Play

I rarely rest, except for of the so-called planned variety. I don’t rest my brain, my body, or even my emotions much.

Before I came to South Africa for my first 8-month stint that wound up becoming a tad longer, I had heard stories of spring wildflowers stretching as far as the eye could see, and I resolved to go see them. I never did, and I’m busier now than I’ve ever been so I figured what the heck, I’ll go see them this year and continue up to see my lovely friend Aliwiya, who I met in Cape Town, and who now lives in Upington.

Long trip, but although I’ve never read Jack Kerouac even, I love to drive, I love the open road and the space it gives you, to see a place, and this place is a magical, special, fantastic place.

Some people run long distance and claim they get clarity of mind through the moving meditation. I get bored with running. But I can drive all day! This is why I also hate driving at night or on a boring road (I-89 in New Hampshire, for example). I like stimulation.

Anyway. I had meant to go out an earlier weekend but then I changed it to suit someone else’s schedule (work first …!), but finally I did go. Before leaving, however, I firstly had the pleasure of a great breakfast at Tasha’s with Carla. Ahhh Tasha’s, a little piece of Gauteng in Cape Town. No but really, you look at the clientele and you may as well be sitting in Sandton. Two girls in their gym clothes didn’t quite fit in, but then again, Carla and I don’t quite fit in anyway. Not that we care, especially.

THEN I got to do something that I had been waiting for literally for a year, which was to go play with the new tech being developed by my friends at HealthQ. And by play with, what I mean is be guinea pig for. They made me race up and down the street which was probably more fun for me than for poor Nicol who had had three hours of sleep the night before, and had to run with me!

But what I was really looking forward to was putting their device through a CrossFit workout, and to see the results of said workout. Haven’t seen the results yet, but I was there for them, not for me. I did design a workout specifically to cause metabolic failure as soon as humanly possible. It was originally going to be burpees, running, and dumbbell push press but then to keep the geographic area small I modified it to be just burpees and dumbbell thrusters in small enough sets that I could always keep going at a very high pace.

The problem was, I was actually too effective at designing the workout because by about one minute in I wanted to die! You just can’t go at that pace for too long. I did well though at going into that pain cave where you don’t know what’s going on around you. AMRAP5 of silent pain.

Then I took a rest and did it again for another two minutes and this time … oh my word the second minute was probably one of the longest minutes of my life!!

I guess I was right with what I told Rick a few weeks back – CrossFit is my ‘me time.’ And qigong is my parasympathetic ‘me time.’ But I should really just chill out on a hammock reading a book. And maybe one that’s not about physiology or Olympic lifting or macroeconomics or behavioural psychology. Yeah, right! I’m not even fooling myself here!

Afterwards I stayed around for another two hours or so chatting. I did know better, because winter nights are short and I dislike driving in the dark, but … I was enjoying myself.

Finally I did hit the road and one thing I forgot about was that driving on the South African national highways is really not relaxing! The roads are quite narrow often, and then you have to be constantly overtaking slow-moving vehicles. So you can’t just zone out and look at the scenery … you have to be constantly on your toes.

Which I guess is a metaphor for this whole country. Everything is a metaphor, everything is everything.

I overnighted at a guest house in Springbok and the next morning was something like an extract from Twin Peaks. But I did learn something – apparently if you don’t rest your brain you can go mad. Not sure if this is true. But it sounds like it could be.

So, resting! Loving the beauty of the Northern Cape, and the warm embrace of loving friends. Carla said it well: when people are similar, they know it. And we embrace our time together. Aliwiya may be like J, where I will see her once or twice a year but when I do, it’s quality time.

Everything comes down to that. When you run, run. When you rest, rest.

When you play, play.

• “I suppose I don’t need to move to Joburg. If I ever miss it I can just come sit here!” – Ellie
• “When people are similar, they know it.” – Carla
• “I like these kind of ‘no filter’ relationships.” – Carla
• “You stop when you’re done. Or when time runs out.” – Ellie
• “I did say that, didn’t I? I’m beginning to regret I said that.” – Ellie
• “There goes the lawn.” – Nicol
• “It’s an unwritten rule of parenthood that if you send your kids to UCT, they don’t come back.” – overheard at breakfast
• “I’m an athlete. My drug is dopamine.” – Ellie
• “We’re all being groomed for something.” – Aliwiya
• “And the worst thing is that the ones that suffer are the children.” – Aliwiya 

History is people

I am a student of people. I’m an extrovert, I like people, and I like to read about behavioural psychology. I started this as a way to understand myself better, which is always important, but between this and maybe just growing up (??) I’ve developed a pretty decent instinctual understanding of people.

I have a new … geez not at all sure what to call him. Not quite friend … not at all sure what to say. Guy I may be doing business with will do.

Interesting character. Fascinating, in fact. He taught me a few lessons in just a few days. Mainly he taught me that he scares me because he’s one of the smartest, and most lateral thinkers I think I’ve ever met. Now this is a compliment from someone who considers herself pretty smart, a pretty good lateral thinker, and a pretty good piecer together of puzzles.

I often see myself in other people but this time … it was weird. Same sense of humour, same filter problem, same ability to see implications beyond what most others see, same ability to read other people.

He said it best, and I quote: “Every time I see you, I learn more. And I get more and more scared.”

I’m scared because this man sees things in me that most others don’t, and faster than most other people who figure me out. He gets that I’m flexible, and understands the value in that I see complex relationships between people, politics, organisations, etc.

It’s not enough just to see value. Getting things to happen requires people, and knowing what people want, what are the realities on the ground, etc. I’ve learned my sales pitch for my target markets, and it’s getting better and better every day.

But heck enterprise sales takes so long sometimes I wish for the simple joys of product management: make it so. Yeah. Once you go broad it’s hard to go narrow. This damn job is ruining me for life.

Back to my friend. I won’t say I underestimated him. But I underestimated his EQ.

My first clue was that he does his homework. By the time we arrived at dinner a few days ago, I’d discovered that he had me at a disadvantage because he not only knew that I did CrossFit, but he’d checked out some of my competition results, and learned enough about the sport to draw certain conclusions about me, all of which were pretty well true. I’m persistent (stubborn), I’m strong, but most importantly – I am always trying to push the limits of what I’m capable of. It’s not enough just to compete, it’s that drive of always getting better, always lifting more weight, etc.

There’s other things, but it’s the offhand comments that give away the insight. If you know what to listen for.

So here’s what I learned. He’s a student of history; history of many countries all over the world. He knows more about American history than I do, and that’s just sad.

But by understanding history you understand people. Why leaders did what they did, why people reacted as they did, why, say, Ethiopia, is so resistant to foreign ownership in key sectors. It’s a funny thing to be in the presence of such a personality, who is unassuming and yet has the most gravitas in the room. Fascinating.

Anyway. Crazy week at work as it was a short week for me. Everything from meetings about a big deployment to playing a strange sort of matchmaker to an internal reorg to a product planning meeting to various different business development lunches to giving product advice to a potential vendor to a meeting with one of my favourite vendors where, I kid you not, the trigonometry came out. Well, I guess angles are important in this game. Not my job. I just sell solutions.

I had no idea this job was going to take me to the places it’s now taking me. But it is. I’m not complaining.

Nor am I along for the ride. As Jax Panik put it so well: ‘I don’t roll with the punches. I hand them out.’

Speaking of … I LOVE my coach. OK I hate him too. But wow am I loving this programming. It’s a great mix of strength, technique, and metcon (you know, classic CrossFit), and variety. I can see how it builds better athletes, and very rapidly, because I can see the logical structure behind it. My gymnastics have always been a weakness but I actually got a compliment this week on my chest-to-bar pullups while out playing with the coach at CrossFit City Bowl.

And, it turns out I’m pretty good at kipping handstand pushups if forced to practice them. It’s just a matter of being forced to do what you don’t necessarily want.

Being comfortable being uncomfortable: that is CrossFit, and that is my life across most levels. But as I said the last post, there are things that scare me, sure. CrossFit is funny. You can be lying on the floor writhing in pain and an hour later be at work like nothing happened. Very little that happens in the board room can scare me. You win some, you lose some, the worst thing you can really lose is face.

Evil Jackie? That was emotional. I feel like we have a ‘get on the rower and die’ every week.

But hey, if you can face that you can face anything.

• “That’s nothing!” “I know.” – my Sunday night date & me
• “But how can they do that, when they’re losing so much money?” “I don’t know! But they are!” – my date & me
• “Yes. I would love to see that email. And I will be very careful what I do with it, I promise.” – Ellie
• “A bottle of brandy and two 4Mbps lines.” “Wait. Who’s buying the brandy?” – Rudolph & Ellie
• “Well played.” – Rudolph
• “So… I believe you’ll be breaking our toys on Thursday. Can’t wait!!” “YOU can’t wait?” – Nicol & Ellie (seriously, I’m the one being pushed to metabolic failure. I fail to see why others could be more excited than I am)
• “The trick is to outrun everyone else. As quickly as possible.” – a very smart man
• “This has real momentum to it.” – same guy
• “This is so bloody exciting. But let me tell you:” – same guy and I forget what he said next
• “I feel like we’re selling cocaine. But it’s only Wi-Fi.” – Ellie
• “They’re the ones that could upset the apple cart.” – Rudolph
• “The better you play that the better it will be for everybody.” – Jeff
• “I think he’s one of the most well connected people in Cape Town.” – Rudolph
• “Metabolic failure … definitely not muscle failure.” – Riaan
• “Avoid asking questions to which you don’t want to know the answer.” – Ellie
• “And if your credit card company doesn’t have fraud protection, you should get a new credit card.” – Ellie
• “LA is a highway. Joburg is a shopping mall.” – a fan of Cape Town
• “I made a mistake.” “What was your mistake?” “Alcohol.” – me & anonymous friend
• “Every time I see you, I learn more. And I am more and more scared.” – a partner
• “What we’re trying to do, no one has done anywhere else in the world.” – same guy (maybe this should scare me but it doesn’t)
• “You’re more than a competitor.” – a student of people
• “I wondered why you were so calm.” – Adam
• “So many bills. Can’t we just stop buying some of these things? I’m going to go book a flight to Joburg.” – Ellie
• “How do I phrase this, now?” “Carefully.” – Rudolph & Stefan
• “Why is that going to be a problem?” “I don’t know. I just have a feeling.” – Ellie & Stefan
• “We’re going to need 20,000. For Cape Town alone.” – Rudolph (at this point, Stefan dropped his pen in shock and it rolled across the table)
• “The areas I think we can sell to is –” “All of them.” – Adam & Rudolph (love my boys!!)
• “Force them. That’s a good idea.” – Tamas
• “I told you I wanted one for Christmas.” – Ellie
• “I’m always drinking.” – Elizabeth
• “I have learned one thing. If you close your eyes you’re never going to see anything.” – Peter
• “Nothing much, just an orchestrated attack on churches, police stations, government buildings, and civilian property.” – Maged
• “Air can be bad any time. But hard to turn down an AK-47.” – Mom 

The body image post

This one has been a long time coming but it’s reached a critical mass of other people blogging about this topic.

So we have little Tash, who weighs 58 kgs (that’s less than 130 lbs for you Americans out there), whose tiny body and strength to weight ratio are the envy of most girls in our gym, including myself, complaining that she can’t quite get over the number on the scale being so high.

She knows she’s being ridiculous. I mean, she was in bloody Cosmo with ‘body of the month’ or some such not too long ago. And yet.

You have an ex-model who couldn’t stand the meat-market casting-calls and feeling like the ugly duckling in the room full of taller,skinnier, prettier competition. When you think about it, being a model might sound like fun but how hectic to be looked up and down and judged solely on how you look, and most of the time you’re not the right look, and no matter what you do you feel like you can never measure up? And at a certain point, you start to internalise the feedback, however unfair and unrealistic?

So you can be healthy, and happy, and good looking enough, and yet want to be model gorgeous at all times, and successful in your career, and a good wife/girlfriend … where does it end?

You have my beautiful friend Katie, who is literally uncomfortable in her own skin.

I was once told, before I was old enough to understand: Beauty is as beauty does.

What I posted in the comments section of Katie’s blog included the following:

It’s a crazy thing in this day & age that we let other people’s opinions colour our own opinions of ourselves and our confidence. But we do.

I also hide my face behind makeup. So do most of us. Even minor flaws aren’t tolerated in a society where you’re expected to be perfect.

And then there is our Africa Regional winner, Carla Nunes da Costa, writing a blog post on body image that gets something like 22K hits after The CrossFit Games shares it.

Here’s an excerpt:

So there I was at the CrossFit Games, I was about to embark on a massive journey, and one of my stumbling blocks is a pair of shorts I was given. After all "who wants to see those chunky legs and that cellulite! There will be cameras!"  Really Carla? Really?! 

Yep. I know that feeling well.

There is very little to say that hasn’t been said before. Yes, men have body issues too. Yes, a lot of this is a bit ridiculous.

Actually, it’s navel gazing to an extreme level.

I every once in a while make an insensitive comment about my own current level of ‘fatness’ when I am not really fat at all, to someone who actually is legitimately a bit overweight. They almost always call me on it. Because REALLY I should watch what comes out of my mouth and the effect it has. Yeah I’m carrying around a bit more than I should be. But it’s winter, it’s the off season, and why the heck am I so damn vain?

Why is it that I have to go to the gym with foundation on lest someone see my spots? Why it is that when I am running late for a plane and I go to the airport without any makeup on but a huge grin on my face because I’m happy, everyone smiles at me anyway just like normal?

I think the question isn’t why we’re none of us completely satisfied with how we look. That’s kind of the human condition. At the end of the day I’m pretty satisfied with my appearance, and whatever the reason for that, I don’t know, I don’t care, I don’t question: but given that my little insecurities become interesting for self-analysis or self-parody, but they are not paralysing.

Sometimes I’m the prettiest girl in the room in my own opinion. Sometimes I’m not. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder anyway. Usually it doesn’t really matter.

The question isn’t even why do we care so much what other people think. We know the answer to that question. Behavioural psychologists answered it years ago: we are pack animals, there is a pecking order, and appearance is one of the aspects on which we compare ourselves.

The question is actually this: why do we feel the need to talk about it so much? It may be this: that if we’re secure enough to talk about our insecurities, it can make us look vulnerable, but in a controlled way.

Sure, ask me how I feel about my body. Just don’t ask me about the stuff I don’t want to talk about.

P.S. I do not mean for this in ANY WAY to make light of the psychological issues or struggles that a lot of women go through. Because those can be absolutely debilitating. I think the reason that many bloggers blog about this subject is that those self-same people are confident, strong enough, etc that they don't mind putting a little insecurity out there. Tash and Carla and the rest know they're strong beautiful women. And if they don't know it, everyone else does.

But hey since we spend so much time worrying about what others think we may sometimes miss how awesome we are in many people's eyes. I see this insecurity blind spot all the time. 

Just another week; same same but different

You lose 100% of the time when you don't try. When you don't ask, when you don't put yourself out there, when you don't give 100% at work or in the gym. The biggest cop out is not to begin.

They say the more things change, the more they stay the same.

This might be true. Then again, sometimes your life changes in just an instant.

And out of this pivotal moment you may think: ‘Gee, I wish I hadn’t gone down this path that has led me to this calamity.’

Or you may think: ‘Is this really happening to me? How lucky am I?’

Or, in my case: ‘That was too easy.’ Maybe the next one will be harder?

Business relationships are like dating. Kind of a lot like dating. Especially because in business if you have resources it’s very very tempting to do everything yourself. Because you can, and it’s easier, and there’s none of this ‘can I trust these people; can they deliver,’ etc. In my position as medium-sized company trying to get big, looking for partners makes sense.

But which ones, and why? More importantly, what’s in it for them?

You have your initial meetings. These are kind of like getting introduced by friends or meeting at some random place. Sometimes you are, in fact, introduced by other companies, or friends in the industry. Then you realise it’s going somewhere and it’s about to get serious.

Then the nervousness begins: do they REALLY like me (insecurity)? Who else are they talking to (jealousy)? Can I really trust them (fear)? Are we really doing things that are in the best long-term interest of both parties or are we missing something (doubt)?

Trust your instincts. My gut has so far, always been correct. When I try and force what I want to happen over what my gut tells me is the reality of the situation OR just what other people want that’s not aligned with my own desires, then it’s been a mess.

Every. Single. Time.

I had what can really be best described as a work date on Thursday night. Took out a potential new business partner to dinner at The Roundhouse (as one does when one is trying to show off). And hell if I wasn’t as nervous as I have ever been on any date, EVER! Sheesh. Luckily I’m charming, at least when I’ve had a glass or two of wine.

I should say, though, that it was an effort to get my charming mode on. I was feeling under the weather. I am going to start calling it Jozi flu. I go to Jozi, have a whirlwind of fun & excitement, then come back to Cape Town and immediately get sick for 2-4 days. Not sick sick … just under the weather and not wanting to train. I woke up Saturday morning, after a massive struggle to get out of bed, and got as far as putting on my CrossFit clothes and socks, and had my shoes halfway on before I realised: I don’t actually feel that well, I have no desire to train, oh yeah and that shoulder does need good chunks of rest throughout the rehab programme. So I changed into civilian clothes and made myself breakfast.

See, I am getting smarter. Slowly. So no gym pictures this post, ha!

So my beautiful friend Hes is getting married. I love Hes because she’s kind and genuine, and wow to listen to her: she takes much more seriously than I do the experience of the new girls coming into the CrossFit gym, and she takes so much more seriously her personal transformation.

For me (see above post), it’s sort of like: ‘Oh ok yeah I’m no longer an overweight couch potato. OF COURSE I’m one of the best athletes in this small region I find myself in. How do I get better?’ It’s a sort of mix of not being satisfied with the current condition but also not doubting too much there current position in which I find myself. Hes gets excited when I, an athlete she considers elite, compliments her muscles in a photo.

Just another reminder: careful what you say, and how you say it. People are listening, as my pal Chris reminded me not so long ago in London.

Back to Hes. She’s beautiful inside and out, and she’s also very much one of those WYSIWYG people that I love so much. Plus, her friends are cool. Her friend Samantha, down from Pretoria this weekend, is another amazing girl. I am so blessed with cool women in my life right now. For a girl who was always mostly just a tomboy, in my growing maturity I’m now appreciating women. The smart, insightful, non-weird ones that is (cuz girls can be weird, mostly by not saying what they think. Boys can be weird too, actually usually for the same reason!!).

I am so happy for Hes that she’s getting married to someone who is definitely the right person for her. Well, they are perfect for each other. You know sometimes people get married and you just think: ‘This is probably not going to work’ but no one wants to be the messenger of the truth. Of course just because the emperor isn’t wearing any clothes doesn’t mean being the messenger is a fun task! But then people like Hes & Ryan get engaged, or my friends from Ask Jeeves days, Dave & AJ. You see those people and you just think: yes.

I’m especially appreciative of the women because of all the men I have in my life. Mostly the competitive CrossFitters are men, mostly the people in my industry are men, even most of the people in my company are men and I am definitely not making gender-based hiring. Not that I don’t love men, because I do, and even a lot of aspects of my own personality are very male-oriented, but you need balance in your life, and finding balance through your girlfriends is an excellent way.

This musing has nothing to do with National Women’s Day. Just randoms.

Jozi flu aside, I did have a pretty productive week. Getting to the bottom of things is always … interesting. But it was a great week! Got to see Henk briefly, who I love to catch up with because I can explain things to him in five minutes and he just gets it. Quite a few other business development meetings, some internal tactical stuff, and, the beginnings of some coaching. I need someone to keep me honest. Also, asking the right questions is key. I realised that to make what I want to have happen, happen, I only need to have one domino fall, and the rest will fall into place. I also learned that I need to stop talking and start making a plan to focus on what is really important.

Unrelated but also true: I am loving my new CrossFit programming. I can see not only that it works, but how it works, and also it’s FUN. And if it’s not fun, why do it? But if I want to get better I need to control the one thing that is now out of control, and that is my stress level. Even good stress is stress on the body, and stress takes its toll.

This weekend was a public holiday weekend. I pretty much took a holiday as well. Resting, changing light bulbs (!), lunch on a wine farm with my wonderful, inspiring, amazing friend Riaan, braai with Hes & some of the rest of the Ballistix crew. Going out to the winelands and Somerset West just makes me happy. There’s something magic in the air in Stellenbosch, especially with snow on those mountains, and the view of the Strand from the Somerset West hills. Magic, I say. Saturday, I went out of my way to see a dear friend of mine, Jo, who lives relatively far from me but I always love seeing her. Plus I love the drive down the peninsula where she lives.  

Sunday, today, back to work.

My cat is fine, by the way. I think the cleaner accidentally locked her out. It was so hard for me, feeling like I’d just gotten a message from a dead cat in my dream to be more appreciative, to come home and have my cat be missing on a stormy Tuesday night. I just knew she was outside (as opposed to dead) but it was dark, and raining, and she can’t hear very well anyway, and you can’t just go climbing about across people’s backyards at night, it’s not safe. So all I could do was go to sleep.

That’s another thing. Sleep. When I go to Joburg I don’t sleep well. Altitude affects different people differently. Up there, I wake up after five hours, on the dot, and can’t get back to sleep. It’s the electricity in the air.

It may be a South African version of Los Angeles, and I can understand why on the surface Cape Town is far superior in terms of majestic beauty, lifestyle, wine farms 45 minutes away …. Well, I’ve decided what I want. I want it all.

And when I really want something, I do try to make a plan.

• “I know more about telecoms than roads; promise!” – Peter
• “I’m going to meet with them.” “Ooh. You like to live dangerously.” – Ellie & Jeff
• “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that and just go back to my email.” “Ooh. Denial. I like it.” – Ellie & Anita
• “They make routers that just aren’t very good at all.” – Jeff (I’ve taught him well!)
• “The company that drinks together stays together.” “As long as no one takes pictures.” – just two Skyrove employees
• “I could answer those questions if you ask them one at a time.” “That was only one question.” – Jeff & Ellie
• “I don’t compete at drinking unless you challenge me.” – Ellie
• “I need to prep for dinner.” “Who are you having dinner with?” “This guy.” “Are you cooking?” – Ellie & Adam
• “I trust people until they give me a reason not to. But this is making me start not to trust people as much.” “That’s not a good thing.” “Or maybe it’s a very good thing.” – Ellie & Jeff
• “They are crazy!” – my secret date
• “They’ll lose two years.” – my date again
• “That’s peacocks.” “Oh…. I thought it was people.” – Riaan & Ellie
• “Either we will break Ellie, or Ellie will break our device” – Riaan (or both!)
• “It’s the most fun game there is.” – Riaan
• “Too late.” – Neil
• “They have an axle?” “They have two.” – Neil & Ellie
• “Not just a pretty face.” – Samantha
• “You lose 100% of the deals you don’t know about.” – Ellie 

Being appreciative

There’s a fine line between being critical enough to diagnose and correct fault, and just being critical. How harsh is too harsh? At what point do you become high maintenance? At what point does self-criticism turn from a self-improvement tool to a re-enforcement of negative self-perception?

On Sunday I ran a trail race. I once used to be quite good at these things, but my metabolic conditioning is not very strong at the moment, firstly, and secondly … well, there is no secondly. I’m just not in ‘cardio’ shape. But my overhead squats are pretty kick-ass … at least when my shoulder and wrist stay stable.

Anyway as always you learn lessons in such a situation. I always knew that long distance stuff like this is more mental than anything, and I also learned that my mental muscle is a bit tired at the moment. I just didn’t feel like keeping up with the leaders, so I didn’t really try, and the end result was predictable.

I also learned that you can’t run in anger for too long. I didn’t start at the front of the pack so instead I had to overtake all these slow pokes and run around them … and as a result I lost a lot of unnecessary energy, exhausted my ATP stores, and wasted a lot of time.

Now on the positive side: it has been years since I’ve been able to run a trail race and not be afraid of the downhills because of my right ankle which was sprained three times in as many years, the last time very VERY badly. This time, amazingly enough, I could actually run down the single track downhills with relative ease. And THAT is one of the reasons to trail run – to just lean into the downhill, let your body go, and reach crazy speeds, all while not being quite sure where your feet are going to land, but figuring it out as you go along.

Monday-Tueday was a Joburg trip. It turned out to be very well timed trip as I met some key people, got some key insights, and started to see just how exactly to make the puzzle fit together the way I want. It’s always good to know yourself well, your own strengths & weaknesses, and also to have a sense of what the competition is doing, why they are doing it, and who you need to be afraid of and why.

One thing I’ve learned is that there are two things I’m doing, that might be the key thing, that the others are unlikely to copy. Because either would be too scary for them, but for me, I have no choice.

On a related point, my positioning is appealing and I can tell because the indirect players in the value chain are telling me so. When you end a meeting and the OOH guy literally hugs the OTT girl, you’re probably on the right track. Just … I have to hurry.

Monday night I went to a networking event and in the words of my pal J … I really do have a knack for meeting the right people. I was having one of those times when I was not necessarily in a networking mood; I was tired, I didn’t really know anyone except for this one guy who I don’t like or trust, who I was hoping wouldn’t see me … so I walked up to the people at the end of the bar and introduced myself. Turns out they worked for a company I’d been meaning to contact but never got around to. An hour later they had introduced me to another good contact, and we’d had a good meeting of the minds.

Then I went out to dinner with a friend who is in the middle of a couple of very rough transitions right now; one of which is to leave his current job. For a number of reasons, all of which I agree with. But heck, that still takes courage and a lot of it.

Courage? So CrossFit, like life, like work, always involves some of those moments where you think: I am in no way prepared to do what is being asked of me. But then again, neither are the other competitors in the lineup, and more importantly than them: to heck with it, I’m going to do it anyway. And no, I’m not going to fail.

One of the things that I do by nature is to see all the various areas for improvement. I finish a workout or  a lift and the first things that run through my mind are how I could have done better.

This is a useful self-improvement tool. But … It may also be overly self-critical, in a game where the mental aspect is arguably more important than the physical. You have strength, conditioning, technique, and then the power of the mind.

I was in a meeting Monday afternoon with a man who is a successful entrepreneur and businessman, but also just quite an interesting person. Our companies are becoming closer partners and each time we meet we learn more about each other, as one does. Somehow this whole subject came up, and he gave me a very clear message, almost a warning: that I needed to take care to be more appreciative. No specific ‘or else’ because there are a lot of potential ‘or elses.’

That night, after my networking event & dinner, I got back to my guest house and there was the 2009 annual report of this guy’s company, with his photo plastered everywhere. OK so far so random. Then I had a dream, and in my dream a cat I used to have came to visit me. This cat was killed by a car after I moved to South Africa (I shamefully admit to allowing emotional abuse push me into letting the poor cat be an outdoor cat at all to begin with … but hey we all have our weaknesses). Long story short, I dreamed about a dog losing part of a limb, then my dead cat came to say hello, then I woke up.

Be more appreciative, because you just never know how long something or someone is going to last. Message received.

Started my next day with a good long training session. The photo above just about sums up that day. Lots of technique and efficiency work. It was nice, actually, REALLY nice since my first meeting wasn’t until late morning, to be able to spend three hours in the gym. Yep, definitely a luxury this CrossFit thing.

Just like ‘when do we see you again’ is a lot better than ‘oh you again,’ it has now gotten to the point where when I fly back to Cape Town it no longer feels entirely like home. I was driving into the city (again, after landing in rain after leaving a stunning day up north), and as I came around the bend on De Waal Drive all I could think was what a beautiful backwater this city is.

Charming, wonderful, multi-cultural, and with character that extends past shopping malls and office parks. But if what I like is getting things done, and you can’t do new things without having those personal relationships, I will be spending more time in Joburg. How much more is the question.

Trying to be more appreciative makes me also appreciate Cape Town that much more. It is magnificent.

I got home that night hoping to see my cat, and give her some love since I’d woken up in the morning dreaming of the other cat. No such luck, as she was missing when I arrived home. If there is such a thing as the universe conspiring to tell me something about appreciating what I have while it’s still around, it would literally be shouting at me right now.

I think I get the message. But what I do with it is another matter.

• “A strange kind of winter.” – Jarred
• “Yes. It is how you going to deal with it.” – Neil
• “I’m just going to sit back and wait for that to happen. Because we need it to happen.” – Craig
• “I think I know who you’re talking about.” “Yeah. I drop really subtle hints.” – Ellie & Craig
• “Approaching --- would take courage.” – Doug (or not)
• “I don’t normally share this with people. But you will understand it.” – Doug (way to give a girl a compliment!)
• “They have a plan. The rest are just lucky.” – Doug
• “We have to control our emotions. So that we can control our thoughts.” – Doug
• “And also, no one takes you seriously [if you don’t live in JHB].” – Byron
• “I’ve never trusted him.” “Your instincts are good.” – Ellie & my Monday night date
• “I think what you’ve just seen is the end of the beginning.” – Lance
• “If you look around the table and you can’t see who the sucker is, the sucker is you.” – Lance
• “This is not a book club.” “It’s not?” – Rick & Ellie
• “You kicked over the chalk bucket the last time you were here!” – Jason
• “Oh my God. I can’t believe I just called CrossFit ‘my alone time.’” – Ellie (but it is)
• “I want to no rep Spencer Hendel!” – Rick
• “I’m not quite sure where this is going but it’s going somewhere.” – Mark
• “No. I’m going to do it.” – Ellie 

The mental game

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. I really like people. At least the cool ones.

It’s also trite but true that you get out of things what you put into them. This is definitely true in CrossFit – the harder you push that intensity, the better the results.

Same could be said of friendships; or even most relationships. A while ago I wrote a post about what I look for in a relationship … any relationship. I’ve been so focused on my work these last few months that if I care enough to spend time with you, I sure as heck want that to be quality time. Not that the people I haven’t seen in ages mean any less to me … it’s kind of complicated. I should call some people.

Anyway. This week I was lucky enough to see one of my absolute favourite people in the Wi-Fi space on Thursday night, followed up by meeting a very VERY cool girl who I hope may become an addition to my stable of close friends.

I was re-reading the post I wrote ages back, and it’s mostly still accurate.

I want to surround myself with people who can carry on interesting conversations. People who have similarly high aspirations to my own, who push me and stretch me, and question me, and don’t let me get away with cop outs (although let’s face it, if you’re going to avoid something you’re going to avoid it!).

There is an appropriate mix of driven selfishness that makes you interesting to me, but when you do care, don’t pretend to care. Actually care. None of this polite smiling then sniping behind peoples’ backs. OK, wait, I do do that too. Shoot.

But there are better people out there than I. People who spend hours helping other people with no specific guarantee of reward. People who get out of their own head to go hug their brother before the final event of the competition. People who actually get emotionally involved at the plight of the beggars.

Someone once said I’m nice but dangerous. I think sometimes that I’m a strange combination of soft and hard. I’m pretty much a softie, unless you’ve annoyed me, or attacked me, or unless I’m going for the jugular. In that case, beast mode on, all bets are off. (running in anger, I suppose)

Why am I blathering on about this? Because everything in life is about the people. You want to sell Wi-Fi? You need people. Especially, to move up the value chain and do interesting things, you need partners and you need to know how to talk to partners and answer the what’s in it for them question.

I’m not saying I don’t also have an altruistic streak, because I do. But there is a part of me, as I said above, that is definitely an attention whore. I wouldn’t want to be so famous that I had to worry about every person meeting me just wanting to be associated with an image of me. But in a small way, this may already be the case. It’s kinda like chauvinism; it might be there but I choose not to see it, so it may as well not be. It’s all in the head.

I was not feeling myself from last Saturday through Tuesday. Just head not in the right place. Mentally tired; physically tired, even to the point where I skipped a training session. CNS meltdown as a result of too high of ambient stress.

Like when you’re sick and then you forget what it feels like to be well, but you do vaguely remember that there is a time when you just feel normal; that’s what this was like. Yeah, I can vaguely remember having energy and enthusiasm. I was also affected more than I realised by some pretty incisive comments by Jeff, making me question just why I was doing all this, anyway.

Back to basics. Doing it for me, to learn. I’m achieving that. Don’t need to be resentful of other things along the way; just be grateful. And I am. My life is amazing. Like really amazing.

So what’s up with the mental game? Well at Saturday gym I watched Grant fail his 107kg snatch over, and over, and over, and over. The boy had the lift. He was under the bar; not quite solid maybe … but it was so frustrating to watch him. His head wasn’t in the game. Somehow this had the opposite impact on me and once I remembered that success in a move is more mind than body all of a sudden my snatch balances came together, and my overhead squat with it.

I’m at a point in my training cycle now where you should be missing some lifts. If you’re not, it means you’re being too conservative with the weights. So my deficit handstand pushups were … challenging. And I did miss some reps. And the overhead squats aren’t as pretty when the weights get heavy; it’s stubbornness that makes the lift not necessarily perfect technique.

So what? So I’m happy that I’m not playing it safe with the weights, but a part of me still feels like I failed when I miss reps. The curse of the Type A personality is that I cannot be perfect, I cannot do everything at once, I must delegate and deal with the lack of control issues that result. Just means I need a good team around me; the sort I want anyway, where we are stronger together than we are apart.

But frustration abounds, nonetheless, of course. I can actually feel the instability in my shoulder and I don’t like it. I don’t like how slow the rotator cuff is to heal. I want to get back on those rings and practice bar muscle ups … but I can’t. It’s so frustrating, but I’ve learned this lesson the hard way.

We’ve been having all sorts of fun things in the programme like this one: 2x max duration weighted plank hold. So you put a weight on your back; go into a plank position … and hold it as long as you can. The problem with this? It starts to hurt eventually, after about one minute, and you kind of have to decide how long you are going to hold it. And it’s empowering at the same time as it’s not; because if you held it for 2 minutes you probably could have held it for 2:10, and so on.

There is no perfect. But hell. The CrossFit is so empowering to decide you’re going to do something and then go do it. It’s not about ‘my warmup is your workout.’ It’s not even about the competition; the competition is just there to make you push yourself harder. And this is why competitors have a bond that is the same type of bond that CEOs have (as I’ve now discovered).

There’s a certain intensity of presence in a moment and focus on outcome that is so intense it’s almost blinding. It can be; actually. You can’t understand unless you’ve felt it. Was watching an old CrossFit Games video where Spealler is saying how there’s of course an intensity to competition but there’s also this sense of calm where everything suddenly gets quiet, and slows down. I’ve felt this, and it’s intense: the presence in that moment. The same sort of thing you hope or strive for in the rest of your life, where you’re so focused on the person in front of you that you do not want even to look at your smart phone.

It takes a mental strength, or a courage, to do things that scare us. To walk out on that floor, to do Fran, to go for a max lift, to call a difficult customer, to take the advice of your girlfriends when they want you to do something you know you must but don’t want to do.

So we’re all of us insecure and afraid of things. Failure, rejection, losing, whatever. This is why it’s better to laugh at yourself and control the conversation than wait for others to laugh at you. And they will talk behind your back, but screw it anyway; you can’t live life under the sheets of your bed being worried about what might happen.

Or so you think until the guy you buy your vegetables from has his arm in a sling because he was robbed and stabbed. And your new friend tells you that the worst thing isn’t a bad Fran time or losing a customer or having to make tough painful decisions involving people, but it’s losing a limb, or getting raped, or dying young.

Maybe I’ll be a Joan of Arc on my mission to make public Wi-Fi good, reliable, free, and secure (here’s a hint: the business models of the future don’t rely on selling throttled internet access). That’s actually only the beginning. Maybe I’m tilting at windmills but if you have any sense of what the future holds and you don’t skate to where the puck is moving, you’re not playing the game right.

Better to be crucified but at least try. I learned some new things this week that make me very, very scared. It’s an interesting and dangerous time for digital privacy and radio frequency air rights, and location-based advertising. There’s a right way and a wrong way to do things, and some of what I am seeing scares me more than a little.

If shaking trees doesn’t get me what I want, it’s going to be time to break out the axe. Bring a little knowledge to the fore, and see what happens then.

In two weeks I’m taking a weekend off and going up north to see the flowers, and some friends. I can use the rest for my brain and my body.

I have a feeling I’m going to need it.

• “Overhead squats! I should really come watch you train; to observe all the different kinds of tension-causing activities.” – Byron
• “He said: ‘Why do I need to wait for five more people?’ They had to hold the mast in place.” – Rudolph (Africa.)
• “Next thing is I’m going to have words with ---. Except I can’t do that yet because one of them’s in the hospital. And I didn’t send him there.” – Ellie
• “Be warned. It’s not a nice face.” – Stefan
• “You probably already thought of that, huh?” – Rob
• “So I’m not a random!” – Rob (definitely not)
• “One thing is clear. We’re going into uncharted territory here.” – David
• “Well I like him because he replies to my mails.” – Tim
• “I must have missed something. Well obviously I missed something.” – Stefan
• “It’s an essential part of training.” “What? Chocolate?” “Snatching.” – Richie & Ellie
• “I’m starting to wish I didn’t have so much respect for you.” – Jeff
• “Trust me. I may be impatient. But I’m also realistic.” – Ellie
• “He should be informed before playing.” – Cedric