Ever feel like your life is a video game?

You level up. You learn a new trick. The next day it completely vanishes. The next you do a strict muscle up while just messing around (I was actually kind of incredulous as it happened – the not-so-flattering bit is once I went to go get an audience, I failed my second attempt because I couldn’t press all the way out of it!).

At work. Dodging pedestrians, other vehicles, other non-vehicular traffic. At the gym. At the other gym. At the dojo. At work again. At home. At acupuncture.

With my web developer hat on. Then my graphic designer hat. Then playing bad cop to Peter Shrimpton’s good cop (I know, right??).

Going back to something I committed to in January and stopped … and pretty quickly getting back up to speed.

Demonstrating extreme patience with some people, and absolutely zero with others (well, I’m a Myers-Briggs “J” … what do you expect??).

At the gym in the morning before I realise I feel like puking. Squatting a little bit anyway, then noticing that the guy next to me is lifting less than I am (and I’m double-dip squatting…). Feeling like I have food poisoning, starting to eat, and miraculously recovering in time to finally break that 60kg clean (with ease, followed by 8 minutes of miserable mental fails), and also tie my power snatch PR with relative ease. Funny how a day can change on a dime.

I just wish someone would load the bar with 68kgs and tell me it was 57. The brain …. Best friend and worst enemy all at the same time. I could pretend I was like Mario when he gets super-charged and can kick some serious butt (Super Mario 3, my favourite Nintendo game ever!!).

Yeah, weird week. Super productive day on Monday at the office, then I worked remotely from a coffee shop in Hout Bay most of the day Tuesday, so as to accomplish some things. Accomplish some things I did … but the to-do list is still a mile long. But progress is progress … finally started qigong on Tuesday evening. Now THAT is going to be an epic challenge. Oh my word.

A sense of purpose. I think I’m regaining mine, along with the light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe it’s the afterglow … who the hell knows.

Sometimes you also need someone else to tell you what to do, or give you permission. I got that on Wednesday, in a bit of a roundabout way. I think about it a lot, how fear holds me back (and most people, right?). But I think I’m ready to be done being afraid. Sometimes it just is that easy: when you or a situation reaches a tipping point, then it changes. So, we’ll see.

Easier said than done, but I feel like something’s already shifted. For the first time I wasn’t afraid of failing my back squats on Wednesday (I was just tired so I ‘only’ tied my PR from three weeks ago … the Keith Delaney special on Monday did me in; I’m still sore, it’s awesome). For the first time I wasn’t afraid of those rings … and bam, with confidence comes consistency (ok yeah I guess you also need strength and technique but you get my point).

So, we’ll see what happens next. As Mona always says, when you’re happy good things happen.

I’m not quite sure how I’m going to make time in all of this to be a better friend, because I feel like I’ve been kind of a shit friend to a bunch of people recently. If I make time for them it’s only ever on my terms, and almost certainly not after dark because once the sun goes down I go to sleep. But I’m taking care of myself right now and doing what makes me feel happy. We all must live our own life, because when you compromise to please others you fail yourself and you’re never going to make everyone happy all the time. It’s just NOT POSSIBLE.

And a final note: I am really looking forward to being a good teammate. I especially like being the utility player. I’ve always enjoyed being the pinch hitter. I was explaining comparative advantage yesterday to one of our interns. But more fundamentally I was floating for a long time wondering what my team status would be, or specifically if I was really wanted/needed. It’s nice to be needed. And reality being what it is, I am SO happy right now to be a part of this sports team.

I’ve also been thinking how our sense of ‘normal’ shifts. I was talking to Tammy the other day, who was saying how she used to feel deprived going out to restaurants and eating paleo, and she no longer does. I feel much the same way. There was a time earlier in the year when I felt deprived by not having certain things, but more recently, not at all. I’m also getting wiped from getting ‘only’ 8 hours of sleep; but at least I know to listen to it.

(ok, I still crave lattes … I admit it …)

• “I’m only doing a few. I want to be able to walk tomorrow.” – Wayne
• “If you think about your hand, it’s going to hurt. Don’t think about your hand.” – overheard at the martial arts training centre
• “When you start to try too hard is when everything falls apart.” – Bridget
• “You’re here to bring about change.” – Kerry 

Dear Diary

Is this really my life? Has it really been almost two years since I left Boston, not sure of anything except the most burning desire to be in South Africa? Am I now officially an expat? Am I American? Capetonian? What, if anything, does it mean that I’m now subvocalizing words like ‘progress’ with a South African pronunciation?

Why is it that I feel deeply satisfied and yet deeply unsatisfied at the same time? That as much as I do, as good as I am, at work, at sport, at life, is actually never quite good enough?

Have I really turned into the girl who goes out to a bar and doesn’t drink? Who has no couch but a set of gymnastic rings hanging from the balcony? Who works far too hard for far too little money, at work she loves, with people she loves, and yet finds herself in meetings wondering why her clean has been stuck at 60kgs for months now? Who, the leaner she gets, worries more about how she looks?

I read this blog post from someone I know in Cape Town when I was in the airport waiting for my flight to Joburg and it just tore my heartstrings apart. Probably this was because her experience has been so completely different than mine. Rather than come here for love, I came here for love of a different sort, and was lucky: I think life would be way harder without a work permit (organized by a kick-ass immigration lawyer who never charged me a dime), a bank account, and supportive co-workers and community of fellow [deeply strange, but also lovely] CrossFitters. Some of what she says strikes home though.

I’ve said it before but I do sometimes miss America … not just people, or a what-might-have-been or could-be life, but things like the chill of the autumn air. The first frost. Apple cider. Maple candy. Daylilies. Daffodils. Dunkin Donuts. Football. Ice hockey. When the trees leaf out in the spring and it’s as colourful as the autumn.

But I also love Cape Town. The light on the mountain in the morning. Camps Bay. Vida. The Old Castle Brewery. The Sea Point pool. The Biscuit Mill. Autumn in the winelands. Fynbos. Local honey. The Twelve Apostles. The beach. Sandbar omelettes.

I never thought it would be like this, though. The number of people relying on me to come up with ‘the answer’ or ‘an answer.’ The complexity of the money-no money white-black social enterprise-charity situation. The ‘beneficiaries’ (and how I squirm that the term even has to exist!) who see you as no more than every other paleface with rand signs where your eyes should be, to the point where you wonder if you are that different, after all, and if they are really that different from the same robot hawkers at the same intersections day in and day out. The seeing families in the park and wondering if a small part of me still wants that life. The wondering how long I can keep on paying mortgage on a house I no longer live in before the money runs out. The wondering why the heck I am doing the sort of work I’m doing, and whether or not it’s the right decision.

The feeling pretty good about how well I did in a workout until seeing the number of girls who beat me by a few reps (it’s all relative, huh … well, it’s still a 20% improvement over the Ellie of October 2011, so f*ck it, I’ll take it). The continuous annoyance at seeing people post scores with unacceptable ROM … when actually it shouldn’t matter to me at all because that’s their issue not mine.
                                                     

It’s like in some people’s eyes you can do no wrong, and in other people’s eyes you can do no right.

Like Kelsey said. It’s been a tough couple of weeks …

In happier news, my ankle is slowly recovering. I was able to do max squat cleans Saturday, which was a first since the injury (the torque had been too much for it). Managed to squat clean my clean PR a couple of times before my right shoulder gave out (when it gets tired or strained the arm moves too slowly to rotate fast enough that I lose the lift). And, for the first time since October, there were a couple of hours on a few separate occasions in the last few days where I’ve forgotten that I have an injury to my left side/back. Dare I tempt fate and say that in another two weeks or so I should actually be 100% healthy?

• “Oh! How beautiful is our city?” – Tammy
• “Don’t hate the player hate the game.” – Lauren 

Standards

Wow, this blog apparently reached 10,000 pageviews in the last few days. Who knew so many people were interested in the random stuff I get up to?

Anyhoo, I was reflecting further on my weekend with Katharine. When she was out on a 33km run (she’s training for Comrades … I was busy sleeping!) she encountered an informal settlement literally abutting an expensive resort. We see this every day, here in South Africa: the [usually black] workers walking to work in the city or to their jobs as domestics in the white suburbs. South Africa has one of the worst Gini co-efficients in the world. If you don’t know what that means, Google it.

It’s not the sort of thing that can be changed overnight or even in a generation. But especially when you work as I do, in the field sometimes, you can’t help but notice. When people take advantage of that inequality to better themselves …. Well, there are very few things that make me properly angry nowadays. That’s one that makes my blood boil.

However, everything is relative. EVERYTHING. It’s impossible to see the world through someone else’s eyes. I mean yes, there are concepts of absolute right and wrong, that religions have argued about for thousands of years. But in pretty much everything that doesn’t come right down to don’t hurt other people or take sh*t that isn’t yours, it’s a gray area. And hey … even that ... short of murder and mutilation, how do you define ‘hurt other people?’ What actually constitutes emotional abuse, after all? What if it’s unintentional? What if a tree falls in the forest? Same goes for ‘sh*t that isn’t yours.’

Truth, like perspective, is also not absolute. Every story has a side for each person that tells it. We learned this lesson very strikingly my first week at St Paul’s when some class or other they staged a verbal fight between a person coming in and the teacher. When we then had to write down our recollections of the appearance of this person (let alone the actual course of events) the results were, of course, very different. And if we can’t even get basic facts like what colour skirt someone had on consistent, and we know that our perception of past events is coloured by our own beliefs, thought processes, etc., no wonder two people can look at the same situation and come up with completely different conclusions.

It’s so funny, we like to think of our memory as being like a movie we can play back or a series of photographs we can recall. In fact, it’s nothing like that. Even how we make decisions is more akin to a typical Supreme Court decision where there is a winning side, but just as strong of a dissenting opinion. But the dissenting opinion is stuck in those little gray cells. No, I haven’t been re-reading Jonah Lehrer. Just thinking.

As an example, what I think my top priority should be isn’t necessarily what the other people around me think it should be. Goodness knows I get pulled in about 12 directions every day at the office, and it’s hard to balance keeping other people busy with keeping other people productive with urgent admin items (like chasing down payments and generating invoices), with the BIG STUFF that needs to get done and that requires focus. Some of this is personal stuff like getting my cats imported, some of it is work stuff like writing concept notes and marketing collateral, that requires being in the right head space. But hey, working for a small company or startup is like training CrossFit. It’s different each time, and you have macro and micro cycles, and there’s always tons of things you’re good at and tons of things you suck at and need to improve.

Another example, I got called for a couple no reps on my burpees yesterday at CrossFit. Now, none of these were intentional – I was just moving so fast that I didn’t actually do what I was supposed to be doing. Now, I will try harder in the future to make sure that I put movement standard above speed. It used to be that my pullups weren’t always above the bar, or my squats weren’t deep enough or I didn’t open my hip at the top. But you can’t always necessarily see or feel these things yourself, which is why you need to be told. But after you’re told, you need to listen. Chris gave quite a …. Well, I won’t call it tirade, but a long speech to the attendees of the advanced class on Tuesday night about movement standards.

We’d just done a workout called Cindy which was 20 minutes of as many rounds as possible of 5 pullups, 10 pushups, and 15 air squats. Each of these things has movement standards. We all know what they are (or should). I myself saw quite a couple no reps for each and every exercise. I hope to heck all mine were legit … if not, it certainly wasn’t by intention. These things matter. There ARE cases where there are absolutes, and you should respect the heck out of those absolutes. So I REALLY appreciated Chris’ lecture because it really is that important. And that’s one of the reasons why we tend to respect the likes of Chris and Rika as athletes, because we know they hold themselves to the standards.

Having said that, I was quite happy with Cindy because this was the first time I’d ever done it that I hadn’t lain around staring at the floor waiting for my arms to recover sufficiently to do another [legitimate] pushup. I still got tired and slowed down at some point but I hit a PR (that’s three in 25 hours … but who’s counting?).

Wednesday was a public holiday. Human Rights Day. I think it’s great that this is celebrated. South Africa has one of the most progressive constitutions on the planet, and while politics here is its own brand of messed up, well, at least we don’t have Rick Santorum, either. Things could be a whole heck of a lot worse. So I did what I normally do when I get a day off … I trained, and ate, and trained again, ate again, hung out with a friend, ate for a third time, and then got to work on some of the BIG STUFF.

I’ll also say this because it’s on my mind: attitude matters a lot. I have a book called The Art of the Idea that says the world is full of sunrise people and sunset people. Simply put, a sunrise person gives out energy, and a sunset person sucks it up. Here’s a great quote:

“Nelson Mandela electrified a room, not through soaring rhetoric or slick salesmanship, but through integrity of purpose. He had an idea for a whole country and he wanted everyone to help make it float.

Often in meetings, he’d listen to people being angry about the past. When they were finished, he’d agree with them. They were right, he’d say. But then, he’d ask that their anger at the past not contaminate the future.

When you are angry and right, that’s a difficult ask.”

• “That was priceless: ‘What did he show you?’ ‘I don’t know.’” – Jeff
• “You might say they’re good problems, yes, but they’re still problems.” – Jeremy
• “Whining won’t stop it.” – Chris
• “It was good! I didn’t rip my hand. … Oh, no, wait, I did.” – Ellie 

Once Bitten, Twice Shy (or, Joburg’s not so bad)

How often do you try something and fail, then succeed on the second attempt? You know so many failures are mental fails, and fear is the reason why.

Hermann was saying the other night how he was reading about the theory that if you go for a lift and miss it then the next time you attempt that weight you have in your head that you missed the attempt, and it can hold you back. This was shortly after we were at the gym and Chris was saying how if people couldn’t do muscle ups before doing 150 wall balls and 90 double unders they sure as heck couldn’t do them afterwards.

But then, I was watching the Carl Paoli prep video and he made the comment about how many people might get their first muscle up in this workout, given how many have hit PRs in this Open season. How about Suad whose snatch improved from 24 to 33kgs when under pressure in week 2, or Hes, who got her first toes-to-bar last week?

So is trying something you’re not sure you can do a good stretch or a bad one? Obviously you don’t want to be attempting things that are far above your capacity, but what about those slight stretches? You HAVE to take risks and try things you’ve never done if you’re ever going to do them. The best way never to get muscle ups is never to try.

Who’s right? They both are. It depends. On so many things … the person, the mental headspace, the physical capabilities on the day … there are no easy answers. Ever. If there were, this stuff wouldn’t be fun.

And maybe it’s just my Facebook feed but you see this sort of stuff all the time … whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right. Don’t let anyone get in the way of your dream. Where there’s a will there’s a way, etc, etc. Wonder what makes people share these sentiments? This is probably one of the reasons CrossFit New England is always so good – they don’t ignore the mental muscle. I can always tell the athletes who not going to do well in competitions – they are the ones with fear and strain on their face. The smiling ones might do well or they might not, but at least they’re having fun. Fear WILL kill you, every time.

Of course there are also the people cheering from the sidelines, of which there are the sort who are actually supportive with constructive criticism, and the sort who just like to criticise, without the aim of helping you improve or helping to resolve the situation … those who are just, well, bitching. There are the second sort in all environments, like it or not. Our gym. Most workplaces. Maybe even some of your friends. Maybe even some of my friends, ha!

Sport is always a good metaphor for life, right? So I hate wall balls, and I hate double-unders, and I did my first ones since the ankle sprain a few days ago. Funny thing about recovering from an injury is even once the injury is healed, the fear remains. Once bitten, right? Remember when we were kids and we were fearless? Walking on our hands wouldn’t scare us then. The Open workout of last week started with 150 wall balls, which was dreadful enough on its own. It was ok until about 100 at which point I just started to get really bored and wanted it to be over already. Then the double-unders began and I’m not very good at those under ideal circumstances. But boy, this was sad. Unfortunately my ankle was not happy, and started to hurt, and that slight pain killed my focus. Killed. Interesting lesson.

I had another good mental fail this morning. Went for a back squat PR, got it, but it was challenging. Not due to strength, due to the fact that I had slightly bad positioning. So I added another 5kgs to the bar … and there was no way in hell I was going to make that lift. In my head, I’d already failed, because the last one was so hard. That’s the reason I still struggle with 1 rep max attempts; my fear level is too high for anything other than safe lifts. Something [else] to work on. But in happier news, I smashed the hell out of my Grace (sorry, 30 clean & jerks for time at 43kgs/95lbs) PR from three weeks ago. 4:05 -> 3:20. Now, I am mostly limited here by my inability to control the bar on the way down to do consecutive reps. Something [else] to work on, right? There’s always something, even for stuff you’re good at.

Which brings me to the next subject: improvement. If you try and work on too many things at the same time it’s going to be hard to improve. Picking and choosing your battles and your areas for improvement is hard. If your squat sucks and your pushups suck and you can’t do a ring dip … where do you start? Probably not by trying to fix all three at the same time. One of the Tom Peters concepts that my old boss Ed Boudrot loved was the: “to don’t list.” There are always FAR more things you can do than you will actually have time to do. By not explicitly choosing what you are not going to do, you’re making some implicit choices. Eish, I know that one well enough by now….

So eat the elephant one bite at a time. And don’t try to sit down to a meal when you’re not hungry: getting 25% of the way in and then having to stop is the same as trying for a max lift and failing. The next time you go in, you’re going to have that slightest bit of fear that wasn’t there to begin with. Apprehension may be a better word.

I did manage to sort out a bunch of things in the last few days: the replacement glass for my car window, finally FedExed some forms to an ex-intern, and I got my data stick and on the mobile phone sorted out. On to the next things on the to-do list.

Turns out I was a tad overtraining last week. I discovered this when on the weekend, when I was in Joburg visiting a friend (and by Joburg I mean Magaliesberg to the northwest). I was absolutely wiped on Saturday, like could barely keep my eyes open wiped. I had about five cups of coffee, just to get to normal. That’s not normal. Saturday night I slept for over ten hours and woke up feeling something like myself again.

But it was an awesome weekend. So cool to catch up with a friend I hadn’t seen in ages, and talk, and talk, and TALK (well, we are girls, right?). I think we covered everything from work to training to motivation to family to whether or not Johannesburg would be a pleasant place to live to my recent romantic trauma (that apparently was so bad I nearly blocked it out!) to the relationship-that-isn’t to the striking similarities between the reasons we both ended our previous relationships.

Mainly, though, we relaxed. Listened to some music, ate a lot of food, drank a lot of coffee (and decaf!), drove around, explored some caves. I was fascinated by the giant underground lake in the caves. All I could think about was The Hobbit because if Gollum lived in South Africa it would be in this giant dark, wet, cold, cavern. And, Cape Town being what it is, I ran into someone that I knew from Cape Town while we were having dinner in Parktown. Didn’t see any prawns however.

My conclusion? I could live in Joburg. The level of security is extreme (when my driver picked me up from the airport we were tailed for a while by the local armed security patrol – Tactical Unit!), and you are living in what amounts to compounds. But there are nice areas where you can feel just as safe as Cape Town, and there are lots and LOTS of trees and parks. The city itself has a grit to it that I like, much like New York. But at the end of the day, the weekend accomplished its mission which was to get me out of town, refresh me, and make me appreciate Cape Town that much more when I got back. Even the hornet’s nest I walked into Monday morning fresh from the airport wasn’t enough to make me turn tail and run.

• “How many homes do you have?” – Ellie (kinda like asking how many pairs of Inov8s I own…)
• “Oh good, they have CrossFit-branded injury gear now!” – Jon
• “People tend to bash what they are a little bit threatened by.” – Katharine
• “You can’t share the office with worms.” – Mawabo 

Tired

I’ve been experiencing a massive sense of humour failure this week. I have been wicked tired, as they say in Boston. The problem was too much training without enough rest days. I was shockingly exhausted after Saturday’s workout and should have rested Sunday but didn’t, Monday we had the finals of the quarterly challenge at the gym, and then Tuesday was team practice when what I REALLY needed was a rest day. I spent all day dreading going to the gym, which is a good indication that I really need to rest. Luckily the team workout was super fun, and I felt better than I thought I would, possibly just because of how much I really enjoy that feeling of teamwork, communication, and camaraderie.

Not to mention I am having a general annoyance with myself for not finishing projects started ages ago. My aunt is (with justification) nagging me that I should sort out getting my cats imported, and even the car guards are nagging me that I should get the window fixed in my car (someone broke a window over a month ago and I still haven’t gotten it fixed). It was only after about a week of no internet at home when my old contract expired and, what, a year and a half of paying pre-paid mobile rates because I didn’t want to take the time and the hassle of a credit check to go on a contract with one of the local phone companies before I finally dealt with the situation.

Yep, I have a definite procrastination problem. Wayne Gretzky would not approve. But of course, when things are a mission it’s so easy to get caught up in all the little things you can busy yourself with. And, we are all masters at rationalising our own behaviour right? But at the same time, it’s always easy to prioritise what you want to do or what is easier over what is a pain in the neck. Having a smashed car window has some definite advantages. The main reason I’m getting it fixed now is that the rainy season is coming. Maybe one of these years I’ll be mature enough NOT to wait until things actually come crashing down before I motivate.

Yeah, and maybe I’ll start drinking a bottle of wine a night, again, too. Talk about dulling the senses.

I remember when Jobst & Roland were first trying to get me to train less frequently and sleep more. Telling me flat out had the opposite effect: ‘Screw you guys, I don’t need to do that, I’ll do what I want!’ Kinda like I was saying in the last post, I’m sure they could both happily say ‘I told you so’ but the important thing is that somewhere along the line I figured it out for myself. I wonder how many times we act against our own self-interest just because we don’t like being told what to do? Well there are enough cognitive biases out there, hey a day we don’t screw something up is never going to happen.

As I've said before to get someone, including yourself, to do something, you need to have and exploit an intrinsic motivation. And the line between motivating and manipulating is a grey one, huh? So the real question is, how do I learn how to manipulate myself? Or even more basic than that - what is the pattern for when I do break out of procrastination and actually take action? What is different? Geez I wish I knew, because I’d get a hell of a lot more done. In a way, it’s probably as simple as just committing. 

It was funny though. The process of signing up for things like mobile phone contracts just takes so long. I swear it was at least 45 minutes the first day and 45 minutes the second day. And they still get it wrong (no data on my phone and my internet isn’t working because they never RICAd the SIM chip). And ordering the glass for the car? Yeah I could bitch about that too, but actually these things don’t really bother me. They just are what they are. What I resent is the opportunity cost, but hey, part of life is the drag, right? Next up is the monumental mission of calling the 45+ cargo companies that fly out of Boston to survey them on rates & pet handling policies. God help us all.

Speaking of Boston and God help us all, I had quite a laugh the other day when I walked into a local store called Sportsman’s Warehouse and saw a huge poster of Tom Brady (an Under Armour ad). At first I didn’t think much of it. Then I did a double-take, and actually started commenting out loud to the person I was with (who of course had NO idea who Tom Brady was). I just had to laugh out loud. Tom Brady reduced to a fashion model. Wow.

I would say that my biggest achievement of the week was finishing up a time sheet system, as well as some drafts of some marketing collateral and contracts, all of which had been on my to-do list for ages and ages. I also played web developer, which was sort of fun and sort of annoying. Jack of all trades, master of none. One of these months I’d like to be able to do my actual day job.

Happy to report that both my ankle and back/side injuries are much improved (even Dr Lan says so, which means it must be so!). In the team workout Tuesday night we had to do heavy (24kg) kettlebell swings. I was a bit apprehensive at first because that puts strain on the lower back and I hadn’t swung a heavy kettlebell since October, before I got that massive injury (big muscles take a looooong time to heal). But not only did it feel fine, but that kettlebell felt SUPER light in comparison to how it once did. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t practice something for 4 months but get a lot fitter in that time period. It was also my first time doing rope climbs since the ankle sprain, and those also were fine if inefficient because I haven’t had a chance to practice my technique obviously.

But I guess it’s just one of those up-and-down weeks. I get stuff done, don’t get other stuff done, and just generally laugh at myself. Monday’s challenge was funny because it was overhead squats (which are one of my weaknesses) and toes to bar, which I most definitely did NOT feel like doing after Saturday. I was quite happy that I managed to get all my rounds of overhead squats unbroken (for me this is a HUGE accomplishment), and I was literally laughing at myself after about round #4 when I could no longer grip the bar to do the toes-to-bar. I told my judge: ‘Yeah, this is where it all falls apart.’

This morning I had a somewhat disappointing max for day effort at overhead squat followed by an 8kg PR on front squat (I KNEW those percent lifts were far too easy), followed by a few mental fails. Then I learned what workout 12.4 is, which contains three of my weaknesses all wrapped up into a cute little package. Oh well, it is what it is, right? Laugh a bit, suck it up, and move on.

The quote in my friend’s email signature was a good slogan for the week: "Take your work seriously, but never yourself." – Booth Tarkington

• “That was amazing, by the way.” – Chris
• “I can see that you’re tired.” – Jeff
• “I’m very interested to see your reactions to what we’re about to experience.” – Anton
• “If a monkey runs around and breaks all your plates, you can’t very well be angry at the monkey.” – Peter
• “I think that happened a year ago.” – Mandy
• “Have fun with the muscle ups.” – Roland (LOVE that positive attitude!)

On Being Right

Why do we feel the need to be right all the time? Why, when we know full well that who’s right or wrong is long forgotten but when you make someone feel like an ass, they keep that with them for a long time? Why is winning the point sometimes more important to us than keeping a friendship together?

One of my dearest friends and I didn’t speak for nearly … two years? All over something stupid, and both of our pride kept us from reaching out to say ‘I was wrong, let’s make up.’

At the same time, you can go too far the other direction. I once had a particular relationship in which I had to lose every single fight … because there was just no winning and eventually someone had to be the adult and give up. Thank the blazes there was never anything critical at stake.

I suppose in a way it’s all about expectation management. You (or at least I), don’t get mad when something doesn’t go my way. I get mad when I am specifically told or promised A, and then B happens. Sometimes it’s just inexcusable. Sometimes it’s a lack of explanation of ‘if Z, then B, otherwise A.’ I had a couple of big customer service fails this week, including the kind folks at Discover Card putting my international call on hold for 25 minutes. Their IVR should be smarter than that, I’m sorry.

It’s also partly about the insecurity we feel in our own selves and positions. How many times in a week do I catch myself, when someone has an idea, saying something along the lines of ‘Oh yeah I had that idea ages ago, here’s why it’s not done yet, but you’re right we really should do it.’ Or ‘Funny you should mention that, because I was just saying the same thing yesterday!’ Right? Right. Well, my goal for the next week, and we’ll see what happens after that, is to cut that nonsense out. It’s all about the idea, not who gets the credit for it.

Ok sometimes the credit is important … but not all the bloody time, firstly, and secondly, the quickest and easiest way to get or keep people motivated is to give them credit for, and run with, their ideas … even if you had them first.

I suppose it’s also like QA … no one ever pays attention unless QA fails to catch a huge bug. No one ever pays attention to all the things you DO that you say you’re going to do, or all the advice of yours do take, or all the things you are doing well … we tend to focus so much on the negative. In a way it’s healthy, without that sort of critical feedback loop you won’t improve (my rugby player acquaintance reports that his explosiveness on his cleans is much improved, but he’s having problems getting his arms around quickly enough). But too much focus on the negative and you can create or encourage a negative system of self-talk, which actually does create a self-fulfilling prophecy more often than it doesn’t.

Maybe I was just having one of those weeks. “Isn’t your birthday around now?” “Yeah, it was last weekend.” Oops. “Look, I ripped my hand.” “Yeah I stopped doing chest-to-bars because I was afraid I might rip my hand before tomorrow.” “Well, it’s too late for me now.” Yep, open mouth, remove foot.

I did have a bad-good experience this week where I was just in a lousy, LOUSY mood for no good reason and snapped at a co-worker, and then my co-worker told me to get over whatever was bothering me because otherwise it would ruin my whole day. So I did … actually almost instantly. Harden the f*ck up, in other words. But she was right, and also smart to position it like that rather than by focusing on the impact my lousy mood was going to have on everyone else.

Happy times, though – making some decisions about event pricing for the hub, I got MailChimp up and running for our three brands (ahh leverage…), and a couple other things moved the ball down the field quite a bit but until they are done and dusted I won’t count my chickens before they are hatched.

We had quite an interesting discussion about the KONY 2012 video. If you haven’t seen the video, it’s worth checking out. This blog post sums up my responses perfectly. The video itself is nothing other than well-executed propaganda: they used some great classic marketing tactics (us against them, David vs Goliath, right and wrong, removing the unspecified victim bias by showcasing specific, and cute, children), and at the end of the day removed the despair by making it crystal clear how to take action. It is true …. I’ve known about Kony for years from The Economist but this video tugged the hell out of my heartstrings. However, marketing is marketing …. And I’m not convinced that the solution is as simple as it sounds. It never is. And hell, there’s bad stuff going on in a lot of other places, too. But I guess you have to pick your battles, and throwing your hands up that the world is an awful place isn’t a very good solution either, is it?

I managed to balance being more social (movie screening of a documentary about an Eastern Cape rugby team, our monthly women’s media group meeting, got a comp to a magic show Friday night, shopping mission with Hollie, dinner in Gordon’s Bay with Deon Saturday, Sunday brunch), with resisting temptation in the form of chocolate cake and late-night SMSs that spelled trouble. This is the good thing about not drinking – you’re much less tempted to do something stupid when you’re sober!!

Interesting discussion about privacy, and specifically in relation to our online lives on Thursday evening. One of the girls was saying that she had a scare last year when someone on Twitter kept mentioning all these really small details of her personal life … like her cat’s name, where she had gone to high school, etc. It turned out this was a joke but another woman had actually had a bad stalker experience which, of course got us talking. Sharing, in the world of the internet, is inherently about personal lines. Some people are quite closed. I am obviously relatively open … there is a lot of stuff I don’t share, but a lot of stuff I do. For the most part, I am who I am in whatever situations I find myself and as such if you know me, you’re not going to see anything online you wouldn’t see in day-to-day life. The difference, of course, is the number of people that can see.

It’s like the old argument I used to have with Rob about paying in cash vs card. I know that companies can track my buying habits. I just don’t care. It’s not like I’m building a meth lab. But, I suppose, as with the QA example above … it’s all fine and dandy until it’s not. But in the meantime, I’ll carry on.

And anyone wanting to stalk me … well, if you don’t know where I work and train by now, you haven’t been paying much attention.

Speaking of: You know, I love CrossFit. Except for the bits about it that I don’t love; that same competitive side of it that feeds me also gets to be too much from time to time. I don’t *actually* want it to be just a gym where we go and train; I like the part about how we’re competitive within and between gyms. But it’s just a bit much every once in a while … it’s intense. 

It's also a bit much for the ego. It is so, SO easy to get caught up in how you compare, and how you look, and how people outside the gym respond to you: "Good luck on the Argus!" "Um, I'm not a cycler." "But you look so fit!" Yeah, it's an ego boost. Much as I joke about it, every time someone asks if I’m a personal trainer/fitness model/bodybuilder/professional athlete, it feels nice, of course. But at the same time it’s quite tiring … I didn’t get into this CrossFit thing for that, and actually, it’s a bit annoying to be honest. 

Oh, the Open? Well this week’s workout was 18 minutes long … 15 box jumps, 12 push press (75 pounds/33kg), 9 toes-to-bar. My ankle was absolutely fine … it’s doing its just-in-time healing thing again (I could jump maybe 2 days before the burpee workout, and could power clean & snatch about 2 days before the snatch workout, and I was scared to jump on a box on Wednesday but was fine by Thursday). Certain moves still hurt it but it’s definitely nearly better.

Anyway this time, I was actually relatively pleased with my performance. It was fine, fourth best in the region and two of the people who beat me were from our gym. If I had the motivation to do it again, I feel could have done better, but after 18 minutes of hell I had no desire to do any such thing again. Used my arms and shoulders too much in the push press (which I felt Sunday … yowzers!!), but the biggest problem was the toes-to-bar. Here, I must admit I am guilty of not paying enough attention to Carl Paoli. I did have some grip issues because after the first two rounds I forgot that I was supposed to be concentrating on not having a death grip on the bars, so that didn’t help. More to the point, I was using a very inefficient kip, and after the first couple rounds I got hung up there and lost a lot of time. Some practice the next day set me straight, but again – a good learning experience.

Everything’s relative, right? I’m much better than I was last year, both relatively and absolutely. A lot of people have been commenting about my streak of strict paleo + big doses of sleep, mostly noting how amazing my discipline is. Thing is, I don’t see it that way. Life is a series of choices. For me, once I set my mind to something it’s quite easy. A year ago there’s no way in hell I could go for two and a half months without having a latte or a glass of wine. So that level of discipline, if you can call it that, is also an adaptation that it took time to grow into. And when I do make an exception, I’m sure I’ll take it in stride and get back on the wagon quickly, because this is my new normal.

Until I decide to change it.

• “Snap out of it, Ellie.” – Hollie
• “There’s a girl sitting next to you, who’s rowing faster than you are.” – Chris (I had to laugh)
• “Remember, selling is about conditioned responses.” – Peter
• “I prefer gypsy.” – Brett
• “Yeah but you’re comfortable with your place, babe. Most people aren’t, and that’s why this sh*t arises.” – Fiona 

Failure

I was asked, recently, what is my take on failure. It’s a bit of a dual one. I honestly, deeply, to the core of my being believe that failure is good, and necessary, and an important part of how we learn.

At the same time, I have a fear of failure. A big one. Not sure how it compares to the average person, because I suspect most people are pretty damned afraid of failure, which is why we usually play it safe. Tiffany, a recent acquaintance who lives in Geneva, definitely had the quote of the blog post: “Anything that’s worth doing should scare you just a little bit.”

Right? I mean who wants to be in a job where you are never challenged, or in a relationship where you aren’t that attached? Sure, you have the security that you are never going to be caught out not knowing what you’re doing and possibly lose your job, or have your heart completely smashed to pieces. On the other hand … what upside is there? Not too bloody much. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. Play for small stakes, and you’re never going to win the jackpot.

Easy to say, hard to live. In my case, at least, it’s not actually failure that I fear, it’s being seen to fail. Now here’s the odd thing … I learned a few months back that it’s good for leaders to be public about their mistakes and failures, because if people don’t have known flaws, others make up flaws for them that are usually worse than the real ones. Not to mention that there are issues with being put on a pedestal, goodness knows.

So why am I so afraid to be seen to fail? Because goodness knows I’m not perfect. I try to do the best I can but certainly I do slip up and fall short … of my own expectations usually, first. One of the guys at my gym was getting on my case for being so hard on myself in assessing my own performance. He’s partly right. I do have a lot to be proud of, certainly, but my own nature is to quickly celebrate what I did well, but then figure out how I can improve. Critiquing my own performance is an integral part of that. There’s always going to be someone better than you and someone not as good as you. It’s not about them, it’s about you.

I was also realising this at work on Monday when I was getting a bit frustrated at a situation where we were, knowingly, trying to force a situation. For all the right reasons, yes, but a marketer is not a salesman, any more than a running back is a wide receiver (ah, crap, why’d I have to go remind myself of football … *sniffle*). Reminds me of the great quote from the Tao of Pooh:” You'd be surprised how many people violate this simple principle every day of their lives and try to fit square pegs into round holes, ignoring the clear reality that Things Are As They Are.”

Speaking of failure, or success, rather, I’m going to go on record too and say that I look forward to kicking just a little bit of ass at Regionals. No, we’re not underestimating our opponents, or counting our chickens before they are hatched. But I want us to be the CrossFit New England of Africa, and I think we can, and will. Next year, we’re going to need a deeper bench. But that’s next year. And, of course, in the meantime, I still need to MAKE the team. But I’m excited by the group we have, and what we can put together, although I did have a bit of a laugh at the short-notice team meeting called last night. Maybe I was the only one who had to cancel my evening plans to be able to make it, I don’t know, but the cult comes first, right?

I remember last year being super upset that competition season coincided with autumn, and what a shame it was I couldn’t go drinking in the winelands every weekend while it was beautiful. What a difference a year makes, huh?

Anyway. Another aspect of failure is risk taking, of course, and that relates quite well to the above discussion. Of course you don’t try and find a more challenging job … because you might get shot down, or get fired. Of course you don’t ask out the girl you’ve had a crush on forever, because she might say no, or, worse, she might say yes and then your fantasy is ruined (not that you’re in high school any more or named Sean Kisker, who, by the way, is too busy being a Hollywood bigshot to read this blog often or ever … I should ask him!). But I got to thinking about this because I have now encountered a few couples that are doing the long-distance thing.

Not the Cape Town-Joburg or Paris-London or Boston-New York thing. But LONG long distance, and for periods of time that are quite long, when careers or school ‘conspire’ in a way to keep the couples apart. Now it’s interesting because in a way you think well, that could never work, and in some ways clearly it won’t … until the couples are actually able to live in the same place. But is distance a reason to give up? What if there isn’t a finite amount of time involved, like a time until graduation, but you just don’t know how long it will be? What if you could both, in theory, decide to move to be together … but neither one does? What are you actually choosing? Is it more or less easy, or risky in terms of getting your heart broken, to a relationship with someone in the same city?

I certainly don’t have all the answers. One thing I do know is that it’s painful as sh*t, the long-distance thing, no matter how you slice & dice & rationalise it. But my friend was telling me her opinion which is that if she thought there was really a connection then she would move across the world to be with someone. And she has, in the past, and it didn’t work out, and she didn’t regret it. Would I? Not sure. But I doubt it. Inertia is too powerful. Then again, I fell in love with South Africa and moved here, which sounds crazy, and is crazy. So I guess you just never know. Your whole world can change in an instant, and when you least expect it.

Maybe one of these days they’ll invent transporters. But actually I wouldn’t get in one of those if they existed. One of the few things I remember from my metaphysics class.

All right, enough random musings (I should probably rename this blog Adventures in Navel-Gazing). It’s been a productive first half of the week, as we finally got ourselves a logo we’re happy with for Hubspace (yay, let the marketing begin!), and I ticked a couple of things off my to-do list but, of course, added a bunch more as we are now starting the BEE verification process for ourselves and a number of the enterprises we work with. Not that this causes any hair-pulling or anything. Still, a haphazard start to the week as it contained a lot of meetings, which are good for getting everyone co-ordinated but don’t allow a lot of time for your own work.

The old ankle continues to heal, albeit slowly. There are a couple movements I’m still not comfortable doing, but it’s getting there. Today’s acupuncture session was one of those where every needle that goes in feels like a burning poker, and when I get up I can’t walk straight for 20 minutes, but in the meantime I fall asleep on the table, despite trying to concentrate on my meditation. Well that’s how it goes sometimes, right?

Been having fun with the training though, despite the gimpiness, especially the strength portions. Tuesday was all sorts of crazy squats both am and pm (the morning involved front squats 3x5 at 75% and the evening 7x2 @85!). Oddly enough I can still walk just fine today, so probably I didn’t squat heavy enough. Heh. It’s funny, the satisfaction you get out of lifting heavy weights.

Lots of changes: in the weather, new toys at CCF, big move at the acupuncture studio where I will, one of these weeks (!) start doing martial arts as well. Lots of small vignettes making their impression on me these last few days too: the look of the light on the buildings in CBD in the morning, Lion’s Head being lit while everything beneath it was in shadow, the pink of Table Mountain at 6:30am when I left the house, the saturation of the whitewashed walls of my balcony, the somehow the same yet different craziness of driving in this city. You really do have to be in a right brain state of mind to drive safely and happily in Cape Town. Too much stress and you’re not going to enjoy the process. Not unlike most things in life.  

• “Have you BREATHED since the last time I saw you?” – Emma (apparently I’ve been a little bit stressed since, um, Fittest in Cape Town)
• “Anything that’s worth doing should scare you just a little bit.” – Tiffany
• “I’m not going to Regionals to lose.” – Grant
• “From now on, I want to hear nothing but positivity from you.” – Grant
• “It’s certainly unusual. There’s no question about that.” – Peter
• “That’s why all the people that are from the States are quite happy with it, because you know you’re on the winning team.” – Peter
• “Why don’t you have one and when are you going to get one?” – Catherine 

AMSAP

Another week, another disappointing performance in the Open workout. But, at least this time I managed not to injure myself, and my ankle doesn’t seem significantly the worse for wear. The workout had a 10 minute time cap, and was 30 snatches at 21kgs, followed by 30 snatches at 33kgs, followed by 30 snatches at 45kgs, followed (should you get that far!) by as many snatches as possible at 54kgs. A snatch, for the uninitiated, involves a barbell loaded with weight and you must get it from the ground to overhead in one move (i.e. not a clean & jerk where the weight stops at your shoulders).

A LOT of things threw me off in this workout, but I’m not going to use that as an excuse because firstly, I let them get to me, and secondly, my form was just terrible, which was the biggest problem of all. I’m not sure if my ankle was affecting my form; I think it was even though it didn’t hurt. Poor external rotation in my right shoulder definitely does show itself in these high rep situations. I made it through the round of 33kgs with no problems whatsoever then everything just kind of fell apart. Laa-Laa was right: I should have been closer to 70 reps but I ended at 64 which was quite disappointing. If I kind of wanted a do-over of last week, I really want a do-over of this one.

But like last week, I learned a few lessons here that will serve me well in future competitions. There were a couple of external things that really threw me off my game, and in the moment you aren’t thinking about how to problem-solve … you are just trying to move! But just like landing on the rope, there are certain mistakes you do not make twice. Oh, and I do need to work that technique. But what else is, and will ever be, new?

On a more positive note, crazy excitement in the gym as a bunch of people hit snatch PRs (one girl went from a PR of 24kgs to doing about 4 reps at 33!). The energy and camaraderie were great, as they actually have been in the advanced classes in recent weeks. Although in Friday’s I came as close as I ever have to meeting Pukie, not through over-exertion but through an overly-excessive quantity of forward rolls that had me so dizzy I wasn’t sure which way was up!

But Saturday’s Open workout brought to the fore something that I had been peripherally aware of for a while in the advanced classes, which is that we really need more women. We had five or six heats, of seven athletes … and only one female per heat. That is crazy. I guess it mirrors the entire regional competition where the men’s field is really deep and the women’s … not so much.

In other news, I managed to drag myself out to be social a couple of times, for some friends’ birthday parties: one on Friday and one on Sunday. Saturday, another friend had a mini housewarming party down in Nordhoek. That was also super fun, and it gave the opportunity to see some fantastic light and clouds on the drive home. When the South Africans are also stopping to take photos, you know it’s pretty spectacular. I do love where I live.

Sunday was a very chill day. Other than the birthday party I went to yoga, grabbed a coffee at Vida, trained, gave a rugby player some coaching on his power clean technique (which then turned into a discussion of mobility WOD and CrossFit football, but I got to pick his brain about plyometric exercises he knew, so it was all good), re-potted some tomatoes and peppers, and did some experimentation with my protein shake recipes. Since I learned that many of the anti-oxidant benefits of rooibos are not transferred from the tea to the water I have started adding them to my shake. I think that almond milk – rooibos – hemp protein power is a good combo, and cacao – walnut – spirulina is another. Now one of these days if I ever get back to baking I’m dying to make some sort of honey-rooibos-almond flour cookies.

I’m feeling quite boring at the moment, actually. All I want to do is work, read, eat, sleep, and train (and not necessarily in that order). But, there’s some fun stuff going on this week, which may shake me up a bit. Much as I love it here, I’ve recently been afflicted with a burning desire to get the hell out of dodge … so the weekend after next (the weekend of St Patrick’s Day), I’m going on a trip to see a friend of mine who is staying in Joburg for a few weeks. Not sure yet what exactly we’re going to do, but it will be a change and at this point, I’d say change is good.

Focus can be good but too much focus, not so much. When I was a kid I used to get bored all the time and my mother would become very annoyed with me because she would suggest all sorts of activities and none of them would appeal to me. Well, boredom is a mindset, I suppose is what I’m saying. So is tunnel vision, and I suppose I have a case of excessive tunnel vision at the moment. Either that or 10 weeks or whatever it’s been without refined sugar has caused my brain to go a bit wonky and all I really need is some oatmeal raisin cookies.

Naaah.

• “I'm gonna laugh if he's got like a CF Devil's Spawn shirt on next week.” – Lauren
• “Rest days are the worst!” – Peter