“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful
about what we pretend to be.” – Kurt Vonnegut
First, read about the Benjamin Franklin effect.
I think this is true. Scary true. I think this may be part of the genius of St
Paul’s: keep telling the children of the elite that they are the future leaders
of the country, and they will begin to think of themselves that way. I wonder
how much of the person I am today has its origin in what other people tell me
about me, that I then start believing and acting on.
But it’s dangerous too. All of it is a self-fulfilling
prophecy. Or sometimes not: when I have friends who swear up and down they have
some negative trait that I don’t see in them it drives me batty, partly because
I worry that they will become what they say they are. Stop thinking you’re a
loser (because you’re not). Stop thinking you’re not quite ready for that next
job, because you never will be until you step into it. Stop thinking you’re
going to screw up something (or someone) you care about.
Possibly why my lifting improved when I stopped being afraid
of failing at 1 rep maxes and started getting annoyed when I had a lifting
session and didn’t fail (because it meant I hadn’t done high enough). Except I’m
still scared of the squat, which is probably why those lifts have stagnated
compared to the others. Go figure.
Now if I could only figure out how to stop thinking I’m
injury-prone! I don’t specifically want to be injured but damned if I didn’t
nearly sprain my ankle again on Friday and then yesterday I missed a box jump.
I am not even sure how it happened; I was tired and moving fast and I didn’t
make it onto the box and somehow my left shin managed to bang the side or top
of the box HARD. Like so hard it swelled up like 3cm or so almost immediately
despite the fact that I began icing within about 30 seconds of injury. Amazingly
the ice therapy seemed to work because within 1 hour after the swelling was
much decreased. I had seen injuries like this and always kind of wondered how
it could happen. Now I know.
Whatever. A little ice, extra fish oil, and some extra sleep
and it’s already much improved today. Here’s to hoping my box jumps on Saturday
aren’t too excessively painful. Those bruised shins take a long time to heal
completely.
I also spent some time these past few days conversing about
other peoples’ expectations. At this point my work and my sport are two of the
most important things to me. This is primarily because I like them, and I find
something (or a lot of things) rewarding in them. For CrossFit, I have written
about this a lot but I love actually to be healthy and to see the dramatic
improvements, and to be able to do things I couldn’t do before, and that most
other people can’t do. For work, I am learning a tremendous amount, and
fundamentally I do want meaning in my work and I believe that we have the power
to make the world a better place. If we’re not the ones to stand up and be
leaders, then who?
Yet at the same time it’s actually more than that. I have a
lot of affection for Jobst, who runs my gym, and Peter, who runs my organisation.
I recognise some of what I mean to both of them, a lot of which goes unsaid. So
part of why I do what I do and why I do it the way I do it is for them. I don’t
do these things for them, but the re-enforcement doesn’t hurt, firstly, and
secondly, I don’t want to leave them or be a disappointment to them.
Anyway. Moving on. Importantly, my energy levels are much
improved from last report. I’m not sure if it was that I wasn’t eating enough
calories, or my body adjusting to the intermittent fasting, or low levels of
melatonin (love that my athlete friends Chris & Mona are there for me with
advice when I need it!!). When I think back the fatigue has been actually since
the Daisies, when even the foot massage lady said I had some issues with the
adrenal gland. Let’s face it, there has been a lot of stress lately between
lots going on at work and some big deadlines, apartment hunting, prepping
mentally and physically for next week’s competition, and some things in the ol’
personal life. It’s probably a good thing that I’m so sensitive to my body
because otherwise I might have been in the early stages of burnout without even
knowing it. So, additional rest is always a good thing.
But regardless I’ve been feeling better recently. Some
engaging company hasn’t hurt! On Friday morning we had a wonderful speaker
Andrea Pellegrino from New York City (we went out for dinner that evening),
then I had lunch that day with Lucy who is now doing her own consulting thing but
has worked for PWC in the past. Lunch with Lucy was lovely because we got a
chance to talk about her process consulting work and she paid me a huge
compliment by saying that I thought about things (people, business systems, strategy)
in a way that was more sophisticated than many business execs who had been at
it for 20 or 30 years. Wonderful compliment, but thinking about the right way
to do things is only part of the battle. I need a bigger team if I’m ever going
to get much further than just talking the talk.
Dinner with Andrea was lovely. It’s always fun to meet other
smart women, but also visitors to Cape Town and fun Americans. I took her to The
Grand for a drink then to Bombay Bicycle Club, which was a big hit. I wish I
could have talked to her all weekend, but hopefully she will be back early next
year. It’s fascinating to discuss the similarities between designers and
entrepreneurs. I just LOVE good design. I think that’s what attracted me most
about product management back in the day and even now: systems design, product
design, understanding customers and how to fit their needs. It’s all
fundamentally design and problem-solving.
But at the same time you do oscillate back and forth between
being hopefully and discouraged, energised and overwhelmed. Or at least I do. But
it’s wonderful to be able to talk about achievements and disappointments and,
hell, you have to start somewhere.
I am also constantly amused at the experience of being an
American overseas. Chris was very gently commenting the other day about the,
ahem, talkativeness of Americans. It’s actually kind of true! I notice it more
now that American culture is no longer the norm. And the concept of being
exotic because I’m American amuses the heck out of me, as does the concept of
my accent being intimidating. I’m sure these are not universally true but the
fact that they come up again and again means there is some truth to them as
stereoypes and I just find it weird. As if I’m not unusual enough just as I am
(or, indeed, referencing again that Benjamin Franklin blog post, that’s a part
of my personality that I self-identify with so I therefore go out of my way to
act unusual … probably also a self-defense mechanism because most
self-perceptions are).
Saturday was also nice because I got to catch up with Mona
for a few hours, and we went to a braai up in Durbanville. Man that was some
tasty kudu. There is nothing quite like an indoor braai. Americans, take note:
this should be the next theme in home improvements! Mona, in addition to being
an amazing athlete, is also a little dynamo who reminds me constantly what the
force of personality can accomplish.
Two miscellaneous things: 1. New Zealand won the Rugby World
Cup, 2. I filled out my first South African census today. Boy it asked some
weird questions. Way more intrusive than the U.S. version but it actually makes
sense: they need to understand the levels of health, education, and living
standards of the population.
Three, actually: the best way to motivate me is to make me a
little bit angry. I got some news today that made me angrier the more and more
I thought about it, until I saw a status update from the wonderful Misha which
reminded me that anger and resentment actually only hurts me. Someone makes you
mad? Don’t get back, or get even: just step your game up and go about the rest
of your life. To hell with anyone who doesn’t like it; you’ll soon forget about
them anyway.
Friday was the last day at work for one of our interns,
Christoph from the Netherlands. He was (is!) an amazing guy. Smart, thoughtful,
hard-working, diligent, analytic. One of our traditions is on people’s last day
to celebrate them a bit and everyone who wants to says what they feel about this
person. I said something along the lines of the above, including that he always
contributed in a lovely and meaningful way to all sorts of meetings and I’m
really going to miss him. This generated a big “awww!” and a hug. It’s those
moments that you really keep with you.
We also had brunch today, on his last day in Cape Town. I
took him to Sandbar and Sinnful Ice Cream. I reminded him what I somehow always
wind up telling everyone younger than me which is that even though his life has
been great and fascinating up to this point, don’t get complacent. Next thing
you know you’ll realise you’re bored and/or unhappy. The difference between a
groove and a rut is a matter of degree, and it’s too easy not to step back and
think if you’re really going where you want to be going.
Like Chris Spealler talking about CrossFit says ‘Never quit.
Don’t ever quit.’ I would say ‘Never settle. Don’t ever settle.’ Channelling
Nelson Mandela a bit:
“There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling
for a life that is less than the one you are capable
of living.”
- “Yes, there are a lot of problems in the world. But you know what I’ve discovered? I really like cabbage.” – Ellie (yes, I really said that complete non sequitor…)
- “Well, that is what you girls do best.” – Jon
- “It’s gonna be more hardcore. Don’t let the bar stools fool you.” – Jobst
- “Heels, Ellie!” – Chris (:P)
- “Any sport is dangerous.” – Mona
- “I think I was lucky to get to work with you guys.” – Christoph
- “It looks really bad!” – Christoph
- “It looks good!” – Mona (perspective!)
- “Well, I would be angry too!!” – Mona
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