Running with scissors

Maybe I should have titled this ‘running with a barbell overhead.’

So we know by now that I don’t handle lack of sleep well. That last weekend was a massive sleep deprivation nightmare, followed up by a late night plane trip back to Cape Town where I was so exhausted that I couldn’t even understand the telecoms industry report I was trying to read. So exhausted that I bought a chocolate bar for the sugar rush. Not so much because I needed it to stay awake, but because I was so tired I couldn’t think, and there is nothing worse than three hours of boredom while waiting for your plane because you can’t understand your reading material.

I knew I was back in town when I was driving down De Waal Drive thinking about unit margins.

Two days of competition and my body was fine by Tuesday. My adrenals were not. I tried to train Wednesday, despite a severe lack of motivation, and as a result ripped both my hands open. At least when I woke up the next day still with no desire to train I took the day off. Finally Friday I had a proper training day.

Monday night’s acupuncture left me something approaching woozy. I don’t even remember what else happened that evening. Who needs alcohol when you have adrenal fatigue? You can also get that room spinning vibe from doing cartwheels, I discovered.

Bloody competition. That week after Regionals is going to be interesting, especially since I’ll be in Dakar, Senegal for part of it. My first trip to Africa! Thank goodness for long plane rides on which to catch up on sleep.

So, training is a balance. You must balance between training not hard enough and too hard, between training all around and working on your weaknesses.

Work is the same thing. You must balance a lot of different things. What I am trying to do right now is a balance of management, systems design, sales, product management, business & channel development, product marketing, branding, human resources, and goodness only knows what all else. I am lucky that I have a committed team and some awesome vendors, one of which has endeared itself to me even further by sending me unsolicited awesome insights.

So one of the teams at the competition (oddly, not the one that nearly injured me for life), was apparently yanking the 45kg barbell overhead and then using the barbell’s momentum to pull them forward (it was supposed to be an overhead carry). A little bit dangerous, right? Well, that’s kind of how I feel sometimes. Life of a small company CEO in a fast-changing, very competitive industry.

Bryony was saying something about how soccer players’ bodies get all messed up because of the constant, sharp changes of direction. Think: you have all this momentum going one way, then suddenly you have to change. That’s the very definition of stress. Now of course, the bigger they are, the harder they fall, too.

I woke up a few times in the week a bit suddenly. The one morning I dreamed I was hugging someone and it was the best feeling in the world because there was love, and support, and everything was going to be ok. Then I woke up. It’s that old double-sided inverted pyramid thing that Riaan and I commiserate about. Not that you’d want it any other way, but man it’s tough sometimes always having to be the one with all the answers.

It’s this independent streak in me. I do NOT like to be told what to do; we know that. But sometimes, and only sometimes, I wish I had someone I could just tell everything to who would help me share the burden. Or, so says my subconscious.

Maybe it’s also the wake of the Boston bombings. It was surreal in a way to be watching my old home on lockdown, on TV, from Johannesburg. South Africa. Seeing the trees do their springtime thing, and my friends post photos of cherry blossoms and status updates of ‘I’m ok.’ Hectic; perhaps more so than I let myself admit.

Anyway amongst all the frenzied activity, I’ve discovered something that needs to be re-prioritised. I also have an interesting balancing act to do. Something like the overhead kettlebell pistols I’ve been practicing. Those are funny because I can get down but then I fall over backwards.

I think the highlight of the week, in a way, was spending quality time with Doug & Henk, who is briefly in town. Great feedback from the both of them; mostly positive and encouraging but some critical, and that’s good. The only way to keep yourself from fooling yourself is to have someone there to point out the stuff you don’t want to see. It was excellent also to hang out with Henk at the 27dinner. Last time we’d done that was August, before I started. Seems like a lifetime ago.

This week also held the 88mph Demo Day, which led to some other very interesting discussions with friends old & new. It’s amazing the great ideas other people contribute to your business if you just take the time to listen!

Speaking of time, this would have been awesome vacation weather. Indian Summer that I thought was gone was back with a vengeance. It was 30 degrees some of the days in the week. Insanity. It’s like summer days in the middle of autumn, and you really appreciate them at this time of year.

Hey there’s a lot to appreciate. I remember when Nathan used to bang on about appreciative inquiry, which I suppose I kind of think of as ‘building on strengths for children who can’t take criticism like grownups do.’ Not that there’s nothing to the ‘sandwich’ theory of giving constructive criticism, or nothing to be gained from focusing on your strengths as well as your weaknesses.

But you know what they say? Every cloud has a silver lining, and every silver lining has a cloud.

The glass isn’t half empty or half full. It’s both.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, but neither did it rot in a day.

Maybe drama queens have been annoying me recently. Keep calm & carry on.

• “Ellie! Your eyes! What happened to you??” – Bronwyn
• “What’s nice about it is that it’s not just a meaningless graphic.” – David
• “And if you really don’t trust them, send them a .jpg.” – David
• “If we can’t figure out Microsoft Word, we shouldn’t be installing your Wi-Fi.” – Ellie
• “The mind sometimes can’t understand the body.” – Byron
• “I’m still going to send you some reasons. I couldn’t think of any more on Friday.” – Stefan
• “We don’t want them to run out of Mikrotiks too.” – Tim
• “I think South Africa runs on hope.” – Henk
• “I sold him a firewall five minutes later.” – Jon
• “It looks like one of those safety manuals you have in the back of the airline pocket.” – Jeff
• “Here’s your hug!”  - Mike (I wish…)
• “Ellie! It could have broken your shin in half!” – Tash
• “Don’t worry about competition.” – Michael
• “I thought all girls liked doing their hair.” – a CrossFit newbie
• “Well, you look good training.” – same newbie
• “Why would you want to do a triple under?” – Graham (why indeed!)
• “CrossFitters are masochists.” – Louise
• “When I can you know I will.” – David
• “When I say pornography I mean data.” – Georgina
• “Did you hear us?” – Tim
• “I’m tired.” “You’re a startup CEO!” – Ellie & Justin
• “I also waited until the last minute because I’m passive aggressive like that.” – Ellie
• “If I’d known it was with ________, I would have dressed more nicely!” “I think your talking does the dressing for you.” – Ellie & Adam
• “Too early for a high five?” – Adam (apparently my talking did the trick)
• “And I never shot a bird again.” – Elan
• “Something about how we must never fool ourselves.” “But we all fool ourselves, all the time.” “True.” – Jo & Ellie 

Competition in name only

Why do I compete? Why do we compete? I think the answer is different for everyone.

For fun. To win. To push ourselves. Even to see friends. It can get to the point where it takes more out of you than you get out of it, or where the dynamic just isn’t right any more. There can be many reasons to compete but just like anything in its ideal form you do it because you have one or more reasons you want to do it, not for any other reason.

So, I was an injury substitute for one of the girls at my gym who was registered for a competition up in Pretoria on the weekend.

I had actually really wanted to do the competition to get experience competing at altitude but couldn’t find a partner who wanted to travel up (teams were two people of the same gender). So when the chance presented itself, I took it.

In retrospect, I almost wish I hadn’t although it was GREAT to catch up with some of the Joburg/Pretoria folks that I don’t normally get to see in my normal rotation (i.e. anyone who doesn’t train at Platinum).

Firstly, I am not even sure you could call this a competition. The judging was so bad they may as well not even have bothered having judges.

Secondly, I got injured. Luckily it was in the semi-final workout, or else we would have had to withdraw. What really gets to me about this is that I got hurt because some other people were being sloppy and stupid. Everyone has their pet peeves in the gym. The people who spill chalk. The people who don’t put their stuff away. Mine? People who drop their weights from overhead without controlling them.

One of the teams in the lane next to us dropped a 45kg barbell from overhead and it bounced into our lane – straight into my knee. And this was AFTER I noticed it coming and jumped out of the way so it didn’t hit me at full force. On the day I couldn’t squat or even bend my knee, and I was afraid to bend it too much because it looked like a blood vessel was going to burst through the skin. When I get injured and it’s my own fault that’s one thing. This was something else and for a while there I was very worried and very upset.

The event organising could have been better. It was held on this rooftop events arena which was awesome … except that the first day was absolutely pouring rain. So we did the first two events inside, in something resembling a Fight Club style garage gym setup. As a competitor, this was pretty epic actually, and I was personally happy that they had to sub handstand pushups for pullups in the second workout.

My main purpose in competing was to get a sense of how I compete at altitude. I now have some sort of answer, although individual competition is different of course. I also wanted to check the capabilities of the competition. Conclusion: I have some stuff I need to work on, but in some other areas I’d say I match up pretty well.

But here’s the thing. In any competition even if you’re not expecting to win, you want to know how you place. The clock broke in our first event so they basically just made up a time for us that I have good reason to believe is way off; putting us in 14^th place when we should have been more like 6^th.

And then there’s the judging. It does make me angry to do a workout as you are supposed to, with the correct standards of movement, and then see teams that no way on earth should be beating you, beating you because they weren’t.

One of the guys at the competition said it best: it was actually an embarrassment to be part of an event like this, and it was the first he’d heard of a split snatch being a power snatch with a Boksburg shuffle (you had to be there).  

At the end we finished out of the running for the finals which is probably fair at the end of the day as the strongest 3-4 teams did get through. Our final place mattered to me less than how we did, which I think is really well outside of the last workout where I struggled with the hang cleans. That beautiful moment when the world vanishes down to a single point of focus & concentration. THAT might be why I compete.

Hell, I have no idea why I compete. Because I like it. Because it’s fun? Probably just because I’m competitive.

Here’s the thing though: there were actually two types of teams at this competition. The teams that did things properly and the teams that cheated as much as their judge would allow. Make that three types of teams: the ones that did it right, the ones that intentionally cheated, and the ones that unintentionally cheated. Yes, there is a line at which we probably all have questionable reps because you’re moving fast and if a judge doesn’t call you out you might short a range of movement a little. And then there’s the other stuff.

But this, all of this, did not go unnoticed. In a way it may make the community stronger. It sure as hell acted as a topic of conversation for the weekend which is really a shame because there were some more interesting things than that to be talking about. My personal favourite was my teammate, Tash King, doing hang cleans at nearly her bodyweight. That was inspiring.

I will say that I really did enjoy catching up with some of the other community members, especially Lorinda and Anneke who I never get to see. I did manage to make some new friends & fans. It’s weird this fandom thing, and how having an audience can either push you or make you more nervous. But I am definitely a fan of certain athletes (male and female), and not fans of others. I also do have my own fans, and you can tell the real ones because they go out of their way to congratulate you on the workout where you struggled..

All in all, though, while the judging may have been shocking and I may have gotten injured (as it turns out, not too badly), I came away inspired. Inspired to get better, at least.

I will admit, on Saturday night I did have a little bit of an ethical debate as to whether or not we should start cheating along with the rest. But no, I/we have a reputation. This was accompanied by a debate about whether or not we should withdraw in protest as another team did, which was also a bit of silly pettiness.

As a competitor you like to win. You also don’t (or shouldn’t) like people talking behind your back about whether you’re ignorant or just unethical, taking advantage of inexperienced judges and bad organisation.

Actually, I’m probably projecting. That’s why so many athletes take steroids & other garbage. The end justifies the means?

Well, we have a hard-wired sense of right and wrong. The research proves it. Its origin is that you can’t have freeloaders or cheaters or pathological liars in a pack. It’s bad for the pack. But then again, to be completely fair, we did our pistols the way the other teams did. Not sure why; maybe we were too fed up at that point. So we’re not exactly ‘perfect’ competitors either. But at least we didn’t touch our other foot to the ground.

While I’m complaining I want to take another crack at Vodacom. Oh my word. Their data doesn’t work in Cape Town. Their data doesn’t work in Pretoria. Their data doesn’t work in South Johannesburg. And yet we’re locked into a contract. It’s so obnoxious to have to carry around an MTN SIM card just so if I need data I can get data. Even still, it’s intensely frustrating to be at an event like this and have your mobile phone battery die around 2pm when you’re barely using the phone compared to a normal day, because the thing is trying to find signal all the time, as is everyone else’s phone.

Enough negativity. I really killed those split snatches, got to know Tash a lot better, and I also did learn quite a few things about competing at altitude.

I’ve said before, all’s fair in love and war, and competition is war. Maybe I’d cheat if I really cared about the outcome. Perhaps that’s an indication as to why I compete.

Bring on a real competition.

• “I’m hoping we get to Pretoria and the weather’s changed.” – Tash
• “I had to fix my one bum.” – Lorinda
• “It’s not the workouts that get you, it’s the nerves.” – Craig
• “And you obviously have a gymnastics background.” “Haha. No. You should see my pullups.” – Gill & Ellie
• “I almost can’t even watch.” – Tash
• “Oh, Ellie. Please [do].” – Lorinda
• “You were the only ones doing it right.” – Michelle
• “You’re not here to have fun.” – Paul 

High school

When I was in high school, I was only really good at two things. Track & field and oil painting.

I think this is because there are only a few things I chose to focus on. I probably could have tried harder in my classes, but it took maturity to figure out how to both learn from classes and get good grades. Hell, I haven’t mastered that now. I sure didn’t graduate Babson summa cum laude but I absorbed what I needed to know.

So there’s this Alice in Chains song called Heaven Beside You that we used to play in the art studio my Sixth Form (aka senior) year. Still gives me goosebumps (kind of like Your Decision but for different reasons).

Like the coldest winter chill / Heaven beside you… Hell within

When you’re that age, the world is your oyster, but you are so naïve. The same was the case in my 20s. And now. Wonder if it ever stops being true. That’s probably all in the mind.

Someone used to play that song over and over, and in winter term. Hargate, before the flood & subsequent renovation, used to overlook this stream with some unkempt bushes that would turn all colours of red, orange, and yellow in the fall and then would be this mass of sticks in the winter; seemingly dead but obviously not. I should have done a charcoal drawing of them. But, like so many things, they live on in my mind, just as they used to be, not as they are now.

When you’re a teenager, wow you feel things. Things that nowadays would affect me but wouldn’t particularly phase me, like an unkind word, or something not going according to plan, an unwanted advance; whatever, they throw you for a loop. The highs are high: I can still feel that time I anchored our 4x400m team to victory against a girl I shouldn’t have beat, and a team we shouldn’t have beat. Part of me still loves that high school sweetheart in a way that I just haven’t experienced since. That feeling of your heart being ripped out by the INJUSTICE of it all (yes, actually, there was in fact some injustice in that particular situation, but that’s neither here nor there at this point, it wouldn’t have worked anyway).

But I digress.

Ever feel like everything, good and bad, just hits you at once? Or when it rains, it pours?

Not unlike the weather. Saturday was warm, and since I had been busy working like a crazy person for months and hadn’t been to the beach since December I took the opportunity to join two of the girls from my gym for a beach session at Camps Bay. Lying in the sun is always draining so my energy levels for a friend’s birthday dinner that evening weren’t what they could have been, but c’est la vie as they say.

Mental rest day was good; I was back at it Sunday. We were having some new staff members start so Monday & Tuesday were essentially training days, and I had to plan my training. I also ‘had’ to go out for lunch at a wine farm with a friend of mine to eat pork belly & talk about Wi-Fi. As one does. It was 30 degrees in the winelands, then I drove back to Cape Town and right into a wall of cloud and rain, almost like a different day, but only a few km from where I had been. Sunny and 30 to 15 and raining.

Then Monday was a nice day and on Tuesday a cold front came in, like properly came in. I was out in Stellenbosch for a meeting and you could feel the change in the air from when I entered the building to when I left. That was actually quite a strange meeting, in retrospect. It ended with a name and number being written on the back of a card and a message to call this guy in one week, and a specific message to pass on. I felt like I was playing a real life version of a video game. I beat the boss and got a passcode. Nice, but transient and ultimately meaningless.

I’ve felt that way before, of course. But life isn’t a video game. Brothers go to hospital. Staff get sick (or sick again). Bombs go off in cities you used to live in. Major world leaders die.

But hey the world keeps turning. Much as we like to think we’re the centre of things we are not. Also, I am not sure there is any such thing as a sure thing.

Funny week; initial meetings exploring relationships that could either be big or go nowhere. As they do. Vendors making me laugh with jokes about bacon or issues with other customers. No stock in the country for the next few weeks. Servers going down. Some inbound leads. Adam closing like three deals in one day.

I am now puzzling into what makes people get stressed. I haven’t been sleeping well this week. I keep waking up and my mind is racing. It’s normally when you’re busy with the fifteen things that you know you need to deal with that you see what you want to see and miss something that might be obvious if you were paying more attention to it.

I’ve often thought that if we spent all our time worrying about what people were saying about us we’d probably never get out of bed in the morning. Some of the feedback I hear about myself is very positive. Some is not. That’s the nature of the beast. The interesting thing is to take our own little fragile egos and take all this as information. It’s actually easier for me to disregard the negative when I should actually pay more attention to it. Is it, in fact, them, or it is me? It’s both, right?

Oh, Boston. I do sometimes miss that snow, the colours of the winter sky and the barren landscape with the silhouettes of trees. The cityscape reflected on the Charles. Autumn in every town square, and I miss that autumn now, when I know it’s spring time but it’s not because it’s autumn. It’s autumn here. I remember the wind whipping the branches of the willow tree against the panes of glass in the Muddy Charles as I said two words that I didn’t even realise the implications of at the time: ‘Cape Town.’

I suppose it’s part of growing out of that naiveté of inexperience. You just don’t know what you don’t know. It’s the unconscious incompetence that gets you, that blindsides you, and what you don’t know sometimes can hurt you. Sometimes it pays to be a little bit paranoid.

Just because you’re not paying attention doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Of course, you should also watch your cynicism.

It actually upsets me more than I like to admit, this bombing in Boston. It’s something between outrage and wanting to be there; the same ‘we are all New Yorkers’ that one felt after 9/11, and it was hard living your life on the opposite coast and everyone just goes about their daily business as though everything is normal. Because everything is normal, after all.

In other news, I had a particularly epic PR-smashing day on Tuesday. I got a new snatch, clean, clean & jerk (aka clean & push press), and 500m row. That annoyed me though; I didn’t go hard enough as evidenced by the fact that I didn’t fall off the rower wanting to die afterwards. Just didn’t have that metcon feeling in me on that day. Sometimes happens. I may or may not have been distracted with other things.

In other, OTHER news, I’ve made a joint decision with our coaching staff that I’ll be competing this year as an Individual at Regionals. It’s honestly the best decision for everyone involved. What I was saying a few blog posts ago about getting out of my comfort zone?

Welcome to the jungle.

• “You want a cheerleader, not a coach.” – Roland (actually, I want a coach who listens)
• “Do you really get that much sleep?” – Ravi
• “And they will be loyal.” – Carla
• “He’s so hot I can’t even look at him.” – Amber (seems to me that defeats the entire purpose, and for the record, I don’t have this problem)
• “If you look at a calorie it doesn’t metamorphosise into your thigh.” – Steiny
• “You’re probably like a Joburg person. Maybe you should be in Joburg.” – Dumi
• “The niche we’re concentrating on, which is still quite broad …” – Ellie
• “Usually in South Africa it’s a lot more reliable than the Wi-Fi.” – Jeff
• “I like free stuff, but not if it’s broken!” – Jade
• “Is two Billions as good as a Ruckus?” – Jeff
• “Yeah but Laurie’s crazy.” “So is Ellie!” – Riaan & Kora
• “And seriously, we need to buy more of that cake!” – Rudolph
• “Great clean. Lousy jerk.” – Chris
• “So, should we adopt him?” “Who is we?” “You and me.” “I haven’t even met him yet!!” – Doug & Ellie
• “Don’t tell him that.” – Doug
• “I don’t have time to be vindictive.” – Ellie
• “How was your day at the office?” “I can’t remember.” – James & Ellie
• “It’s sort of like an upside-down handstand pushup.” – Grant 

Being on drugs

Look, I do live a pretty healthy lifestyle. Although I do sometimes wonder, mostly when someone asks me, how healthy CrossFit at this level of intensity actually is, but that’s another matter.

Or is it?

What it is about CrossFit that brings me back even when I’m clearly injured? The thought of taking an extended time off or even, say, modifying workouts for some extended period so as to save a knee or ankle or shoulder is mildly horrifying. And why is that?

My latest theory? It’s a psychological addiction. You make up excuses for what you really want to do. CrossFit is a drug. The intensity is a drug. We haven’t had that much intensity lately because our program doesn’t call for it, but even still that constant variety, that comraderie/competition is a drug.

But that wasn’t the drug I intended to talk about. The drug I intended to talk about is caffeine. Because this one has me in its vile claws at the moment. On Monday I somehow must have had a super strong cup of coffee because I got over-stimulated, over-buzzed. I can best compare it to when you’re drunk and you reach this point at which you kind of don’t want to be drunk any more, or THAT drunk, mildly drunk would be OK but you know you’re past that stage and wish you weren’t. Well, this was like that.

I was not amused. I even woke up Tuesday STILL feeling a bit buzzed, so I decided not to drink any coffee that day. That was a huge mistake. I was fine, fine, fine …. When I went to 88mph for a 4pm meeting I was feeling a headache starting to come on. By the time I got to CrossFit, it was a full-blown caffeine withdrawal headache. For the first workout this was fine. Then I was trying to work before the team workout and my brain didn’t function and I was exhausted.

Then the second workout came and I could barely lift my head. Instead I had to do muscle ups. Needless to say, I’ve had better performances. Mind – body connection was just not there, nor was my motivation.

So I went back on the sauce but took it easy on the caffeine the next two days and guess what? My stress levels were down, my happiness levels were up. But it’s also a crutch. When I’m stressed, I eat. Or I drink coffee, which makes me more stressed, actually. Friday afternoon I was giving a talk to a large-ish audience and I was, I suppose, a bit nervous. These sorts of things don’t really faze me too much; you just have to do what you have to do and sometimes what you have to do is public speaking.

As it turns out, for an off-the-charts extrovert public speaking is not a huge ordeal, but at the end of the day you just never know. Your audience could hate you. You could forget what you were saying. There’s usually at least once in any given presentation where you stumble around a bit, unless you’ve spent hours rehearsing, and I hadn’t. This was not a TEDx speech, and I was busy.

Doing stuff like having birthday drinks & cake with my team. Yeah it’s weird that I eat the sugar (another drug) and don’t drink but whatever. We added a team member this week, Jeff, to help with the operations and bookkeeping on a part-time basis, and then we also welcomed the newest addition to our sales team. She doesn’t start until next month but will be in for some training next week, so we introduced her over drinks.

Busy with coffee with Ingi (!), coffee with Dominic (well dude this is CAPE TOWN you have to have coffee!), coffee with Michael earlier in the week, a conference call with the UK, a meeting with the designers, a meeting with the lawyers, reviewing the March financials, a few sales meetings & calls and LOTS of emails, some sales prospecting and planning, and a number of cross-functional team meetings.

One of the things that recently came across Twitter that I love said something like the only thing you can count on in a startup is that you and your staff are going to make lots of mistakes. One of us made a kind of bad mistake this week. I could care less. Well, not entirely true. But at the end of the day, he won’t be making that mistake again. That’s really all you can ask.

Speaking of my staff, I had a great Freudian slip. I was talking about my team and I meant to say ‘They work for me’ (can’t remember the context) but instead I said: ‘I work for them.’ Which is pretty much how I feel. Why do I want to be successful? Because it’s fun. Because I can. But also because there’s nothing like seeing Stefan come out of his shell, or the smile back on Bronwyn’s face as some of her stress is relieved, or the look in Tim’s eyes when he gets to play with cool new stuff.

My most important job as protector is to let my team fail, and know that I have their back. That’s how they grow. They can be comfortable making decisions because at the end of the day I review most of the important ones, and it’s my responsibility at the end of the day. This weight on my shoulders that I always complain about? Well, yeah it’s stressful. But it’s actually me taking that stress from my team, and allowing them the comfort to stretch and fail and succeed and grow.

Now do they all properly appreciate this? Surely not. That’s not the point. That is neither here nor there. It’s a martyr who wants recognition for doing the right thing. This isn’t about them, this is about me getting to be a better leader and manager.

Glass half empty or half full … there’s always a way you can look at a situation that makes you selfish, and a way that makes you selfless. That’s spin! Call it positioning, rather.

There was another thing that I am again, in my calmer, less-caffeinated state, trying to exercise which is the human interaction equivalent of the medical doctor’s vow to do no harm. I can be a strong personality. With great power comes great responsibility. Rather use that charisma to raise people up  than to whack them around. Isn’t it something like a negative statement has 10x the impact of a positive statement? Constructive feedback is so important, and you have to be honest, but you also have to do it respectfully. Sounds good on paper at least; in reality I am not so patient. But that doesn’t mean I’m not trying to get there.

Oh and speaking of people. I’ve been struck lately by a few times when someone has made a negative statement about someone else that has not jived with my opinion. I guess it’s like reviews of books. If someone I like, trust, and respect, although I don’t know him that well tells me that he doesn’t trust so-and-so because of such-and-such that happened a few years back … well, I take it under consideration. It’s input. This is not reason enough to distrust the person. People change. At the same time, what’s that cognitive bias again? Consistency bias? Or the one where we reject information that doesn’t fit what we want to believe?

On the subject of belief, one of my most firmly-held beliefs at this point is around diet and nutrition. I have experienced for myself how various things impact my body (hello, coffee!), but one thing I have no doubt about is that eating real foods and cutting out sugars, grains, dairy, and processed crap, is healthier for your body than eating as a ‘normal’ person does.

Man the forums are a sickening place. People get into religious arguments about paleo this, Harvard study that, blah blah blah. Firstly, one size does not fit all, and secondly, how many people actually read the studies or the books or just the headlines? Reading the data can be good; I whipped out some stats about which vendors did best at throughput and simultaneous connections on a sales call which I’m sure bought me some credibility with the customer. It helps to know what the hell you’re talking about if you want to claim to be an authority.

Anyway. My friend Riaan is an authority, and this man has now, as a hobby, started to read all of the scientific literature available about the paleo diet and variations thereof. I think we spent the first 20 minutes of Monday night’s dinner in Stellenbosch getting schooled. One of the things I like about spending time with Riaan is that it’s one of the times that I don’t want to be talking about Skyrove, because I’m so utterly fascinated by what his company is doing. I could talk about diet and measurement and sports all day long. But I also love Wi-Fi. What can I say?

Oh? The punch line? Eating real foods is legit. Everything you already know. More salads. Just enough high quality protein. Fats in moderation. Processed healthy fats are fine. Sugar is the devil. Dairy and wheat very not cool for the body. It’s amazing how a change to what we eat can have such a massive impact on how we feel and our level of health.

Speaking of Stellenbosch, two signs Cape Town is getting to me: 1. I do think a 35-minute drive for dinner is a bit long, 2. When I’m parking a half block away from a restaurant I wonder if I could get a closer spot. Oh, me oh my.

One thing that struck me this week [not literally] was safety. So I’m out on my way to a prospect and this person saunters across the highway. Yes, I said saunters. It wasn’t a dash, it was more of a stroll. Who STROLLS across a highway without even looking at the traffic? Granted he was doing it in front of a speed camera, but seriously?? Later the same day a woman with a two-year-old child saunters across a busy street with no notice of the traffic.

But hey how often am I oblivious to my surroundings? Often. And then sometimes just do stupid shit like drive through Brooklyn with three laptops in my car. I sometimes forget I’m in a country that can sometimes be dangerous.

Hell, life is dangerous. My younger brother is in the hospital right now. I wish I could be there with him. It actually makes me want to cry a little bit to think of him in pain. I wish I could protect him. I am a protector, or I want to be. But some things you can’t protect.

• “Delays are psychological.” – Michael
• “You’ve been playing the field a bit, though.” – Michael (this is not a Cindarella story. The knight in shining armour doesn’t come out of nowhere!)
• “I’ll wait. I’ll wait. I’m patient. No, I’m not patient. But I’ll wait.” – Ellie
• “Wait. Did you just say bring along a 3G dongle in case the fibre goes down?” – Ellie
• “And when I say straightforward I mean VERY straightforward.” – Rudolph
• “I’m sure we’ll be seeing you again when the next set of vouchers go out!” – Reebok sales manager
• “I like the part about after he left, the other guy started laughing.” – Adam
• “Why does their brand have to be in a bunker?” – Ellie
• “I embrace conflict if I think it’s necessary.” – Riaan
• “A single success is just a data point.” – Riaan
• “He’s too explosive for this weight.” – Chris
• “I was born in the dark.” – Bane
• “Is this good for your body?” – Bryony
• “Sugar is the devil, hey.” – Bryony
• “Yeah I don’t even know what those squiggly lines mean.” – Ellie
• “You know exactly what you’re doing.” – Mathew (fooled another one!)
• “Lactic acid is energy.” – Grant
• “A cup of coffee is like a few milligrams of speed.” – Byron
• “How about ‘We add value? That’s our proposition.’” – David
• “I’d be willing to bet you’ve already sold them.” – Doug
• “This is a game-changer.” – Doug
• “Some would say, a criminal amount of money.” – Dominic
• “One does sense the futility of making future plans.” – Dominic
• “They want to be disruptive. Which is why you should be talking to them.” – Dominic
• “You’ve gotta watch your back.” “You’ve gotta watch your cynicism, too.” – Ellie & Dominic
• “You were normal?” – Bronwyn  
• “I have 43 connected devices in my house.” – Christiaan
• “That guy who wanted X? You just sold him Y?” – Adam 

Stealing

Before I begin? The best Tweet I have ever seen: @nerdreign Southern girls are told we catch more flies with honey, but I can catch plenty with your hollowed out carcass, so this can go either way.

So Robin Hood is famous for stealing from the rich to give to the poor. No one really seems to question the appropriateness of this mission.

It’s easy to romanticise the evil rich. They’re born with a silver spoon in their mouths or they are disconnected from the ‘every man’ or whatever. They’re why the patrician Paulie boy John Kerry who couldn’t act lost to the patrician George Bush who could (and this was after Bush’s first term, God help us all).

I’m sure I’ve written about this before, but this notion of redistribution and equality just bugs me. I’m all for equality of opportunity and meritocracy. I’m all for working your way up from the mailroom. But there’s a reason that management makes more than staff, and that white collar people make more than blue collar people. Whether or not it’s fair to pay the CEO millions a year while the line cook makes minimum wage is another question entirely … the flatter the hierarchy the easier these things are.

Sometimes there is a fixed pie. There are only so many freshman spots available at Cal. You give one to one person, you deny it to someone else. Yes, many factors to consider. What is fair?

I conducted some spring cleaning (well, it’s spring somewhere in the world) of my apartment this weekend. Firstly, I needed to find some E*TRADE deposit slips, but also I wanted to recycle a bunch of stuff and find all my unworn clothes to donate. I kind of did a half-assed job at the latter. Attachment is hectic. And I can’t find my Strangefolk CD, speaking of attachment. During this cleaning I stumbled upon an Alumnae Horae from my boarding school, talking about the memories of one graduate  who survived the Titanic sinking, and his recollections of the insanely rich John Jacob Astor, who also happened to graduate from St Paul’s.

What struck me? The story about how Astor asked to accompany his pregnant [18-year-old] wife on the lifeboats, was denied, and didn’t kick up a ‘Do you know who I am?’ fuss.

One wonders if today’s rich & famous wonderboys would do the same. I wonder if I would do the same. How badly do you want to live? Would you accept your fate according to these arbitrarily-drawn survival based on gender rules? Or do you think you’re better than everyone else for whatever reason, and decide that the ends justify the means? Well let’s hope aliens never invade or the robots never rise up or a nuclear holocaust or war for water or other such horrible thing occurs in our lifetime.

But it might. Last week, one of our employees had her iPhone stolen, right from our offices. Say what you will about attachment, but that hurts. Theft is just wrong. You can resent someone having more than you. Heck, I can even partly resent  someone stronger or faster or smarter or better looking or whatever than me. I suppose I do, in my own way, no matter how happy I may be with my own condition.

But here’s the thing. Steal someone’s possession, they get over it. Steal someone’s opportunity, or their moment …. That doesn’t come back. That’s taking steroids to win, or faking a test result.

Nice guys finish last? You have to cheat to win? Well, we’ll see.

So this week brought with it the last workout of the CrossFit Open, a workout that might as well be called HELL ON WHEELS. I was just not in the mood. Like, really, completely, utterly, did not want to do this workout. Thrusters? Fine. Chest-to-bar pullups? Yech.

For me, as for most other people, this workout was 4 minutes long. 15 thrusters, 15 chest-to-bar pullups, for rounds & reps. I did the first round just fine, then I had the awkward realisation that I had to keep going. Yeah, not my cup of tea. My head was not in the game. Not that I didn’t try; I did try. But there’s a difference between trying hard and WANTING it and also trying hard. Specifically, that’s the difference between last week and this week. Last week I was in the zone. This week I just showed up.

Similar thing on the Saturday. I attended a powerlifting competition by 100% RAW. This one was a full meet with squat, bench press, and deadlift. Even from when I woke up I wasn’t really in a competition mood. As you may recall, I’ve been having shoulder issues so I didn’t want to go too heavy on the bench press.  The other challenge is that I don’t have the foggiest idea of my max squat & deadlift. I haven’t done a max deadlift since I hurt my back a year ago, and I am not sure I trust my max squat since I set it at a place where I don’t really trust the accuracy of the weights.

Plus, one doesn’t want to fail a lift on that platform in front of all those people. It’s one thing to fail on a technicality as I failed my first squat (double bounce at the bottom but that had to do with nerves not strength), it’s another thing to fail a lift.

So my opening squat at 92.5 I failed, but it wasn’t for strength reasons, so I went up in weight to 97.5 for the next lift which should also have been a safety lift. And it was. Next one, 102.5, also easy. Apparently that max is somewhere closer to 110.

Bench press, opened at 60, that was easy and didn’t hurt the shoulder. 65 hurt it a little bit so I stopped.

And then the deadlift! Best advice I got all day was essentially to yank the bar off the floor. No, not with bad form. Set up properly (I’ve learned a lot about that recently!), but don’t pull slowly, pull fast. Kind of like a clean or snatch where your second pull should be fast. Lifts were 115, 125, 135, all stupidly easy. Time also to re-test that max deadlift.

This sport needs more females. There were four lifters, each of us in a different weight class. Silliness.

Then, thanks to David Cross for letting me use the rest of their equipment, I did my muscle up buy out and then a few more for good measure. I was trying to teach someone else (who gave me the compliment of saying this was the best coaching they’d had on the muscle up in months), but this required a few demonstrations. Well, the more you practice the easier it becomes. Virtuosity.

Speaking of compliments, I got an amazing one this week. After gym on Wednesday I went back to the office, unceremoniously set off the alarm by not punching in the code fast enough, then became very upset at the poor response of security. One more thing to add to the list. But I wasn’t going back there for fun, I was going back for a conference call with California, as one does when a number of time zones ahead. So Friday, the guy I had the call with introduced me via email to another company as a ‘thought leader.’ This is the sort of thing you aspire to, the sort of thing that you laugh at people who try to label themselves that. Quite the ego booster, that.

I came to a slight realisation this week, when I was thinking about whether or not, on balance, I really do like being the boss. Of course, will say my family, you’ve been bossy since birth. Haha. Funny cuz it’s true.

It comes with a lot of responsibility, yes, and the associated stress which is doing very bad things to my body. But on the plus side, I get to take care of my people and our customers.

I’m a defender. I’ve always preferred defense to offense. I’m also a protector. I guess in a way that’s a mantra that works for me.

I’m loving the autumn air. Autumn has always been my absolute favourite time of year. Yes, it means winter is coming. But seasons have their place. Change has its place.

Here’s the thing with goals.  If they are too low, they’re pretty pointless.

If they’re too high, they’re pretty pointless.

If you don’t really care about them, they’re pretty pointless.

Where is that magical line between being detached from the outcome enough that you don’t take on all sorts of inappropriate baggage (like I did last year before Regionals), and attached enough that you don’t show up and perform kind of OK, and stay in your comfort zone? How to get out of your comfort zone? Why can I do it on a 500m row and not a chest-to-bar pullup workout?

It’s funny. I was thinking what I should do for the next powerlifting comp is let coach decide my lifts for me, and not even tell me. Then I realised that is completely the wrong lesson.

It’s NOT how strong I am. It’s how strong I think I am.

The test isn’t my muscles. It’s my mind.

• “You don’t have the Cape Town spirit!” – Adam (apparently you HAVE TO hate Joburg. Whatever; not gonna happen!)
• “This feels like the workout that never ends!” – Hon
• “As long as it’s not cinder block walls divided by tin you should get pretty good Wi-Fi pings.” – Scott
• “Our view is that simplicity will win.” – Scott
• “Our stuff is easier to sell than the Wi-Fi itself.” – Scott
• “Life is too short to be mediocre.” – Lance
• “I dropped the bar on my neck because my arms didn’t want to extend.” – Hes
• “Well, you did want to drive with me!” – Adam
• “…so that gives you 40 seconds for the thrusters and 40 seconds for the pullups …” – Neil
• “Yeah, I don’t want to encounter that wolf.” – Tim
• “Are you saying our page is not user-friendly?” – Ellie
• “Well it would work if you kept the bubbles there.” – Dave
• “I mean, that’s not normal. You don’t redirect something to itself.” – Adam
• “No, don’t shoot yourself. Call him, then shoot yourself.” – Ellie
• “Skyrove is certainly doing some interesting things.” – Kian
• “What sort of hole can we plug. Or we just make a hole.” – Tim
• “Not so much sabotage as modify.” – Tim
• “Never a dull moment.” – Michael
• “Thanks David, for sure i remember Ellie we had a nice drinking party in SF with Finbarr singing aloud.” – Cedric (quote included because firstly it’s hilarious and secondly … I don’t remember the singing)
• “If there’s too much urine, do I throw the rest away?” – Michelle
• “I’ve never deadlifted before.” – Tristan
• “Deadlifting is all about being ugly.” – Howard
• “You’re stronger than you think you are. You know that, right?” – Howard (story of my life …)
• “I even bring chalk to yoga.” – Lloyd
• “The more you practice, the luckier you get.” – Lloyd 

Easter Eggs

I’m still not better. It’s quite annoying, this lingering 95% health.

You can’t train when you’re at this point, at least nothing hard. I thought I was better Friday, woke up Saturday feeling a bit less than 100% but not, you know, sick. If left to my own devices I wouldn’t have trained but this wasn’t any ordinary day: this was my last CrossFit Open workout in a community setting (next weekend is an inconveniently scheduled powerlifting competition).

It was also a workout that looked super fun – 3 clean & jerks, 3 toes-to-bar, then 6/6, 9/9, 12/12, etc. for 7 minutes. Now my high-rep Olympic lifting form is dreadful largely because I revert to a crappy old setup. I will fix this, but it’s not fixed yet. And toes-to-bar …. Fun, but not my best gymnastic skill. I lost a lot of time there. Also, I must remember to breathe! I remember Michelle yelling at me at one point to breathe. Good idea.

But overall I did pretty well. I was hoping to get about 6-8 reps into the toes-to-bar on the round of 15, and I got to 4. That’s not dreadful. I think the best thing I did all day was warm up with 50kgs on the bar, because when I then went to do the ‘normal’ weight of 43kgs it felt light by comparison. It was also good enough, by 4 reps (!) to post the best score of the people doing the workout on the Open tour (this week in my ‘hood at Ballistix!), and with it, a pair of Reebok Nanos that I’d been wanting for a while but I’m far too spoiled to BUY anything Reebok.

Long story short, I didn’t feel so hot after this workout. Turns out I may have not been as well as I thought. I was actually keeping it moderate too, believe it or not. If I’d been fully well I would have thrown my body against the wall a lot harder than I did. Glad I didn’t. It is frustrating though as this was the first time I’d gone harder than about 95% since that 500m row.

These may not be serious competitions, but they are fun. Even as non-seriously seriously as I take it, there’s still a bit of game face in the warmups, and the eye contact & acknowledgement of certain other athletes as we warm up and prepare to go to battle together. This is the community I love. There are very few athletes that I connect with on this level; when we warm up we kind of go into a tunnel with blinders on. To use a Wi-Fi analogy (!) it’s like channels. Some of us warm up on channel 5, other people warm up on channel 7. If you’re on channel 5, you connect with the other athletes on channel 5. The ones on channel 7 are there, but they’re kind of in a different little pre-workout world.

My one friend was saying CrossFit is too hardcore for her. I get that. It’s not for everyone. But it is designed to push you to the limits of what you’re capable of, regardless of what you’re currently capable of.

The mental training is possibly the best part.

I used to look at the rope and feel defeated, thinking I could never climb it. I still look at the skipping rope like that some days, ha!

I used to look at the pullup bar and feel defeated.

I used to look at the rings and feel defeated.

But they were also aspirational. I’m definitely not the best gymnast on the planet, or even in my gym. I’m not the best at pretty much anything (except strict handstand pushups, ha!). But it’s cool to be able to do things I couldn’t do before. Pullups & muscle ups & heavy snatches & 100kg back squats & walking on my hands. It’s like a fun game. Especially for someone like me who used to be an overweight couch potato, busy eating & drinking herself to an early grave, probably with a side dose of adult-onset diabetes and/or a fun autoimmune disease.

It may have its issues, and I may have my own issues in how I relate to it, but thank goodness for paleo & CrossFit.

I’m over the Open though. Really & truly over it. Normally the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is to check the Cape CrossFit web site so that I know what clothing & shoes to pack (true story). This week Thursday I woke up, checked the web site, and saw ‘Open prep 13.4.’ In contrast to a month ago where I went to bed super excited for the next day’s announcement and it was the first thing I thought of when waking up, this time around the exact thought that went through my head? ‘Oh, right. Damn it, now I have to go to ANOTHER web site to see what the workout is.’

True story.

So I have decided to do a buy-out of at least one strict muscle up before I leave the CrossFit gym. It turns out this is harder than it should be after you’ve just done 50 chest-to-bar pullups. They are also really tough on the shoulders.

Easter happened to be a four-day weekend this year which has made business slow. I was pretty good about not working the whole time although I did have the extreme displeasure of doing my U.S. taxes, which resulted in an unhappy surprise, especially given last year’s income. Sigh. Well, as I keep saying, no sense complaining about a situation I myself created.

I did manage to get a TON of stuff done on Monday: some more margin analysis, a requirements/functional spec (I think I may have overwhelmed Stefan a bit, but in a good way!), and three proposals; one of which had been in my queue far too long. We just did a big installation in Cape Town recently and I was reviewing the feedback on that: mostly positive which is always a good thing!

Then I turned my attention to a new market segment and in the process discovered a couple of very cool companies. Here’s another trick: when it comes to vendors or potential partners I like to send email to their info email, or fill out an online form if that’s what they have. Why? Well, how a company responds to such things is indicative of the company. Although I did kind of go off on someone who sent an untargeted email to our info (actually it was sales) email.

I said: “And just as a tip (product marketing 101 if you will), if YOU see a fit, lead with that. Don’t make me figure out how or whether your product could fit in with at we’re currently offering … we’re far too busy to put 2 and 2 together for a solution offering we don’t fully understand. No one knows your product like you do.” You send me an untargeted email without making it clear how your whatever can fit in with our line of business; well, I’ll ignore it. If you respond at all, they’ll probably respond back wanting to talk or something.

It’s not that I’m unfriendly. I just don’t like wasting time. Waste my time and I will be a bit unfriendly, I’m not going to lie. I don’t have a great filter and honestly I care more about getting stuff done than about always being popular. How times have changed. When I go out on a sales call I do my homework ahead of time; I at least know the prospect’s line of business, and ideally have some idea of related items they might be interested in. But I sure as heck lead with why I think my solution matters TO THEM, and then I listen and ask questions because I don’t know their business as well as they do.

It’s a pet peeve. People do not GET product marketing. It’s about the benefits, not the features, stupid. Do you buy a car for the 33 features that make it safe, or do you buy it because you want a safe car to drive your kids around in?

Other pet peeves? Ad hominems. Unsubstantiated claims. Pessimism. Dogmatism. Standing in the middle of a walkway (especially if it’s at my martial arts studio where you are blocking the symbolic door to the training floor!). Having to repeat myself. Begging.

Things that annoy me that shouldn’t? Cheating (both intentional & unintentional). See 13.2. Why on earth do I CARE about some of the scores that I KNOW are not legit? I know what I did, and what I’m capable of, and that’s all that matters. I’m also not egotistical enough to repeat an Open workout just to score higher. We’re in a Region where it doesn’t matter, at least if you’re a female at my level (having said that, I’m not going to qualify as an individual thanks to my one wall ball!).

Also, it actually does annoy me when people don’t see what I see. How can I fault someone for a lack of vision? Vision/insight is a gift. It would be like not respecting someone at all as an athlete if they are not a top athlete. Oh, I guess I covered that above under ad hominems.

Look, we all kind of look up. To the best athletes, to our leaders. I think the dynamic in me where I kind of do want to be talked about, but really only if it’s good, and I really don’t want the baggage that comes along with it, is not unique. Some people, like my brother, do not like any part of the limelight. I just agreed to speak in front of 125 people next week without blinking. But my fear, my biggest fear? Failing to execute.

Vision without execution is just hallucination. It’s why the gymnastic rings are so scary.

There’s also a strange balance between wanting the respect and approval of the people we look up to, and, depending on who those people are, feeling a bit of jealousy/resentment. This is why there is a Twitter account for Tom Brady’s Ego.

People talk about a fear of success. I honestly do not understand that. I understand fearing fame. But success? Do we fear success because it puts a target on our back?

I love my team. I may smack them around from time to time. Sometimes things aren’t as hard as we think, or as hard as we make them. We just need to get our priorities straight and understand where we need to be patient, and where we should, reasonably, be impatient. Someone was saying this week how something will finally be true, for the first time ever. I was quick to caution that there is really no such thing as perfection in business systems. Human error abounds.

The one thing you can be sure of is that everyone at the company will make mistakes. Everyone. It’s not about the mistakes. It’s about not doing the same thing twice, or at least learning from the mistakes.

Easter Eggs: I didn’t consume any chocolate ones. But a lot of normal eggs and bacon. I love eggs. Easter eggs also refer to hidden features in software or design. Our brand is a playful one, and I’m  a playful one. I’ll play with people I like. If I tease you, it means I like you.

If I criticise, it’s also because I care. Even when it’s unsolicited and can be hurtful; I think about it. It’s a public service to tell sales people when they are annoying me, or when their targeting is non-existent. Maybe they won’t learn. But if no one ever gives us feedback, what chance do we have?

The world is hard enough if we are always walking on eggshells and not giving that tough love. Although, as always, there’s well-intentioned tough love and just being cranky and projecting our own bullshit onto others.

I was reading someone’s blog the other day about how she has issues being a people pleaser and this manifests as cooking a separate dinner for herself, her husband, and her son, and loudly banging pots and pans around so everyone knows what a trouble this is for her. I have a bit of the passive aggressive in me. Beats the hell out of a covert aggressive.

But damn, I’d rather be called a bitch than a martyr, fool, or tool. What biases or insecurities does that reveal? See above.

• “You don’t need to rest as much as you think you do.” – Neil
• “See that guy? He beat me by one rep!” “Who?” “Him.” “That’s a GUY, Ellie!” – Ellie & Michelle
• “Oh she said that? Well then I’m glad I [fait accompli omitted].” – Ellie
• “I mean … you ran across the room to see if you could do a two-finger pullup.” – Michelle
• “I’m not trying to sell you sugar.” – Jono
• “Rule number 1: don’t respond while emotional.” – Ellie
• “It may hit you in the head again but it won’t hurt you.” – Mike
• “Yes, please have him come visit us.” – Kresten
• “Is that a good idea?” – Rika
• “I mean you don’t look at a wall ball and think ‘I’m going to fail this thing!’” – Ellie
• “You can’t count your bodyweight as weight in a weighted pullup!” – Rika
• “I don’t think we’re supposed to understand or connect with everyone.” – Hes
• “You coulda done more than one wall ball.” – Laa-Laa
• “We’re going to have to replace the power supply. It looks like rats chewed through the cables.” – Adam (a few weeks ago it was baboons down on the peninsula)
• “He’s weird.” “Yeah, but so am I.” “Not like him.” – Rob & Ellie
• “Can I have my new phone now?” “Yes. No.” – Ellie & Adam
• “I said that I heard their Wi-Fi wasn’t very good. He just laughed.” – Adam
• “Don’t be afraid to get under the bar!” – Jean
• “It would have been great if it had some of these vital things.” – Stefan
• “I have no faith in bureaucracy.” – Kerry