” – Ricky
• “It didn’t work?” “No, it didn’t work because you have to pay for it.” – Ellie & Gabriel
• “You woke up at 4 for gym and you don’t know why you’re exhausted?” – Cedric
• “You have all the cards.” – Spencer
• “But you do, just by being there.” – Spencer (ah, to be exotic for no good reason)
• “And unfortunately for them, you’re also intelligent.” – Spencer
• “Yeah. You learned your coach isn’t Jewish.” – Ricky (I learned this one the hard way…)
• “That’s not really a fair question, because the answer is always yes, even if the answer is no.” – Ellie (this got me something closer to the actual answer)
• “I think you just get used to it.” “I don’t want to get used to being exhausted!!” – Megan & Ellie
• “Choose. And the status quo is also a choice.” – Ellie
• “Oh. You're [brand]. Of course you are.” – Ellie
• “Those skills we can replicate. We can’t replicate the thinking behind it.” – Maged
• “Yes you are.” – Cedric
• “Sometimes I think it may get a bit confused.” – Ellie
• “What, did you get attacked by a lion?” “No. An elephant trampled my guide.” – Ellie & [can’t disclose … stupid NDA!]
• “You’re dealing with them. You must know.” – Adnan 

TEDx and Beyond

Sometimes, I frustrate me. I absolutely hate that feeling of mental and physical exhaustion … especially when I know fully well that it’s poor decision-making around sleep and lifestyle that is going to come back to bite me if I’m not careful. What’s the point of all this training after all? Yes, it’s for lifestyle, and yes it’s for fitness, but it’s also to perform well in competition but there’s a hell of a lot more to THAT than just putting in the hours in the gym practicing technique.

Saturday I woke up at some ungodly hour of the morning to drive to Lanseria to fly back to Cape Town. It was the more ungodly because after a girls’ night at Montecasino, I spent far too long on chat before finally going to bed. Adding insult to injury, I accidentally miscalculated how long it would take to get to the airport, but luckily at that time of the morning in Joburg no one really seems to obey the traffic lights much.

I arrived mid-morning at TEDx Cape Town, where my spectacular team were busy saving the day, and keeping the Wi-Fi up and running. An afternoon routing crisis on my core network got me much more upset than it probably should have; yet another reason why sleep deprivation is not a good idea.

For what I was able to see of it, I enjoyed the TEDx. It gave me goosebumps to see my friend Riaan speak, to check the whole thing from the catwalk (best seats in the house), and there was the magical musical performance of Shannon Hope. She had this one line: ‘Just being a grownup is hard. May as well do something that makes you happy.’

She was talking about her own search for passion and meaning in life, which she found in music. Great as long as the music can pay the bills, as she acknowledged. I was having a bit of a hard time with some of this because while it’s true in theory that you can inspire other people, you can’t TRY to inspire them as that’s just disingenuous, and you can be as inspiring as you want but you can’t make people pay attention.

She was saying that you can’t measure your success in dollars and cents. In a way, this is true. In another: this is actually how I WANT to measure myself. Is it a poor reflection on me that I want to play by the established rules of the business world, where power is power and money is money and money is power?

Those are circles I’m comfortable in, and that I like. People have told me I should open a CrossFit gym or some such. No desire. None. I don’t want to measure my success in terms of changing other peoples’ lives. That’s why I could never be a teacher. I want to build things, not people. That’s more important to me than the money, but the money follows.

I will build people too, as such is part of being a manager and a leader, and at the end of the day I do love my people. Skills you can buy; loyalty you cannot. You need both. But I get more pleasure out of building someone who then fulfils a function that I need than in just building people generally. It’s the same as software – the pleasure is in the building blocks.

Back to TEDx. There was also this woman who had come out of the aid space who was talking about the twin devils of pity and contempt for anyone poorer and darker than we, and the arrogance of sitting around presuming to be the ones who could come up with a solution. She went on to say that countless times they must have talked about plans and goals and initiatives …. But not once had they sat down and admitted they were wrong, or they should learn or change or grow. And here I sat, with a sort of smug satisfaction that I didn’t hold people in such contempt (but I suppose I sometimes do), and that at Skyrove we are as quick to talk about things that we are not doing well that should be fixed as we are about our wins (and yet we don’t always fix them, and we do have blind spots).

I guess you can only try to do your best.

But hell, even that is a big ask.

After TEDx, I went to observe a video shoot for my friends at HealthQ, at Black River CrossFit, where I’d hooked them up with the owner. So in a way, I suppose I was almost the godfather of the video. In a moment somewhere between highly embarrassing and highly flattering, it turns out that ‘the talent’ for the video actually recognized me from a CrossFit competition. And he’s actually the semi-famous one.

I act very silly when I’m feeling a bit insecure. I suppose that’s how one can tell: if I’m bragging, I’m probably feeling insecure. If I’m making fun of myself, I’m comfortable. Usually, I’m making fun of myself.

Sunday was another emotional day as I slept in (for like 10 hours!) then got up to have brunch with my gorgeous, intelligent, and gregarious friend Elizabeth who just moved to Cape Town. She asked me what was going on, and I spat out this great long plan. But she got it. She’s smart. And the plan is, at least, coherent.

I’m excited to have her in town.

Then I went down to Misty Cliffs to say a pre-goodbye goodbye to Kerry and her family. It is hard to describe how I feel about this, other than that, in a way it’s a bit hard to accept. She’s been there through my very beginnings in CrossFit, and at Skyrove, and now I’m at a different place with both, and still moving: because, well, what choice does one have?

Someone asked me recently what is the point of the CrossFit training. For once I came out with an honest answer. For now, for right now, it’s to perform as well as possible in competitions. It won’t always be this way. But try and take the competitor out of a competitor. Not gonna happen.

Monday was actually a really bad day. I woke up in the morning to do my normal thing, and it was raining and cold, so I didn’t get to see the sunrise I’ve been accustomed to. Then I did a workout that was called ‘Barnacle Bashing’ but may as well have been called ‘Get on the Rower and Die’ because it ended with a 500m row and so you knew the entire time that you were going to get on that rower … and die.

So after that, how could the day help but get better? Normally this is fine, but I started to feel ill, and that made me very unhappy because I had a big week ahead of me and could not afford to get sick.

Plus, sick means can’t train, and sick means burnout. But hey I had an interesting lunch with a competitor and then spent two hours going over our customer database.

Every day is different, and the difference between a good day and a bad day is between the ears.

• “I think you and I both need to get more sleep.” – Ellie
• “I think we like you, Ellie.” – Riaan
• “I mean it. I don’t say things I don’t mean.” – Riaan
• “He’s not even breaking a sweat.” “That’s ok. We have baby oil.” – Ellie & video producer
• “It’s ok. We don’t hate all of them.” – Nicol
• “Oh! You’re the rocket scientist.” – Ellie (sometimes I’m a bit slow on the uptake)
• “You were so sharply close I’m stunned.” – Cedric (one day he may stop being surprised)
• “If you’re going to go to a beer festival in South Africa, how better to do it than with a bakkie full of Namibians?” – Tim
• “I didn’t give him full access. He just took full access.” – Rudolph