Waging war

Glass half empty or glass half full?

When I was in college (before I dropped out, ha!) there was a friend of ours. No need to name names, because it’s not really important. But the thing that made him memorable, more so than all the other friends to have come and gone over the years is that he was extremely negative. And how!!

It didn’t seem to matter the subject. The football team lost, and they were all a bunch of losers. You did well on your math test? Well good thing, it’ll bring up your average from that disastrous Spanish exam. You lost weight? Wait until after the weekend. New boyfriend? We’ll see how long that lasts. Actually, it was poisonous. It was mostly notable for just how bad it was, in retrospect.

I mean, look: we can all be positive at times and negative at times, right? We’re human, we’re well-balanced (some more than others). I have always thought that I’m a realist … sure I can be cynical as hell, but not for no reason. Doug says I’m the epitome of enthusiastic, and this is why I’ll be successful. Hell if I know.

What I have discovered these last few weeks is that I’m a lot more negative than I would wish to be. Whether it’s a customer, a vendor, a political situation, an unfair criticism, or even someone else I feel is being too negative, I bitch. And moan. OK maybe it’s not quite that bad but I sure as heck do make my disdain known. And you know what? I don’t really dig that about myself. I would much rather be the one who says nothing rather than say something not nice … unless it’s REALLY justified.

So. With this new awareness, I’m going to do the only thing one can in the circumstance, which is to do my very best to wage war on my own negativity. Which, come to think of it, is going to have to translate to other areas of my life as well. I tell you, I was feeling pretty down on myself Friday when I couldn’t squat snatch to save my life and then, to add insult to injury, I did a prowler push/at ox jump/ring row workout that I recall kicking my ass last July at CrossFit Diablo. Well, it did so again. So much so that after my first prowler push I went to jump on the box, landed, and my legs collapsed. I am not at all sure how it is that I didn’t hurt myself badly.

Speaking of injury, one of the guys from our gym was nearly paralysed this week while body surfing. And if that’s not terrifying I don’t know what is. He’s recovering well but it’s horrible … last time I saw him we were doing a workout right next to each other. Reminds me of that poet soul Malcolm Hart … saw him at a Thai restaurant in Berkeley, said I’d call him, two weeks later he was dead and I was inconsolable. Just goes to show … be careful what you take for granted.

There is so much beauty and gentleness in this world to go alongside all the ugly and hate and prejudice. I know what side of that I want to come down on.

So then Saturday, my last training day of 2012, I was planning to go to the Cape CrossFit beach workout. But I woke up, looked at the workout and decided I didn’t feel like doing it (and that it might hurt my back), so I slept in, had a beautiful brunch with Sam, went home and packed, and went to the Virgin Active to lift some heavy weights and do another crazy workout …. Overhead squats, bear crawls, kettlebell snatches, bar-facing burpees … but before that I decided to lift some weights, starting with 1 rep max back squat, which is something I hadn’t tested in a while due to back injury, mainly.

Well, I hit a solid PR at 108kgs and it felt really, REALLY easy. Then I kind of lost my head space by chatting to the guys next to me, but I feel like I had another 5kgs in me. Next time.

So, the last two work days of 2012 were pretty quiet, as happens. I had a somewhat depressing lunch on Thursday followed by an ass-kicking of a workout that night, followed by a conference call with one of my favourite Wi-Fi boys, which made me really excited again. It’s amazing what outlook and enthusiasm will do.

As I wrap up 2012 and look forward to 2013, it’s that old time when we look at the old and ring in the new, but I’ve always said I hate New Years resolutions. I think they are stupid because you always break them and set yourself up to fail. So I don’t make resolutions I don’t plan on keeping, but what I will say is that my new focus on combatting my tendencies towards negativity and bitching and moaning is something that has already started and that I will do my best to continue in the new year.

Not that I won’t still bitch. I sure as heck will. Some people and some situations require it. I’ll just do so more consciously.

As I finish writing this post I’ve arrived back to my parents’ house in Vermont. Due to my trans-Atlantic flight being 45 minutes late I missed my connecting flight at 5:30pm and the next flight was meant to be 10:45 but wound up leaving some time around 1:30am. I’m not even sure. I was delirious with fatigue. I was literally drinking to stay awake, but I met some cool people, including a Brittany Murphy look-alike who wanted to swap her New Orleans ticket for my Burlington ticket (I did think about it).

You only live once.

• “It started at a bar.” “Doesn’t everything?” – Rudolph & Ellie
• “I’m done playing in the kiddie pool.” – Jalal
• “I can only imagine your frustration with forced inactivity.” – Steven
• “Nine months is just not acceptable.” – Zach
• “You do realise what you’ve built is their wet dream, right?” – Ellie
• “Wait, so you’re saying they didn’t trust you because you weren’t dodgy enough?” – Tim
• “I don’t care about Cisco. But you can’t make fun of Rocky!” – Roland
• “Who the devil is Meraki?” – Roland
• “Geez, what are we going to do then?” – Tim
• “It’s funny what we define as fun. Most normal people would look at you and say ‘You’re crazy!’” – Ryan
• “Well, maybe you shouldn’t be reading the rule book.” – Hes
• “That’s more than you squatted hey.” – Pieter
• “Of course it matters.” – Pieter
• “That looks fake!” “No, dude, it’s Carl Paoli!” “But it looks fake!” “No, dude, it’s Carl Paoli!” – Ellie & Chad

The more things change, the more they stay the same

“All people dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their mind, wake in the morning to find that it was vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous people, for they dream their dreams with open eyes, and make them come true.” – D.H. Lawrence

I have been feeling like a really lousy friend recently. I can actually count on one hand the friends I’ve spent time with before the holiday break, and actually I’m pretty sure almost all of them were post-gym playdates. I trained at Ballistix then hung with Hes & Ryan. I trained at West Workout and then had lunch with Liezl & Michelle. I met Tammy for a beach workout. I hurried over to the Shrimptons’ after gym only to have what I thought would be a ‘quick’ Skype call turn into a 45 minute conversation. The only time I can remember really stopping to smell the roses was when I was playing Cape Town hostess to a Wi-Fi boy who’s from Betty’s Bay but now lives in Joburg … and even that had to come after my gym time was done.

I think it might be the time of year. Firstly, I used to love Christmas when I was a kid. It was my absolute favourite holiday, and by orders of magnitude. Between the vulgar materialism that I despise and a couple of bad personal experiences around the holidays, I no longer love Christmas. Not that I hate it, but I just don’t go nuts for it the way other people do. So when my friend Sam suggested that we skip the normal Christmas routine and rather bake and deliver charity cupcakes, I thought that sounded like an amazing idea.

This is also the time of year when it gets hot and my body just wants to be healthy. It’s what makes the competition season diet, training, and sleep regimen a pleasure and not a chore. But I recall very distinctly last year going into hermit mode. This year I am paid, in part, to be charming, so I can’t just retreat to my own thoughts.

Cape Town summer where everything is so bright that it looks faded, where for me history seems to come alive and I can imagine what this place was like in Colonial times. It’s like Cape Town was meant to be hot, so hot that you just want to sit in a shaded corner with your typewriter. I’m no James Michener, but this place has that sort of romanticism about it. It’s times like these I can imagine being here 100 years ago, or in another English colony, perhaps somewhere in Asia. I was musing if perhaps my boarding school days led me to have a greater affiliation or association with the trappings of Colonialism than I would have otherwise. Even the new money in Cape Town has an old money feel to it, in a way that it doesn’t in, say, San Francisco.

My northern European blood doesn’t like this hot weather much. I don’t like extremes of either sort, but man, this gets to me. Getting burned by sitting in the shade doesn’t help.

I actually took off most of the holiday weekend, and spent time with friends. Not enough of them, and not enough time, and I think it actually took me about three days to recover from Friday’s workout. Note to self …. Sleep and eat better before deciding to pretend you’re indestructible. I did something I’d planned for a loooong time which was to go visit my friend Jo, who has this amazing place in Scarborough, for a mini-vacation.

And it was. Firstly, Jo is lovely. Smart, thoughtful, gentle, kind, and conscientious. I was apparently really run down, probably if I’d gone too much longer at my current pace I would have gotten sick, and she did a great job of taking care of me: cooking, letting me be chill, and also taking some photos of me because I will be needing such things soon. She also has some very cool friends, who I got to know a little bit better between a Saturday night braai and a Sunday brunch in Kalk Bay.

I also saw my friend Keith who I hadn’t seen in faaaaaaaar too long. As I said, crappy friend. But hey better late than never. As it happens he is now staying at a house in City Bowl that is not far off of my dream house. Gorgeous views, not at all too large, and very Cape Town. Maybe some day I can afford to buy a house like that.

The weather was a bit funny over the weekend. A weather front moved in Sunday, and that night may have been literally been the perfect weather for sitting outside under a nearly full moon, looking down on the city. The air was a little bit warm, but cool with the breeze. Around 1am an electrical storm came up, and those are rare around here. Then it rained, and made the entire place smell clean and fresh, but you also know it’s transitory, like a dream, and when the next day comes the sun is going to burn everything up.

Christmas Day dawned foggy, and Keith and I went to the beach (as one does, on Christmas). I, of course, thought I’d sunscreened my entire back but turns out I missed a massive patch. Fail.

So one of the themes that has come up quite a bit in recent days is money. Cape Town, and South Africa, is a great place to live … if you have money. No car, no job, no money for food, well, that’s another matter. I was having a fascinating time at Jo’s braai listening to three different South Africans talking about topics I’d thought about: poverty, privilege, politics, race, apartheid, dependency, motivation, hope. One is currently an expat in Nairobi, one does town planning in various African countries, and one has recently returned from living overseas in London.

I think in a way I have a very unusual relationship to money because I was in the right place at the right time and through that got enough that I could afford to do nutty things like move to Cape Town and volunteer for an extended period. But now the capitalist in me is back, and I hear myself talk sometimes and I sound cynical, even, or jaded. And Africa terrifies me, because I’ve been in SA long enough that I generally know how things work here. Sometimes there’s a surprise. But it’s not Nigeria or Tanzania.

And then there’s that Christmas cupcake bonanza. Firstly, what a sort of lovely person is Sam even to think of such a thing, and specifically to think about the places we could go that wouldn’t already have an excess of holiday donations. Instead of the Red Cross Children’s Hospital we went to an old age home and to a public hospital.

Hospitals are sad, sad places actually. We made some people happy, certainly. I am not sure how much of the details of such a thing I will remember but there was this young boy on a tricycle peddling around the pediatric ward. When we tried to give him a cupcake he kept running away, and he certainly wouldn’t speak. But, like a scared cat or something, when I was kneeling down talking to someone else he came closer, and closer. I held out the tray but I could see he was too scared to take one, so I picked one out and handed it to him, and he nearly snatched it out of my hand before retreating a few feet from us to eat it in safety.

Yes, they may be poison, but we all need a little poison every once in a while. Red velvet cupcakes are more of a devil’s food than chocolate anyway. I even poisoned myself a little bit. Always good to remember why it is I don’t eat wheat.

But you know, it is sad. This poverty here is so in-your-face, and you can’t just snap your fingers and do anything about it. The world was supposed to end over the weekend. For better or worse, we’re still here, and having to reconcile the ennui of worrying about self-actualisation while other people are worrying about putting food on the table.

But you know what? I learned my lesson the hard way. I’m not going to bankrupt myself or make sacrifices that cause me to become resentful just to make the world a better place. I may not know what the future holds but this is an area where Ed Boudrot, a mentor of mine, was very right: rather than complain about how things suck and you’re disempowered, fix the situation, reframe it, or leave it. There’s more of Robin Keller to my personality than I once thought … we’ll see what happens to me next. But I’m not thinking about what’s happening next any more than you can think about anything else other than the workout you’re doing when you get into a competition.

Yep, I’m getting pretty excited to get back into beast mode. Maybe you can tell.

I keep looking at these photos of myself that Jo took. Partly it’s because at this time of year I always go through all my photos from the year so as to make a ‘best of’ album. But also because it’s strange to see myself like that and especially to notice how asymmetrical my face actually is! Do I really look that way? Oh well, asymmetric face asymmetric body ….

My body gave me a hell of a fright when I was utterly, utterly convinced I’d pulled my groin on Sunday. This is an injury I was familiar with from St Paul’s, and some injuries you just don’t forget. If you’ve never experienced this particular thing you won’t understand … it’s like an ankle sprain or a coccyx injury, if you’ve had it you can commiserate with others, but I can’t really identify with people who have or have had shoulder or neck injuries because I’ve never had the displeasure. In any event I was sure that I’d be out for six weeks and was already planning my regimen of strict pullups, ring dips, etc., but by the next morning I was almost totally fine. Fine enough to do a workout with 55 light squat cleans. Oddly enough what hurt wasn’t my groin and wasn’t my healing injury but the other side of my back completely, so I took the deadlifts and squat cleans slowly so as not to hurt myself. Still, had a much easier time with 2/3 bodyweight bench press this year than I did last year!

Amazing. Well, maybe it’s the time of year or whatnot but I’m getting a bit impatient. I’m usually happy to talk. But right now I don’t want to talk. I just want to get on with it. I don’t want to explain CrossFit to newbies or people who may have an incorrect impression about it. I just want to train, and compete, and get on with it (injury-free please).

I’m also VERY much missing consistent training at my home gym. Thank goodness the holidays are ending soon and we can get back to what I used to think of as a ‘normal’ schedule. Except, wishful thinking what with a USA trip coming up in a few days and then a Joburg trip shortly after I return, and a competition a week and a half after that. Well, maybe lack of routine is the new normal. Whatever it is, I’ll adapt to it. But I sure as heck do miss being able to train at my gym.

In a world where it suddenly seems like everyone wants a piece of me, I’m looking forward to slotting into my team and doing my bit as best I can.

Same with work. Enough talking about doing, time to do. The calm before the storm is about over, I’d say.

• “No wonder you needed a Snickers.” – Jo
• “A lot of the stupidity in Africa actually has a lot of thought behind it.” – Simon
• “I’d better not see you doing overhead press in jeans!” – Howard
• “At least you know what you’re training for.” – Jobst
• “I didn’t say it was too heavy for me! I said it was heavy!” – Ellie
• “I think if we bake any more today we’re going to ruin Christmas!” – Sam
• “He has a reputation for being … difficult.” – Kerry
• “It’s because you fit in well with the guys.” – Kerry
• “I mean, I’m not actually sleeping with the enemy. But it’s close enough, right?” – Ellie

Turning the ship

So I’m basically three months into my new job, five weeks in the middle of which I was out of the country. The first month I didn’t really know what was going on. The second month I thought I did but I was wrong, and I kept figuring that out week by week. By the third month, I’m now feeling like I’ve picked up enough of what’s going on that it’s time to start making some decisions. I’m sure a year from now I’ll look back on my foolish self of now … but you can’t wait until you’re actually good to start taking action.

The ship is slowly turning.

Some things are easy but just take time. Some things are very important but require careful analysis lest you make a mis-step. Some other things are more politically sensitive than anything, because they may have been done a certain way for a long time and humans are not computers.

But you know what? I love my team. I’m figuring out how to work with them to get things done, at about the same rate that we’re all, collectively, figuring out what needs to be done, and prioritising it. This week was cross-functional team meeting kickoff week, in between some external meetings.

One of the things that Doug said to me a few weeks back was that he thought it was clear I was a good strategist, and we would soon see how much of a decision-maker I am. I remember getting a bit defensive at this, probably because I was a bit concerned that I wouldn’t be as decisive in this new role as I perhaps had been in previous lives.

Well, there are still some negotiations that I haven’t done before where I’ll want help, but I’m definitely starting to hit my stride. I think the guys were actually just waiting for some direction and, on the one side, high expectations and on the other having someone to stick up for them. I did one thing this week that I thought was going to be a lot more controversial than it was. I also got a verbal yes on two deals: both hopefully the beginning of some good partnerships. I never put too much weight on verbal commitments: money talks, especially here. But still, it’s encouraging.

You know what, I’m pretty simple. Ask me what I think and I’ll tell you. I am reasonable and try to be fair. I’ll admit when I’m wrong and say when I don’t like something. But I never shout and yell and the only time I get upset is when there’s a criticism or attack that I find to be unfair.

In one of those strange twists of fate, I found myself on the roof deck at the Grand Daddy getting along like old friends with a hopefully soon-to-be-resident in Cape Town American by the name of Elizabeth. This was ironic because the only reason I was in that place at that time was that I happened to go to an event in San Francisco on a night when my heart was actually distinctly elsewhere …. But at that event I met a guy who connected the two of us. It’s a small world. And who else showed up that night but Karl, El, and Sheraan. Funny how you can be in Cape Town for years and not meet people then once you know each other you see each other everywhere.

Sometimes people ask you questions you can’t answer. Someone asked me on this occasion what my next thing was. That’s like asking me where I’m going to be in ten years. I have NO CLUE. Haven’t thought about it. Yes, I’ve thought about what I would do if I for some reason had to get another job tomorrow, but that’s not the plan. Me, the world, and my situation will be very different in a couple of years when the time is right to move on. Right now, trying to separate me from the company would be like trying to separate me from my Inov8 collection.

But in all seriousness, I’m quite excited to have met this new crew, and see what they might bring to my future. There are some interesting aspects to being female in technology, to being a female business leader, to being a female leader in South Africa, and to being an American expat in South Africa. I suppose there are some aspects of this that are just me: there is the Ellie that gets Aidan to talk all about this girl he’s crazy for only a few hours after he meets me, the Ellie that persuades Mike to talk his crew into letting me stow away with them for a week, the Ellie that has a knack for meeting the right people, the Ellie that continuously procrastinates basic things like importing my cat and buying furniture.

Why I set the bar high in some parts of my life but completely ignore it in other aspects puzzles me. Fear of failure, most likely. Stick to what I’m good at. I guess I want it all, I don’t want to compromise, I don’t want to have to make choices. Except the ones I do. So I avoid the ones I don’t want to make.

Yes, I really do care what other people think. But not when that means compromising what I think is right. Sometimes there are things more important than being popular.

I also took a day off this week to play model for a day, shooting a Reebok TV commercial. It’s going to be shown worldwide, so hey if you see someone in a Reebok ad with a Tom Brady look and orange headband, that just might be me. I was originally meant to do the CrossFit ad they were shooting but got a strange call saying they’d prefer me rather for this other ad rather. I can’t complain, this way I actually got to meet a bunch of fun new people. I hang out in CrossFit gyms all the time anyway, it’s not so often I get a chance to apply my CrossFit skills to new situations!

Sadly it did put me into a state of exhaustion for Friday. Our call time had been 5am at a wine farm in Stellenbosch and the day after a day of activity and sun, inadequate sleep a few nights in a row, not to mention a lunch with Elizabeth at Sandbar, including a glass of lovely Sauvignon Blanc, I set up the bars for a hectic workout. The guys from CrossFit Platinum and Ballistix CrossFit had in recent weeks done a “20s” workout which was 20 reps of 20 different exercises. Bottom line, I was in quite possibly the worst possible state I could have been to do this workout. I underestimated it and was dehydrated and without enough carbs in my body …. I hit the wall 20 minutes in but ploughed on because I was too stubborn to stop.

I’ll do it again. This should be a sub-30 minute workout for me, and next time it will be, damn it.

I had a moment about a week ago when I was in the middle of a beach workout in Camps Bay, running through the sand and I just thought how amazing my life is right now. Sure there are things I’m not 100% happy with, but I am trying to learn and trying to get better. I guess that’s the main thing; I really try to take criticism to heart, whether it’s self-criticism or criticism by others. I can be selfish, I can be arrogant, I can be oblivious, I can be cold-hearted, condescending, scornful. So can we all. You know what they say about people who live in glass houses.

And you know what? Those things make me who I am, and it’s the other side of some of those attributes that give me whatever success I’ve had and will had. As to why I’m here and where I’m going …. I may have no clue, but I’m ok with that. I don’t really have another choice now do I?

The worst thing you could ever  say to someone is ‘don’t ever change.’

Well, that or tell them what the future holds.

• “A little bit of luck didn’t hurt.” – Keet
• “I’m arrogant. But I’m not THAT arrogant.” – Elizabeth
• “I don’t have a next thing! I’m three months into my current job!” – Ellie
• “There are very few things that can’t wait a few hours.” – Debbie
• “I was like: ‘You have some serious attitude issues to sort out, guy!’” – Helen
• “Skyrove is not a ‘thing.’” – Henk
• “There is a lot of data that we need.” – Tim
• “It’s actually a farce, at this point.” – Ellie
• “Some customers you just have to fire.” – Allister
• “Aren’t you glad you don’t have my job?” “Yes!!” – Ellie & Tim
• “Tim’s not evil!” “Tim hasn’t started drinking yet.” – Ellie & Adam
• “Everything you say just gets more and more ridiculous!” – Richard
• “You are today, sweetheart.” – Gareth
• “Yeah. Sometimes it is.” – Paul
• “I’m sorry – you jumped out of a 20-storey building?” – Ellie
• “I should hang a sign on myself that says ‘I’m not an extra!!’” – Olivia
• “From now on we’re going to call him Wet Chesty.” – Paul
• “I don’t remember.” – Paul 
• “By legal they might have meant not as well enforced.” – Tim 
• “You can't get rid of people's networks. Which is a bit of a problem.” – Tim

Going it alone

America is a very individualistic society. I guess there is debate at the moment about how much we are really taught to think for ourselves in school but certainly compared to certain other societies we certainly tend to be very ‘me me me.’

Like most things this is neither good nor bad, just it is as it is, and whether it’s a positive or negative is very situational.

I most definitely have this in me. Quite a few things are coming together at this point in time that are making me think about the role our individualism, drive, and desire play in success or accomplishment. We know that most fails are mental fails, and subtle failures of not setting the bar high enough are the worst of all. I think this is what I suffer from the most, although this seems to be changing somewhat now.

Yoda had it right: it’s not only about whether you succeed or fail but where you set the bar. I have several times worked for companies where development groups hit all of their schedules, and management thought they were wizards. I thought they were sandbagging manipulators. Set your goals too low and you’ll always hit them.

At the end of the day this to me is what separates the great from the good. The good are content to sit at the edges of what makes them comfortable. The great jump off the edge into the unknown. The good are content to do better than everyone else, and even better than they were a few months ago. The great are always trying to be the best they can be.

Definitely not saying I’m great. On a good day, I’m good. But I know I can be great at times. A few weeks back a VERY smart guy compared me to someone else by saying that he was going to tell me something he couldn’t tell this other person, because the other person was smart enough, but he just didn’t think BIG enough. Of all the things anyone has said to me in recent weeks, this stuck with me.

The Goldilocks line between thinking big enough to make a difference but not so big as to be crazy or arrogant, is a hard one. You can sometimes meet someone and initially think ‘no this is wrong, this person is thinking too big, they are arrogant, they will fail,’ but then you listen more and realise they might just have what it takes. Or, the person whose reasoned plan sounds so logical and perfect …. But then they fail to deliver at every turn. Empty words.

Yet for all our talk of trying and learning and failing and reaching … we’re all afraid to fail. I recently told my troops that no one would ever get fired for making a mistake, even if it’s a catastrophic one and we lose a customer. There are very few promises I like to make because you can’t control the future. But this one is easy. Geez, I’ve already made some mistakes. I’ve done a lot more that’s been pretty good. But some of the waters I’m wading into have stakes that are very VERY big.

Oh well. I may not have realised what I was getting into but it’s pretty well too late now. It’s like that moment in last year’s Fittest in Cape Town competition where I was part way through the burpees on the final event and I was feeling some strain and I could see out of the corner of my eye one of my competitors that I thought was starting to catch up and I just wanted to stop, or quit, or slow down just a little. Because it’s so easy to do that. And then you just say to yourself: “No, I’m not going to let myself down, and I am better than these other women.”

It helps if you believe it. In the case of CrossFit, I actually do.

I compete for fun and personal fulfilment. I don’t take drugs, I don’t play mind games with my opponents to make them under-perform. I recognise that they are there to push me to be my best, not to beat at any cost. And you know what else? I’m pretty damn well-balanced. I have some technique issues I’m working on, but I am working on them and not ignoring them. My injury is healing. To be a good CrossFitter you need to be balanced. I’m not the strongest athlete around but I’m pretty strong. I’m not the best bodyweight athlete but I’m pretty good there too. I’m not too short, or too tall. I can do strict handstand pushups and ring dips for reps, and I regularly outlift some of the newer guys in the advanced classes.

So it would be interesting to see what I’d be capable of if I actually took it seriously. And perhaps I will.

But for the moment I’m in off-season mode and having a super fun time playing around, training at different gyms with different people, and seeing what happens. 45 second PR on Sandy Helen and I wasn’t even feeling that good that day. Ha, and Ballistix beach workout featuring yet more ocean running led to one of the most hilarious things I’d ever seen in Jean running literally on top of the water (in the first round … until he got a bit fatigued).

And then there’s work. Last weekend I was at a wine farm talking about Wi-Fi, yes, but also entrepreneurship. There seems to be this romantic notion of start your own company, take control of your destiny, get rich. Holy hell, nothing could be further from the truth.

It’s like the professional stunt man whose life most days is distinctly un-glamorous. So many people hate their jobs but you know, going out on your own is not the answer for most people. You give up the security of a guaranteed income and then you take that load on yourself? The startup phase has got to be the worst! You get through that and even still someone somewhere has to be sure that your company makes payroll and delivers on its commitments.

I’ve had this discussion with Riaan before, that companies take on the personality of their leaders. Just like CrossFit gyms do. You have a bad day and your company has a bad day. You need to harness this as a tool rather than letting it be a burden, and you need to make sure that you don’t wind up an ego-driven cult of personality, as tempting as that may seem a times. You can get excited at the big deals but at the end of the day you need to pay attention to all the details. Decidedly unglamorous. You always have to have your game face on, even when you’re not feeling it. It’s exhausting.

More on this next. But I had the pleasure of spending a little bit of time with a beautiful and insightful South African, now living in London, and talking about what I’d learned, how I was approaching my new work, and WHY I was absolutely livid at one of our customers. This is the sort of interaction I live for, that makes it all worthwhile.

It’s a strange thing to be a global citizen. This hot December thing feels so weird to me. I long for the dark and snow. I love London at Christmas time, and New England.

Who am I? Why am I here? I have no idea. There’s something about summer in Cape Town that makes me want to be a hermit. Not this year. Things are about to get serious.

• “She was trying to get into your head!” – Lisa
• “I need a hobby. If I have any income left after drinking wine.” – Dumi
• “It’s nice to see you coming into your own.” – Nicola
• “All of Joburg is a dodgy area!” – forget who said this but it’s not true!
• “You need me to prove to you that your IT bands are tight?” – Roland 
• “Are you models or normal people?” – overhead at fitting
• “They’re not used to it.” – Helen
• “If you want to run a business, it’s not the best idea.” – Stefan
• “Please tell me you know who Michael Jordan is.” – Ellie
• “OK cool then I’ll stick to bread.” – Tim
• “Soon there’s going to be a NOC upstairs.” “But then we can’t call it the dragon’s lair!” – Ellie & Helen

The mosquito

I didn’t sleep well this week. Partly it was due to stress but mainly it was because it’s all of a sudden gotten to be summer. That’s how it is in Cape Town, the weather changes on a dime and with the coming festive season it’s now decided to be beach weather.

I don’t much care for summer, to be honest. There are some nice parts of it, but all in all it’s just far too hot. The days are long which is nice in the evenings but not so nice at 5am when the sun wakes you up before it’s time. It does remind me that I’m in Africa, and I tell you what, the light in Cape Town is amazingly vivid. The white buildings are almost hard to look at. This summer brought with it a problem not experienced last summer: mosquitos to go along with the sticky heat.

On Wednesday night I was awoken by mozzies buzzing around my ear, and it wasn’t just one, and any and all attempts to bundle things around my head to keep them away failed as I could still hear them. I was almost despairing because I was already sleep-deprived, and I could feel the fatigue in my training, and it was frustrating. So I was at my wit’s end until I got the genius idea to go put in earplugs.

Worked like a charm. The bother was still there but it didn’t annoy me. That’s a good life lesson, hey? Although my body is now covered in welts (I have since bought a fan).

The work week was absolutely manic, trying to get proposals out and get meetings scheduled for the new year before everyone goes on holiday leave. The country literally shuts down for 3-4 weeks, it’s more extreme than the American holiday shutdown.

It was also a particularly hectic week between a cranky supplier, a cranky customer, a BIG proposal that had to go out, our company office warming, and our company year-end function.

I tested the water on a few items and got the responses I expected. It’s very very interesting how you can toss a few lines in the water to see what bites you get back. It’s certainly looking like 2013 is going to be a most interesting year.

Sheraan, CEO of a twice sister company (we have not one but TWO investors in common) was I think the first person I’d heard use the term “throwing toys” to describe business people losing their cool and screaming at you, jumping up and down, etc., in an attempt to get their way. I must say I find the whole scene very obnoxious. There is a difference between being demanding but fair, and demeaning, rude, and unreasonable.

I think about my customers, and the ones who I like are the ones where I will go to the ends of the earth if they are having issues. I actually like demanding customers because they make you up your game. What I don’t like are unjustified criticisms, rudeness, and expectations that don’t make sense. There is no better way to turn your vendors into an “us vs them” type mode. Much nicer when we can all just act like grownups.

At the end of the day though it all boils down to money, because that’s why we’re in business, so you remove the emotion and figure out what to do. But it got me thinking …. Which of our vendors do we maybe treat this way? 

Serious sense of humour failure the last two weeks that I have mostly, but not entirely, contained. Thank heavens there’s enough good going on to mask my crankiness (and I’m not just cranky about work). But actually, I shouldn’t let myself off that easy. There is a lot of pressure, but I do know how to be calm under pressure and keep my big mouth shut. I just need to be better about that. I have been much better about my diet the last week or so, and as a result I have kicked my sugar craving to the curb and lost a few kgs. Sure it’s easy. What’s not to easy is combatting the decision-making trends that caused me to put on weight to begin with.

In non-work news …. Hmm, what news? Had a disastrous Fran encounter on Monday (ok it was sort of expected because there is something quite wrong with my pullups at the moment), then Tuesday we did the first hero workout ever at CCF (we think): McGhee, 30 minute AMRAP of 5 80kg deadlifts, 13 pushups, 9 60cm box jumps. Nearly 13 rounds later I was done. Not my best performance. Box jumps were ok but those many pushups slow me down and I still struggle with deadlift form so I took those slowly so as to be safe.

Thursday was snatch day and I was just NOT feeling it. Not even almost. Not comfortable in an overhead squat, movement just felt off. I really wish I could practice more. Seriously I could snatch every day and would enjoy doing so. But I can’t. We did split snatches, which I’d never done before, and toes to bar in the WOD, which was fun. I hadn’t done toes to bar for a little while and these were much improved over my last attempts. Core strength may be coming back as well.

Saturday was actually mostly a day off. I trained in the morning with Liezl out in Somerset West at the powerlifting gym. We learned a ton, which is always great. Then lunch with Michelle. I could get used to this routine. Some quick shopping, coffee & catch up with Sheraan, more shopping at the fifth circle of hell that is Canal Walk. It might have even reached the sixth circle what with the holiday shoppers. Then to the gym for some sorely-needed technique work. I have some major gymnastic weaknesses and I never like to work on them. So I worked on kipping handstand pushups and walking on my hands.

The good news is I finally got the knack of the latter! I remembered how easily I had learned when Carl Paoli was in Cape Town last year so I practiced what he taught me and 15 minutes later I was going pretty consistently. Now I can just get better.

I was similarly feeling amazing earlier in the week when on snatch day I did like a 98% front squat with ease. I’m feeling the positive impacts now of something; whether it’s that rest or just consistent training or what, but I’m improving both strength & technique-wise almost on a step-function manner.

Now time to do the same with my company. It takes a little bit of time to figure out where you’re going then get people to buy in and follow you. But we’re on our way, and I think the troops are excited. I sure am. But then again … I’m drinking my own Kool-Aid, more or less.

• “Leave your Kleenex at home. No one cares.” – Allister
• “Between the two of us we make a New York minute seem like a Tokyo second, not sure of that makes sense!” – Francois
• “Do you know [venture capitalist]?” “Yes.” “I know you know [venture capitalist].” – Anton & Ellie (silly boy asking me a question to which he already knew the answer!)
• “I think you figured that out.” – Rudolph
• “It’s hard to read the label from inside the bottle.” – Rich Mulholland
• “Cisco can’t think of Meraki as their nemesis.” – Adel
• “Nothing is perfect at [company name omitted]. Especially the orders.” – name withheld (funny because it’s true!)
• “They can’t do very much worse at this point.” – Ross
• “I am looking forward to what conspiracy you all will use to lure me back. :)” – Kelly
• “Meet at 9-10 in the morning? Dressed like pirates?” – Rudolph
• “I don’t want an apology. I want it sorted!” – Tim
• “A heavy weight is not going to come off the floor if you ask it nicely.” – Steven
• “Next you’re going to tell me your gym has a GHR machine!” – Steven
• "Just as long as there's no milk, and no sugar." – Sheraan (yeah!!)

Bootstrap Camp

Every year, the kind folks at 4Di Capital host an away weekend for members of their portfolio and alumni (which hopefully means I can be enjoying these for years to come!). It is meant to be a time to talk about challenges of our businesses in an open environment, and also just to get to know our other sister companies, and the other partners at the firm as the way it’s set up we each work primarily with one of the partners, in my case, Doug.

But before the weekend began I had to get through the rest of the week. I am not remembering what happened on Thursday, probably because it was Wi-Fi the world day and I was busy trying to pull together my thoughts for a board meeting the next morning. Which I survived although the next one will be a lot more fun as I will actually have an operational plan for review at that point.

I’m feeling good; things are starting to come into place. But, as we discussed at the bootstrap camp (aka summer camp for business leaders!), one of the single biggest challenges you face in a startup is time management. It’s not knowing what to do that’s so hard, it’s finding the time to do it all especially when you can easily wind up fire fighting or placating your latest unhappy customer. Churn is expensive. The best way to move forward fast is not to have unhappy customers. Well, duh, right?

Friday was also a bit of a strange day as I had a lunch meeting with yet another guy I’d only ever known socially, and now we might become resellers of each others’ solution. It’s weird how times change. And speaking of change, Friday also brought with it news of big layoffs at Mxit. Can’t say I’m entirely surprised; what I’d heard of that company resembled the crazy excesses of the dotcom era, which isn’t to say there isn’t a solid business in there. But fundamentals are important. I’d recommend bootstrapping to anyone.

As I had to be in the Stellenbosch mountains early Saturday morning, I spent the night with Hes & Ryan in Somerset West, after a super fun workout at Ballistix (2RM overhead squat followed by death by burpees). I managed 45kgs and 16 rounds + 16 burpees (stupid timing error … I should have had those 17 rounds). I also should have had 50kgs easy on the OHS, but was having some issues with my ankle that caused my balance to go out a bit. Kept making the first lift then losing my overhead stability. Wow, I remember a time when I couldn’t even comfortably overhead squat 30kgs. That time was a year ago.

Saturday morning we did a beach workout! In teams of 2, 2x20m sled pull on sand then running/thrashing into the ocean around two buoys and back around. This was way harder than it sounded! The first round I tried to power through and then quickly realised that was not going to last (it was a 30 minute AMRAP). So much fun though; my first beach WOD of the season as it happened!

Shower & on to bootstrap camp. The experience was great. It was one of those times when what I’m doing and where I find myself really sinks in. I tease Doug for calling me naïve but he is right. How could I be any other way? I had no idea of the stress, or the level of love for my staff, or the political machinations, or the stakes involved, before I got in. Not even sure I fully grasp it now, and I am probably doing pretty well but I’m also making mistakes. Of course I am; I’m human and I’ve not done this before.

I know and like quite a couple VCs, but I can really only speak from experience of working with these guys, and they are great. Like, I think they’d be intimidating in other circumstances. Speaking of circumstance, how I find myself the only American in the room, in a room full of people selling into the American market when I’m selling into the South African market. I think this is because I was the only one in the room working for a business that is more a service company than a product company, so it makes all the sense in the world when you think about it. Not that that makes it any less ironic.

The format of the weekend is that each person got to talk for an hour to an hour and a half, and then the rest of the group asked questions. We started with Nic from Motribe, which had recently sold to Mxit (ironically enough). This was a very interesting discussion because it really wasn’t so much about the money at the end of the day as all the other things around it: the staff expectations, what you can and can’t say, anchoring, and, of course, leverage. Leverage is becoming my new favourite word, along with offload.

Most of the folks went on the first day, with two going on the second day. In between was the requisite braai, drinking, and socialising. What a cool mix of people … Nic was tweeting something about getting ambition anxiety when around really smart people. He actually meant ambitious people. There is something fundamentally nutty about an entrepreneur. I was telling Laurie how I had never actually wanted to be a CEO because of all the responsibility that comes along with it. I’ve always preferred influence without responsibility. Well, time to grow up I guess.

Time also, in a way, to grow into the expectations of me. Time to stop being afraid and under-performing. I can think big, I can sell a vision, and what keeps me up at night isn’t that or my ability to execute. It’s something else, a weakness that I am rapidly working to fix.

I had the benefit of going last, which meant that I got to plan my presentation a little bit. I’m still in a strange space where I can’t necessarily talk about specific plans or track record yet, more still in the phase of here’s what I’m seeing, here’s where I think we’re going, here’s how we’re going to come up with a plan, here’s some challenges that I have.

The discussion was useful, for a couple of things: a semi-obvious thing that I had missed that Nic pointed out, and a question from Shiraan that I am still struggling to answer part of a week later. He asked, and this is a question any entrepreneur should think about: what is your #1 sales priority, #1 marketing priority, and #1 strategic priority? At the time I could answer the sales question. I can now answer the strategy question and I probably could have then if I thought about it. The marketing question I am still working on. Actually not a bad discipline to apply to the whole business: what is my #1 HR priority? OK that one I can answer. But you get the point.

I think another thing that happens at these events is that you get excited about your sister companies! I’m sure it’s no secret but I’m a bit jealous of my friends over at HealthQ. They are literally going to change the way that we humans interact with our bodies and the world around us, and kill all the snake oil salesmen in the process. Compared to that, my plans for world domination seem quite cute by comparison. I think there was a time in my life when I would have been so jealous that I couldn’t be a part that I would have some sort of resentment for the amount of fame and money that will surely be coming their way. But somehow this doesn’t upset me at all, perhaps because I enjoy them so much as people. Plus, there’s enough to go around. It’s not like I need to own my own jet plane or anything. So maybe I’m maturing.

I also relayed the story about how when I first met Doug, before I nearly talked myself out of a job before turning the entire conversation on its head, I said that I didn’t know if I had a passion for the industry. Turns out I have developed one: when I’m listening with rapt attention to the pre-sales engineer telling me about channels and spectrum and mesh networks, without having any desire whatsoever to check my mobile phone … I’ve been won over.

Another thing that I mentioned was how when I first started, perhaps as a result of not being a founder, and not knowing if I had a passion for this field, I didn’t actually know whether or not I could do what I was being asked to do. Now I’m much more sure I can. Let me rephrase: I know I can. If you’re going to succeed, though, you do need to pull the team together, and you need some luck on your side. So far both of those things are going really well as well, but time will tell. Being able to do something and actually doing it are not the same thing.

We were discussing what characteristics make for a successful startup CEO. I think there are a lot. A sense of humour sure as hell doesn’t hurt, nor does genuine charisma. What I came down to though is if you had to ask me the single most important factor, it’s being able to see opportunities that others miss, and understand how to execute on them. You can get a good manager to execute the plan. But if your plan is bad, or your vision is bad, you can’t go anywhere. I think Doug said it himself: you need to be able to see opportunity, motivate the team and align them with the vision, and then translate that into differences on paper that result in lasting value creation.

Simple, right? Well as I have said before, the best definition of strategy is a reality that reflects all other realities.

Simple, right?

Last but not least, I discovered that one of the other guys at the camp bears a striking resemblance to me in personality traits, investors, and in a way, type of target customer. Everything from an affinity for sales to a tendency not to want to hand off stuff if it can’t be done up to our level of expectation to periods of time in our life where we were off the training/health bandwagon in a serious way. We’re going to spend some more time together; it’s going to be interesting to see just how we are similar, how we are different, and how this changes over time.

I look forward to next year!

• “Oh did I say that out loud?” “I didn’t hear anything.” – Ellie & Neil
• “There are kettlebells involved but it’s not what you think.” – Ryan
• “I’m surprised you’re still there.” – Hes
• “It’s just a question of how bad you want it.” – Hes
• “If you don’t step out of your comfort zone you’re never going to change.” – Hes
• “Maggots, for example, are a good source of protein.” – Riaan
• “We’ll have a cool maggot evening!” – Riaan
• “I now know you need 4-5 hours sleep if you’re going to drink a whole bottle of whiskey.” – Laurie
• “All worms are better if you deep-fry them.” – Riaan
• “You can’t just paper over problems with money.” – Justin
• “Nothing you read is true.” – Nic
• “Attraction is part of leverage.” – Laurie
• “There’s a difference between building a product and building a business.” – Nic
• “Up ‘til now we’ve dealt with feature creep by adding the feature.” – Dave
• “I didn’t start cynical.” – Dave
• “People don’t like the truth.” “People don’t like it when you say that.” – Ellie & Sheraan
• “There’s a lot of IP in the IP.” – Riaan
• “This could be bigger than Apple.” – Laurie
• “What does it feel like to know you’re on the brink of changing the world?” – Nic
• “Ellie just said it – there’s a lot of smart people. There’s not a lot of smart people who think that big.” – Nic
• “You’re in a special group, Ellie.” – Doug
• “Even viral products are not really viral.” – Sheraan
• “There’s 24 hours in a day and you’re only working 12.” – Dave
• “I’m afraid that in general what you’ve all signed up for is a hard thing to pull off.” – Justin
• “We’re all lunatics.” – Justin
• “There are people who are just less stubborn.” – Sheraan